Caring For Your Erika: Depressive Episodes

EDIT: I just wanted to preface this by saying it was meant to be part tongue-in-cheek and part serious, as is kind of my style. I don't expect ANYONE to 'take care of' me when I'm depressed, but should someone want to help out or better understand what I might be going through, here you go.

No two people are the same. I mean, you can be scarily similar to someone else, but there will always be differences. The same goes for mental illness: no two individuals' mental health struggles are the same. Symptoms, triggers, reactions, needs... they all differ based on the person.

Every so often, I find myself bawling and feeling worthless for no known reason. This is part of what I define as a depressive episode, and when it gets to that point, it's really hard to just suck it up and keep on keepin' on. About a month ago, I called into work because I couldn't stop crying and spent the day on the couch with my dogs. I was never in any danger, and I've certainly been through worse, but this one was like a sneak attack and I was completely unprepared for it. As I just went through something similar again, finishing this post seemed like a good idea.

I'm lucky to have a few really excellent friends who have seen me through some really rough times in my life (feel free to go back and read about some of the fun) and continue to be here for me. But even the closest of friends, those who have been through the worst of it with me, sometimes aren't sure what to do when an episode hits, or might not be aware that I'm in the midst of one. So, ladies and gents here is a quick guide!

Caring For Your Erika During a Depressive Episode

Part 1: Identifying A Depressive Episode

How exactly does one know if their Erika is experiencing depression? It's a good question and, unfortunately, there isn't an easy answer. Sometimes your Erika will tell you straight out that it's happening; that's usually a pretty clear indicator that an episode is occurring. But if your Erika is playing a bit coy, here are some things to look for:

• Your Erika may be quieter than usual. Her responses may be shorter and carry less emotion than normal, or she may take much longer to respond in the first place (both when speaking face-to-face and via text/message). This is often an early warning sign, though be sure to rule out sleepiness and 'hanger' as possible causes.
• Your Erika may not be eating. If stressed, Erika has a tendency to overeat, but in the throes of an episode, she is much more likely to skimp on food instead (and what little she eats is unlikely to fall into any major food group).
• Your Erika may be crying. This sign is much easier to read in person but can be a strong sign of a depressive event.
• Other indications may exist and should be reviewed on a case-by-case basis.

Part 2: What To Expect

Once you've determined that your Erika might be having a depressive episode, what can you expect to happen?

• Crying. You may think your Erika's tears have dried up. She may go minutes, even hours, without so much as a drop. Do not assume that this means your Erika is done crying. She's not.
• Neediness. Even more than usual, your Erika may seem to lean on you. She may even come to resemble ClingWrap in her efforts to ensure that you are not leaving her in her time of need. Whilst uncomfortable, rest assured that the effects are usually temporary.
• More crying. See above.
• Pushing. Contrary to the above, you may actually feel your Erika pushing you or your attempts to help away. This does NOT mean she does not want or need your help. In fact, she may need it even more than you know.
• Self-deprecation. Your Erika may begin to doubt her awesomeness during this time. She may feel unworthy, make negative statements, and feel all around bummed about herself. 
• Yet more crying. How many tears can she possibly have?? Only time will tell.

Part 3: How Can You Help?

So, how can you best help your Erika when in the midst of a depressive episode? There's no tried and true method that will work each and every time, but there ARE a few things that are likely to help.

• Let her cry. It might make you uncomfortable, but trying to stop the crying is not going to work. Let it happen. If you prefer not to be cried on, sit a safe distance from your Erika and have plenty of tissues handy. Asking or telling her to stop crying is not advised; you've been warned.
• Reassure her. Even if she doesn't ask for it, even if you feel like a broken record, even if you don't understand WHY you're reassurance matters... Give it a try. Remind your Erika that you are there for her - if and when she needs you - and that your friendship is not so fragile as to be broken by this episode. If she pushes too much, give her a break for a bit. She may just need some time to let your affirmation sink in.
• Assist as you are able.
• If you're nearby, you can offer in-person comfort. Does she need to talk? Lend her your ear. Does she need a hug (the answer is almost always yes)? Cuddle up or, if you're not the cuddling type, grab the tiny dog or a stuffed animal and let her hug her heart out. Has she forgone eating? Bring her a bite to eat (she responds especially well to ice cream and chocolate).   
• Not available or close enough to visit? That's fine! Texting helps. So do random memes and videos of adorable and/or funny things. Kindness has many forms and travels long distances with little effort. Just checking in with your Erika can be a major help.

