Wednesday Crime Time: Gone to the Animals

Happy Hump Day! Here we go!

A Shorewood man, age not released, was warned for dogs at large after a woman called police to report his two schnauzers "came at her" as she walked in the 4500 block of North Wilson Drive at 1 p.m. May 7. She told him his dogs should be on a leash and he told her, "You need to be on a leash." He later apologized. 

Personally, I'd like to give him a high five for that quick retort, though I feel like he completely missed a golden opportunity to call her a bitch. (It's a dog joke, son.)

A woman, age and residence not released, was arrested for drunken driving, with a prior conviction, illegal possession of a Schedule II narcotic, driving with a revoked license, defective tail lights, defective brake lights, failure to have insurance and open intoxicants after weaving in traffic in the 4800 block of North Sheffield Avenue about 2:45 a.m. May 7. The woman had three Adderall pills in her purse which she said weren't hers. She admitted knowing her license was revoked. Her BAC was 0.12.

On the plus side... Nope. I got nothin'. 

A 32-year-old Brookfield man was cited for littering after he illegally dumped seven large, empty boxes in the trash at Applebee's, 20101 W. Bluemound Road, before 3:30 p.m. May 4.  

He could have at least dumped them in the recycling bin. Save the planet, dude.

Three men, at least one of them carrying a handgun, robbed Kentucky Fried Chicken, 6311 S. 27th St., at 10 p.m. May 10. The men, two wearing bandanas and one wearing a monkey mask, fled the store on foot with an undisclosed amount of money. Police are investigating.

See, this is what happens when the man in the yellow hat is replaced with two men in bandanas: Curious George Robs a KFC. 

A caller reported two cows running in the road in the 9000 block of West County Line Road about 1:30 p.m. May 11. Police made contact with the owner of the cows, who retrieved them.

I know there's a "Why did the cows cross the road?" joke in here somewhere... In the mean time, anyone who is still partying must immediately stop; the cows have come home.

A staff member at Kindred Transitional Care and Rehab, 5700 W. Layton Ave., called police after two patients began arguing at dinner and one of them threw a sandwich at 7:40 p.m. May 8. 

There are nicer ways of sending your order back that don't result in the police showing up, but where's the fun in that?

About $1 in change was stolen from a home and a television set was disconnected but not stolen during a residential burglary. The back door was forced open, and witnesses said they saw two vehicles in the driveway of the home between 7:30 and 8 p.m. May 4. The home is uninhabited. The location of this burglary was redacted by police.

Worst. Burglars. Ever.


"Man robs Wade gas station of cash, bread and bag of pork skins." 

This one was sent to me for special inclusion in Crime Time from a friend/reader. You can check out the story here, but the headline pretty much says it all. I hope those pork skins were worth it, dirt bag! You are a MENACE to the pork product industry and we will not stand for this injustice!! I mean, what's next? Bacon? Oh NO you do not!!

And now a couple to make you feel a little warm and fuzzy (and possibly restore some of your faith in humanity... but probably not).
 
An officer was flagged down by a bicyclist in the median at 27th Street and Sycamore Avenue to assist a duck and her ducklings across the street at 12:50 p.m. May 1. The officer helped move the ducks to a pond.

Police received a call for assistance about 2:25 p.m. May 11 after a mother duck and her ducklings got stuck in a median while attempting to cross the road in the 7500 block of West Rawson Avenue. The ducks were no longer in the area when an officer arrived.

A resident called police to report a duckling fell into a sewer near the pond behind Pick 'n Save on Sylvan Circle and Squire Drive at 6:55 p.m. May 11. The duckling was removed from the sewer and reunited with ducks that were waiting near the scene.

Hump Day - Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

Or, in this case, with a Fucksaw.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I said fucksaw.

Imagine you're in class.  It's Human Sexuality, so you're bound to get some graphic details here and there, right?

Now imagine there's a naked woman in front of the class on whom a sex toy is being demonstrated.  Awkward!

I mean, even if that kind of thing floats your boat, how weird would the whole situation be?  Maybe if it was just you and the naked woman, sure.  Or even you, the naked woman and a third party (sharing is caring?).  But it's you, the naked woman, the demonstrator, a class full of other students, the professor, maybe a TA or two...  Yeah, any chance of that being anything less than exceedingly awkward went right out the window.

If nothing else, you'll never look at a saw the same again.
 

Hump Day - Headlines To Shake Your Head At

I missed another Moronic Monday, but here's a special Hump Day edition featuring 69 sex headlines. (Of course it's 69 of them.  What other number could you POSSIBLY go with?)

