Thursday, January 13, 2011

No-So Secret

Everyone has secrets.  Also, everyone has things they think are secrets, but really aren't. 

Of the several I have, the one I feel the need to bring up at the moment is my mental disorders.  Yes, we all know I'm depressed.  I also have major anxiety, occasional panic attacks, and OCD-like tendencies.  Prozac, as I've said, helps greatly.  I no longer find myself curled into a ball on the floor just because I broke a vase.  I'm not afraid to go into low-key social situations (but still prefer to have someone I know by my side).  I don't need to set alarms for weird times (I had this thing about 0's and 5's... don't ask).  It's nice.

But I'm not without issues.  The most notable is the phone phobia.  I cannot call someone I don't know.  Cannot.  The few times in the past year that I've HAD to, I have almost thrown up repeatedly during the course of the calls and often cried before and/or after the call itself.  Suffice it to say, not good.  

But the one that really can be a pain is the complete and utter lack of self esteem or confidence in myself.  It makes some things really difficult and others impossible.  It'd be nice if I could just suck it up and stop caring.  Or if I could, in the words of a friend, "fake it until you make it."  But I just can't.  

I'd love to be confident enough to start my own photography business.  I mean, I'm not good enough to be taking shots for Nat Geo or anything, but I enjoy it and I'm decent at it.  But in reality, I'm not even sure some of my friends really like me, so I'm certainly not confident enough to approach strangers to sell myself (which is what business is all about, right?).  It's a sad reality, but reality nonetheless.

And before you go asking why I don't just go to therapy, trust me.  Been there.  Done that.  Still like this...

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