Part 4: After The Episode

Unfortunately, these things do not always disappear as quickly as they have seemingly appeared. A depressive episode can wreak havoc emotionally, mentally, and physically. It may have passed and your Erika may be feeling a bit better, but odds are good she is a bit exhausted in some capacity. She may need a nap or some extra chill time before facing the world again. It's possible that some plans will have to be adjusted or canceled to allow her to fully recover. Sometimes recovery takes a few hours, other times it may take a day or two. Try to be patient with your Erika during this time; she knows it's a pain in the ass and feels bad about it. Trust me, she'd rather just be feeling better. Give it time.

Notes & Tips

These little tidbits didn't really fit in with the above-outlined parts of the episode but may be noteworthy nonetheless.

• Offering help is much appreciated, but your Erika is unlikely to speak up and say what she needs or wants because she feels so undeserving. She may view any offers of help as insincere or as being borne out of pity. Likewise, she will often feel unworthy of requesting anything on her own, assuming it would be a burden or seen as an act of selfishness. 
• Depressive episodes, even within the same person, can vary. Your Erika might get through one episode all on her own, but be nearly incapacitated by the next. Unfortunately, she won't know how it will play out until she's smack in the middle of it. Isn't the unpredictable nature of depression exciting?
• Depression is NOT a choice. And your Erika is doing things regularly to cope with it, such as daily medication and regular therapy sessions. Hell, even writing this all out is a great outlet and coping strategy! 
• Last, but not least, a reminder: No matter how hard it is in the moment, remember that this is temporary. Your Erika has been through a lot, and yet she's still here. She's stronger than she thinks and braver than she knows. She might not see that in the face of darkness, so remind her that she has the tools to get through this. And if all else fails, offer her a flashlight.

Text Anxiety: Why I Overuse LOL, Punctuation, and Emojis (And Secretly Wish Everyone Else Would, Too)

A couple of months ago I wrote a post about texting with anxiety. It felt really good to get it out there, to give some insight into what goes on in the depths of my anxious mind and maybe reach some people, perhaps even people who have experienced text anxiety themselves. If it went over well, I was even going to submit it to The Mighty; maybe I can help heal the world, one post at a time!

It got 4 views.

Eh, better than nothing, right? Nevertheless, here I am, writing another post about my anxiety and texting. Because reaching 4 people is still something.

The last post was largely about sending and receiving texts, which is obviously step one. By no means does the anxiety stop there, though. There's the anxiety of crafting a good message. And the anxiety of waiting for a response. And, for me, the effects of anxiety on my interpretation of a response. This post is going to be about the latter.

As an empath, I'm usually pretty good at reading people in person. There are times when I struggle; if my own emotions are particularly strong in a given moment, they can sometimes taint the 'signal' I'm getting from someone else. For example, if I'm feeling particularly low/sad, and someone I'm with delivers a dry, sarcastic remark (which I'm usually all about), I might mistake their tone as hostile or annoyed instead of joking. Many times, all it takes is a moment to look at them, to absorb facial cues and body language, as well as remind myself that most people are not inherently mean and my mind loves to play tricks on me, and I can usually reassess and figure out that they're kidding. Phew!

The issue with texting then, as you likely already guessed, is that I'm missing all of those clues: tone, expression, body language... all out the window. Imagine an entire conversation in which the person you're speaking to has a blank face, doesn't move, and remains monotone throughout. Would you have any idea what they were feeling? Probably not. So what do you do?

If you're like me, you project. I think of it like watching black and white TV. At a certain point, my brain just kind of fills the color in for me. Not in a conscious way necessarily. I mean, I don't literally start seeing colors in place of grayscale. But my imagination makes suggestions, and if push came to shove, I could tell you what I think the colors are or should be.

Reading texts can be similar - without being able to hear the actual tone intended for a statement, my brain comes up with a tone in order to assign additional context and meaning. And often, I imagine it's dead wrong, but short of asking things like "How did you mean that?" or "That was a joke, right?" after every text, there has to be at least a little bit of guesswork on behalf of the recipient.

Likewise, I fear that whoever is reading a text from me is going through the same struggle. What if I don't properly convey my emotional response in this brief interaction? What if they think I'm being a raging bitch-monster when I'm just trying to be my lovable, snarky AF self?! It legitimately makes me anxious just thinking about it.