The headlines range from the fairly standard ("25 Hot Sex Secrets!") to some that seem more than a bit quirky ("Untamed Va-jay-jays") all the way to some that sound just plain wrong ("Your Hoo-Ha Handbook" or "Unleash Your Cheeks!").  

The fun part about this list is that by hovering over the headline, you can see just what publication was crazy enough to explore these ideas.  (Cosmo, of course, seems to be one of the craziest.  Shocking.)

Enjoy the day, dear readers!  And remember - to spice up your sex life, clearly the best way is to read magazines.  Don't bother asking your partner what sounds good.  That's too easy!  ;-)

Hump Day - A Follow Up Story

If you'll recall, I previously wrote about a woman who attempted to assault a police officer with a sex toy after she had skipped out on paying her bill at a local restaurant.  (If you don't recall, go back a few hump days and you'll find it.)

Well, for the curious, here's a follow up story!  

The police report indicates that the woman charged an officer with a "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device," which the officer was able to deflect without injury.  The woman is apparently set to plead not-guilty, and her lawyer says that the officer who wrote the report should be "ashamed of himself" for including information about the sex toy assault.

Really?  Your client's the one who skipped out on her bill and then threw a dildo at a police officer, and the officer is the one you think should feel ashamed?  That's a defense attorney for you... 

Hump Day - Is There a Payphone I Can Use?

Oh, readers...  This may take the cake on the hump day posts thus far.  

(Fair warning - you might not want to click the links if you're in a public setting and easily embarrassed.  The pictures aren't graphic, but they sure are hysterical.)

Sure, you can use your phone for sexting, if that does it for you, but then what?  You're stuck, right?  

Not anymore.  Introducing, the MobileRyder, the first sex toy cell phone accessory.  No, I'm really not kidding.  This thing exists.  

According to the site, "your friends are already whispering about" this crazy product, and a "Super Sexy A List Celebrity" is quoted praising them for inventing this thing.  Seriously?  It's a phone cover with a dildo attached.  Why the hell would anyone buy this, let alone invent the damn thing??

But, as we all know, if it's out there, someone will buy it.  And the worst part is, you may never know who has been humping their phone and who hasn't.  As one blog notes, you'll never want to borrow a friend's phone again.  With this on the market, who knows where that thing has been, right?  -shudder-  

Maybe it's time to bring back payphones... 
  

Hump Day - You'll Just Have to Wait

Readers, I searched high and low (and lower) yesterday to find a good hump day story for you, but it just wasn't in the cards.  I tried again this morning, but to no avail.  I hope you'll forgive me - you'll just have to wait until next Wednesday.

In unrelated news, I am going to be an aunt!  My brother-in-law and his wife are expecting their first little one in July.  Huzzah!  I'm looking forward to having a niece or nephew to spoil.  :-)

9 days left until Christmas.  Are you ready?  I'm really not.  I think most of our shopping is done, but still no tree, nothing has been wrapped, no cookies have been baked...  There's a lot to do in the next few days!  Eep!

Hump Day - I Have A Vibrator & I'm Not Afraid To Use It!

So, according to this article, a 56-year-old woman had herself a dine and dash evening at the local crab shack, and when the police came her her home, she threatened to assault them with - I kid you not - a sex toy.  

Allow me to point out just why I find this so hilarious.

1) This happened in Gurnee, IL.  Anything that happens in Illinois just makes me laugh.

2) A woman in her mid-50's felt the need to skip out on a bill at Joe's Crab Shack.  Really, lady?

3) They won't identify the actual sex toy used to threaten the cops.  This has led to some fantastic comments on the story, among my favorites being, "The policeman refuses to identify the JoyToy. Her lawyers claims it was assault with a friendly weapon."  

4) They actually charged her with a PUI - Pedestrian Under the Influence.  (Ok, this may be more sad than funny.. or maybe just tragically funny?  Either way, worth pointing out.)

5) This actually happened.  Think about that for a second.  This.  Actually.  Happened. 

Hump Day - Phone Sex, Cyber Sex, Kinect Sex?

I have to imagine that there have been substitutes for physical sexual interaction for nearly as long as sex has been around.  As a species, we've written about sex, so you'd imagine we probably exchanged letters about it (snail mail sex?).  We have nude magazines and video pornography for our viewing pleasures.  We've used the phone to verbally get it on.  And of course there's cybersex (who needs the real thing when you can type it out?). 

