And so it ends

November, that is. So here we go.

Nov. 26 - I was thankful for...

Hot water.

It seems obvious, but sometimes I forget how lovely hot water can truly be. When it's cold out, and you get in the shower and it feels like a liquid blanket is covering you and you lose track of time and space for a bit... yeah, I love that. 

Nov. 27 - I was thankful for...

My camera.

During the school year, I don't get to play with my camera as much as I'd like, which blows. Hard. But, when I do have time for it, my camera becomes a part of me. If my house was on fire, and I could only save one thing (assuming Maxine was able to get out, or Hubby got her), I'd probably grab my camera (and/or my wedding and engagement rings, assuming I wasn't wearing them). I know it can be replaced, but when it's not around, I feel lost. Even if I don't have a lot of time to use it, I like to know it's there when I have the time. It's like my security blanket with a lens. And I'm definitely thankful for that.

Nov. 28 - I was thankful for...

Comedy/Humor.

If you know me, you know I can have a dry, somewhat twisted sense of humor at times. Or most of the time. Whatever. The point is, I love humor. I love to laugh. I love witty banter and a sharp tongue. I love randomness. I love puns. I love slapstick. I just love it all, from the (mostly) innocent humor of Disney to the wildly inappropriate slams on Tosh.0.

If you've checked out my "That's Entertainment!" page, then you know that I love comedy and comedians, too. I've seen Second City, Capitol Steps, Daniel Tosh, Jeff Dunham, Bill Cosby and the Henson Alternative, and next on my wish list are Gabriel Iglesias (Fluffy) and Lewis Black. I just can't get enough! Laughter is, of course, the best medicine, and for that I'm thankful.

Nov. 29 - I was thankful for...

Delivery.

Sometimes, it's just nice to have your food brought straight to you. Yesterday we found out we won one of the 2 million free Papa John's pizzas, and since we were a bit low on funds (today is payday; woohoo!), we decided it was a sign. We felt bad about just ordering a free pizza, though, so we got some cheese sticks and Mountain Dew to go with it. It took forever to get here, but I figure that's the tradeoff we sometimes make so that we don't have to go out in search of food, leaving the warmth and comfort of our house. 

Whether it's JJ's, pizza, Chinese, or whatever, I love having food delivered. We don't do it frequently, so it's a bit of a treat when food comes to me, instead of me going to it (or me/us having to prepare it). Paper plates and TV trays may not be classy, but there's something satisfying about it anyway. Plus, no dishes to clean. Booya. Definitely thankful for that (as I'm sure Hubby is, too)! 

Nov. 30 - I am thankful for...

Me.

I guess that might sound weird, but I'm coming to like the person that I am. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I still get self conscious pretty easily, but I'm smart and fun, and I'm a fairly capable person when it comes to my job, school, or whatever I really set my mind to. I've struggled a lot with self-esteem issues, so to finally be settling in and accepting who I am is sort of a big deal for me. And it feels a lot better than disliking myself or trying to constantly change to be what I think I should be. I'm thankful for that, and for everyone and everything who has helped me get here. 

So, there you have it. 30 days of things I'm thankful for. Phew! :)

No-So Secret

Everyone has secrets.  Also, everyone has things they think are secrets, but really aren't. 

Of the several I have, the one I feel the need to bring up at the moment is my mental disorders.  Yes, we all know I'm depressed.  I also have major anxiety, occasional panic attacks, and OCD-like tendencies.  Prozac, as I've said, helps greatly.  I no longer find myself curled into a ball on the floor just because I broke a vase.  I'm not afraid to go into low-key social situations (but still prefer to have someone I know by my side).  I don't need to set alarms for weird times (I had this thing about 0's and 5's... don't ask).  It's nice.

But I'm not without issues.  The most notable is the phone phobia.  I cannot call someone I don't know.  Cannot.  The few times in the past year that I've HAD to, I have almost thrown up repeatedly during the course of the calls and often cried before and/or after the call itself.  Suffice it to say, not good.  

But the one that really can be a pain is the complete and utter lack of self esteem or confidence in myself.  It makes some things really difficult and others impossible.  It'd be nice if I could just suck it up and stop caring.  Or if I could, in the words of a friend, "fake it until you make it."  But I just can't.  

I'd love to be confident enough to start my own photography business.  I mean, I'm not good enough to be taking shots for Nat Geo or anything, but I enjoy it and I'm decent at it.  But in reality, I'm not even sure some of my friends really like me, so I'm certainly not confident enough to approach strangers to sell myself (which is what business is all about, right?).  It's a sad reality, but reality nonetheless.

And before you go asking why I don't just go to therapy, trust me.  Been there.  Done that.  Still like this...