And I know I'm not alone here. Think about the 'evolution' of LOL. Remember what that actually stands for? Laughing OUT LOUD. Unless we're all a bunch of hysterical hyenas, we are NOT reserving it for just those times. These days its use is, more or less, intended to convey some kind of tone. Sometimes it suggests, "I'm gonna say this thing, but I don't want you to take it too seriously." Or maybe, "I'm just responding positively to your humorous statement/gif/whatever; I don't actually have anything to say but I don't want you to feel ignored." Or my personal favorite, "I don't want shit to get awkward if we're not on the same page here, so I'm using these three letters as my own personal safety net."

It doesn't stop at LOL either; I, personally, have several ways of trying to inject tone or emotion into messages. Punctuation and capitalization are probably the most obvious (which is why I overuse the hell out of exclamation marks), but there are others. Extra letters, for example. If someone tells/shows me something and I like it or am impressed, 'nice' becomes 'niiiiiiiiice.' The more disappointed or displeased I am, the more Os get added to the word 'boo' or 'no.' And when I'm excited, the number of Ss that get tagged onto the end of a 'yes' or an occasional 'yas' can vary from a few extra to "Did her finger get stuck?"

The most polarizing way to establish mood/tone/whatever, though, has to be emojis (or emoticons; yes, I know there's a difference, but shut up). As we all know, some people love the little dudes to the point of overuse. Some people aren't fans of using them at all, except in extreme circumstances. Others find them downright obnoxious. Personally, I think they're pretty helpful, not to mention kind of fun to use.I'm 99% sure that my friends think I'm just an emoji whore, but it's more than just a cute little image to me. Emojis help me express the sentiment of a statement, and they REALLY help me interpret the tone of someone else's, especially when the text is a one-word response. 'Okay' is not a particularly warm word. We know it represents an affirmative response, but that doesn't mean it's always a POSITIVE response. The same goes for words like 'sure' and 'fine' (which many argue almost always means the exact opposite). Check it out.

Person 1: Hey, you wanna catch a movie tonight?
Person 2: Sure

Obviously, the response is affirmative, but the individual doesn't sound super excited. As Person 1, I'd be reading into that WAY too much (because it's what I do). Do they REALLY want to go to the movie, or are they just saying yes for the sake of saying yes? Am I bugging them by asking? Should I back out of it to let them off the hook? The mind races, and inevitably I'm assuming the absolute worst when all they really meant was 'sure.' BUT, add a smile in there, and...

Person 1: Hey, you wanna catch a movie tonight?
Person 2: Sure 😀

As stupid as it might sound, that little yellow dude grinning like an idiot makes me feel immeasurably better about Person 2's response. Like, aha! They're happy to be asked and happy to say yes. This is good and fills me with much happiness of my own. Huzzah!

I'm working on trying NOT to read so much into simple messages, but it can be pretty rough sometimes. If I just used a plethora of smiley faces and exclamation marks but your response ends in a period (dun dun DUN!!), it's hard to redirect my brain from immediately thinking you clearly hate my guts and never want to talk to me again. Or, at the very least, that you're obviously not as jazzed about the topic at hand as I am and probably think I'm kind of a goober.

So, if you don't worry about this kind of stuff, you've probably determined that I am all kinds of certifiable. I'm not saying you're wrong. Maybe I am crazy. But maybe you like me anyway. And maybe you know OTHER people who think/feel similarly (perish the thought!) and want some insight to help you communicate better. On the other hand, if you DO worry about this kind of stuff,  now you can cue up 'You Are Not Alone' and bask in the knowledge that someone else is your brand of crazy! 😊

The Myth of the Rational Empath

I've written before about being an empath. Not of the supernatural variety, but of the highly sensitive, deep feeling, empathetic to a fault variety. It may be why I startle easily. It probably contributes to my over-apologizing. It absolutely causes me to feel things differently than others. And, like anything in life, it has its good parts and its bad parts. 

This is a subject I have a hard time with because I fear judgment. I want others to think that I'm strong and capable and sane, and I worry that my empathicness (is that a word? It is now!) is more likely to be seen as a weakness, something that makes me somehow less capable and less rational than others. 

And so I've put this off. I've started it again and again. Drafts have been deleted or rewritten to no avail (pretty sure I started drafting this iteration at least 3-4 weeks ago). Then I was reminded of this: 

With my semi-recent #sorrynotsorry challenge (which went well, for the record!) and the looming thoughts surrounding my own insecurities about being an empath and HSP (highly sensitive person), this tweet opened the floodgates. I still didn't write it all at once, because I'm easily distracted this time of year, but here we are getting it done (finally).