But all of these options are becoming trite.  It's clearly time for something new!  Something fresh and exciting!

Enter Kinect Sex.  As the article says, we could be within reach of having sex via video game.  Essentially, the site indicates that the Kinect technology is sophisticated enough that it could be used to simulate sex via a dildo or even one's own body.  

Someday in the future, when we get that urge, we can hang up the phone and go AFK so we can connect with Kinect!

Or, you know, you could try real sex.  Just a thought.

On that note, don't forget that today is World AIDS Day.  Reflect on those in your life affected by, struggling with, or have been lost to AIDS and consider volunteering or donating to help the cause.  If only we could be as close to finding a cure as we are to Kinect Sex...

Hump Day - Doing The Robot

When someone suggests we "do the robot," I usually get prepared to head to the dance floor.  But more and more, it seems, people are heading to the bedroom.  That's right, I'm talking about sex robots.

According to the article, the demand for these robots is growing around the world.  Particularly in the UK.  I guess I'm not totally surprised that the US has carved out a niche in this market, but wouldn't you think Japan would've been the first choice for this?  Just saying. 

The most disturbing part of this to me isn't that people want sex robots that look like celebrities; that's a given (anyone else reminded of that episode of "Futurama" with the Lucy Liu bot?).  It's not that it can talk or fake an orgasm; any woman can do that.  It's not even that people think having a "relationship" with a robot is acceptable.

No, the most disturbing part to me is that these robots have human hair.  Whose hair is it?  Do they do a sex robot hair donation drive?  Do the manufacturers go to salons and ask for leftover hair?  

Also, why is it necessary?  Do some people actually wash or style the robot's hair as part of their fantasy?  Do you think most people would really care if the hair was synthetic?  I mean, really...  The whole idea just seems creepy.

Hump Day - A New Kind of Quickie

Have you ever been driving home from work and suddenly you think to yourself, "Gee, I could really go for a new vibrator, but I just don't have the time!"?  Or maybe you're looking for some back-seat loving, but could really use some lube. 

No matter the problem, this place has the answer: sex-toy drive thru lanes!

All jokes aside, though, this story is actually a bit sad.  Alabama is the last state to have a ban on sex toys, so they can't be purchased without "a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose."  

To skirt this issue, customers are required to fill out a form indicating the medical "issue" that necessitates the purchase.  I can only imagine what some of those look like... 

Purchase: Vibratror

Reason for Purchase: I have a bad back and need this personal massager to ease my pain.

Purchase: Lubricant

Reason for Purchase: I have dry elbows...  Yes.  Dry elbows.

Purchase: Handcuffs

Reason for Purchase: My wife sleepwalks and I need them to keep her in bed.

Anywhoozles, you can see where I'm going with this, right?  IT'S RIDICULOUS!  Comparable to, let's see here... Medicinal marijuana?  "Uh, my leg kinda hurts and, um..."  "Here you go!  An Rx for some weed ought to fix you right up!"  

I'm not saying that there aren't people who may legitimately need weed (or sex toys, I guess) for medical reasons, but the fact that we're making people come up with lame-ass excuses in order to get these things goes so far beyond ridiculous that I'm not even sure there's a word for it.  However, I will now make it my goal to come up with a word for it.

(Uncrediculicious?  Ridonculary?  I'll keep trying...) 

Hump Day - Post Elections

I'll admit it: I didn't vote.

Nope.  Did not vote.  Why didn't I vote?  Well, I didn't feel informed enough to vote.  I have so much else I'd rather pay attention to, that politics just goes right over my head.  So when it comes to Election Day, I'm usually pretty clueless.  

Sure, I could have voted anyway.  I could have voted all Dem because I tend to align myself that way more often than not.  I could have voted all Rep because I'm angry or bitter.  I could have voted by whose name sounds silliest.  Or created a pretty pattern with my selections.  Or voted for Mickey Mouse or Kodos (which, I am proud to say, I have done in the past).  Or left the whole thing blank!

Would any of these have been better?  Maybe so.  I'm sure there's an argument out there for them.  But in my heart, if I don't know who I believe is best suited for the job, then I don't feel qualified to vote.  And that's my decision.

On a lighter note, it's Hump Day!  And as such, I have a special post-election hump day link to share!

For those who feel like they've been f*cked by the president, now they can f*ck him back!  Yes, friends, there's an Obama sex doll available in China.  Check it out.

Note: The Obama sex doll can be used for non-angry sex, too.  Just sayin'.  ;-)