The big thing to know is that I feel things deeply. Sometimes unnecessarily so, or to my own detriment, but it's just how I've always processed emotions. And it's not always a bad thing!

It's why I enjoy putting thought and energy into giving gifts to people (even strangers - I loved being a part of Reddit's Secret Santa this season!) in hopes that it'll bring them a smile. It's why I don't really like cooking or baking for just myself because the real joy I find in it is when someone else enjoys what I've made. It's why I get weirdly attached to characters in shows, movies, and books (like when I cried because Weebo "died" in Flubber) and go through a brief mourning period when I end a particularly good series and why I like to rewatch and reread those series so I can visit those characters over and over. Whether we're lifelong friends or new acquaintances, if I feel like we've connected, then you're part of my circle - that means you have my friendship, my respect, and my loyalty (even if I don't have yours).

On the other hand, it's why when my depression starts spiraling, it often happens so quickly that I can't even recognize what's going on until it's too late. It's why the thought of my friends or family in pain makes me hurt - sometimes physically - especially when there's nothing I can do to help them or nothing I can say that will ease that pain. It's why things that may cause small amounts of anxiety in some people result in me having panic attacks (or damn near) out of the blue. When my heart breaks, it takes a long time for me to pick up the pieces, and I've probably even lost a few bits along the way. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see and, in doing so, it gets scratched, snagged, and scarred along the way. My heart is easily bruised and sometimes that can be really hard. But I believe that having my heart at the ready also means that I can more easily find great love and appreciation for even the smallest things. It often means that I don't have to dig deep to find my compassion. And though I'm not always happy about it, one rarely has to guess how I'm feeling - it's all out there to be seen, whether I like it or not. 

And I'm not sorry for any of it. I would rather feel things too severely than not at all. Numbness may seem easier, especially when things get bad; trust me, I've been there. But to experience positive emotions as strongly as I do? It's worth every sob session, every soul ache, every piece of my heart I've left behind on my path through life. 

What I AM sorry for is the lack of understanding others seem to have regarding empaths and HSPs. It's easy for people to just see that part of someone and make assumptions. People frequently have this notion that the higher one's emotions run, the less rationally they think and act. And for some empaths, maybe even the majority, it does work that way. But as with any group of people, assuming we're 'all the same' is useless at best. Being sensitive and feeling things intensely does NOT mean I am an inherently irrational person. 

Are there times I act largely based on what I feel? Of course. Are there times that my emotions - or the emotions of others - hit me so hard that I get overwhelmed? Yep, that happens, too. Nonetheless, strong feelings and a tender heart don't mean I'm incapable of thinking rationally and reasonably. Logic and emotion are not mutually exclusive, nor are they inverses of one another.  

Maybe we need to stop seeing everything as one thing or another. Maybe we can challenge the ways in which we think of people - including ourselves - so that we stop believing in limitations that don't have to exist. Maybe we can stop judging those we barely know and instead focus on learning more about them and finding who they really are.

Or, maybe I'm the exception to the rule. Maybe I'm a mythical being: The Rational Empath, she who is the veritable "riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma." The elusive creature of great beauty and wisdom, who will bring you good luck if you catch her!

But probably not. I'm pretty easy to catch...

The Unfortunate Double Standard of Texting With Anxiety

Right off the bat, I want to start by pointing out that I can only speak to MY experiences. Not everyone with an anxiety disorder or who fights with anxiety has the same thoughts or feelings. Someone may read this and think, "Yeah, some of that kinda sounds like me!" Someone else might read it and go, "Damn, that's messed up. I have anxiety and I've never felt like that!" It should go without saying, but not everyone with anxiety is identical in how their anxiety manifests, how they handle it, how they think about it...  But I digress.

We won't even get into rotary phones...

I've never been huge on phone calls. Sure, I did some of the teenage girl thing where I'd be on the phone for hours at a time talking about nothing at all, but it was never comfortable or natural. I paced a lot, which is a lot harder when you have a corded phone. (If you're too young to have experienced this, just imagine that your cell phone had to be plugged into the wall charger ALL THE TIME - the horror!). Once I got a cordless phone, I would wander outside and hop on the swingset or just wander around the house. Sitting still wasn't really an option if I was on a call that lasted more than about five minutes.

It's also worth pointing out that the vast majority of these calls were made TO me, not BY me. I'll get to why this is important later, but very rarely have I ever gone, "Man, I should just call up what's-her-bucket and chat for a while!" Odds were also good that one of my parents answered the phone first and handed it off to me; the only time I answered the phone of my own volition was when no one else was home and I was worried it might be a call about my parents, which is another part of my childhood anxiety we don't have time for in this post.

("Why not let the machine get it?" you may ask. Easy. My parents believed that "if it's important, they'll call back" so it was FOREVER before we even had one. Like, we skipped the whole type of machine that had the tape you had to rewind. Our very first answering machine had multiple "inboxes" and was completely digital. And while my parents said it was more about dad's work, I still think that the biggest reason we got one was that I kept using *69 to find out if anyone had called for me while I was gone. Again, if you're too young for this reference... I don't know, go find someone who was alive and using phones in the 90s and ask them to regale you with stories of the world of old.)

I got my first cell phone when I was 20 and I'm pretty sure I sent my first text that very day. Kids, this was back in the day when not only was texting a major pain in the ass, it was also pretty costly. Phone plans gave you a certain number of texts each month and anything beyond that cost extra. I'm here to tell you that a phone aversion + pay-to-play texting = money problems. In fact, my phone bills were a big reason I couldn't put enough money away to return to school back in 2005 and led me down my

While not my 1st phone,
I totally had this bad boy
for quite some time.
#RIPcingular

current life path, so... Stay in school? No, that's not the point here. Moving on.

Texting was expensive and I was, well, not exactly swimming in excess cash. So once my text limit was reached each month, I got used to taking phone calls with certain important people in my life. Again, they mostly called me instead of the other way around, but the freedom of being able to wander while talking allowed me to work out some of that nervous energy and I was able to stand it for a bit.

These days, texting (or any version of "instant" messaging) seems to be just part of daily life for the majority of us. (Hell, my parents text, and my dad is the guy who used to pride himself on the fact that all he knew about our home PC was how to turn it on and off.) And while I'm much better about using the phone these days (yay therapy!), texting is still my preferred method of communication.

Remember when I mentioned that most of the time people had/have to call me instead of the other way around? (It was several paragraphs ago, so if you don't remember or don't want to go back that far, just take my word on it.) I constantly worried that I would be interrupting something or that my call would be unwelcome or annoying in some way. Basically, I didn't think anyone wanted to hear from me, because if they did, wouldn't they have called me? Yes, I'm aware of the flaws in that way of thinking. Yes, I'm aware that most people just don't answer right away if they're inconvenienced or don't want to talk. But for some reason, my anxiety convinces me that I'm going to be a bother to whoever I'm calling.

The same applies to texting. With VERY few exceptions (mostly my bestie and my sister), I am extremely hesitant to send an unsolicited, unprompted text message to most people I know. Circumstances make no difference. We could literally have been texting up a storm the day before, but today is a new day, and maybe today you don't want to deal with me, so... I should probably just leave you alone. The rational part of me goes, "Dude, if they're busy or don't want to chat with you, they'll just ignore it. It's fine." Then anxiety comes back with, "But how do I know if they're ignoring me because they're busy or if it's because they don't want to talk to me anymore?? If I don't text, then I don't have to worry about that!"

Yes, I realize how fucked up that is.

So, what makes texting such a double standard for me? The fact that I LOVE getting messages from the people in my life. Nothing puts a smile on my face like hearing from people I care about. I don't care if we haven't spoken in months; if you send a random AF text, my heart will be oh so happy. It doesn't even have to be like, "OMG, it's been too long and I miss you. We should totally talk sometime soon!" Honestly, it could just say, "Sup?" and I'd be genuinely psyched just to hear from you.

2 words can say SO much more

Plus, I worry. I know that's beyond obvious, but sometimes I think people underestimate the levels of worry that I can reach. And, my apologies to those of you in my texting circle... the more frequently we send messages, the worse the worry can get. For example, if I don't hear from my bestie in a few days (or, sometimes, a few hours), I start getting concerned. Is she okay? Did I say something to piss her off? Is her family okay? What did I do wrong? Are we still friends? WHAT DID I DO?!

Alright, I know that seems a little (or a lot) crazy, but that's anxiety. On a bad day, I can end up doubting that my bestie even wants to be friends with me anymore just because I haven't heard from her. This is my hetero lifemate. My person. My piece of corn (sorry, that one's an inside joke). Of fucking COURSE she's my friend! She's my BEST friend. Thankfully (yet, unfortunately), she understands the insecurities and insanity of anxiety and never hesitates to remind me that I'm a dummy if I think she's going anywhere.

And yet, ask her if I've ever apologized to her for "bugging" her with a message. Or saying something like, "Sorry, I'll let you go. Didn't want to bother you." Because the answer is yes. I haven't done it so much lately (we made a deal where we're not allowed to apologize to one another for such things; I'm doing my best to stick to it), but I absolutely have said sorry for texting MY BEST FRIEND. And at the same time, I would NEVER want her to apologize for messaging me, no matter the context or content. How could she ever be a bother to me?

There you have it. I'm constantly worried I'm bothering people with my texts, but my own heart soars when I hear that little ding. Someone's thinking of me! Someone wants to talk to me! Someone likes me enough to engage me in conversation! YAY!! I'm trying to turn that thinking back around; mightn't other people be happy to hear from me, just as I'm happy to hear from them? It's really hard to challenge negative thoughts, but I am actually trying.

Just the other day I was worried about bothering someone who was having a rough day, but then I thought, "Hmmm, if I was having a tough time, I'd really appreciate a text..." And so, I texted. A small but important victory, IMO. (Okay, so I've already since apologized for bothering the same person with a different text... baby steps, Bob! BABY STEPS!) Someday, I won't need to talk myself through that; for now, all I can do is keep trying.

Phew! This got a lot longer than I meant, so if you're still reading... Well, I won't apologize. You made the choice to keep reading, and I appreciate it. Thank you. :)

Hello Darkness, My Old Nemesis

2+ years since a post here. Daaaaaaaaang. In my defense, I was blogging elsewhere, and I was going through some shit, so... Wait, why am I defending myself? Moving on!

For many of us, the change in seasons - particularly as things get colder and darker - brings about other changes. And not the fun, happy kind of changes that brighten your day and put a bounce in your step. Nope, quite the opposite, actually.

That's right, kids! It's another post about depression! Wooooo!

While I have not been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, I always tend to struggle a bit this time of year. Between the colder weather and the early darkness (especially now that we've "fallen back" an hour... Seriously, why do we still do that?), I think it can be difficult to get motivated to do things. Especially things outside, because, well, yuck. We had snow for Halloween this year, FFS. Totally uncalled for.

Anyway, I'd actually been doing really well for quite some time, but last week I had a minor depressive episode in which I found myself swallowed by darkness. It came on quickly, and because it hadn't happened in a while, I kind of forgot how to fight it. I forgot I had my flashlight (ahhhh, shameless self-promotion!). Thankfully, my bestie was around to chat and we got my brain back on the right track and I hopped right on out of the hole. Huzzah!

Then yesterday happened. Nothing was particularly different about it. It was a Tuesday. I was working. Listening to music. Chatting up my bestie. All the normal things that I do. But for some reason, this loneliness crept up out of nowhere. It started with thoughts like, "Man, I really wish I had some people out here to do things with" and "It's been so long since I've seen fill-in-the-blank, I miss her/him."

Then it started escalating, and instead of my voice, I heard THAT voice. You know, the one that says things like, "Well, of course it's been so long. Why would they come just to see you? You're not worth a whole trip out here!" and "You'd think you'd be used to being alone by now, wouldn't you? Better start now."

I decided to try taking a nap, hoping that the voice couldn't break through the sleep barrier, but I couldn't fall asleep. Instead, I literally just laid in bed and let the voice attack me. I cried. Not a ton, but enough to make me feel even more pathetic than I already had been feeling. The voice said some more nasty things, and I just took it. The depression and crying had drained me; I had no fight in me at that point. I couldn't even muster of the energy to adequately cover for myself and told someone, "I'm fine."

Maybe it goes without saying, but the phrase "I'm fine" really means anything BUT that about 99.9% of the time. But it just came out and I didn't have it in me to try to backtrack or explain myself. I just let it ride.

Eventually, it came out that I was clearly not all that fine, and I tried apologizing. For what, exactly, I'm not sure. It's just my default to be sorry. For being sad. For being no fun. For being needy. For bringing someone else down. For not taking care of myself. For trying to cover it up. For not doing a better job trying to cover it up. For my mental illness. For being the kind of person who apologizes for their own mental illness. For being... me.

So there I was, sitting on my kitchen floor waiting for my frozen pizza to be ready - because honestly, my other default is to eat, and while not the greatest habit to be in, it's a hell of a lot better than crying in bed - and I had a talk with myself.

Erika. You're having a low day. And it sucks. But that voice? That voice is an asshole. It knows every button to push, every thread to pick at, every pain point imaginable. It knows you. But you also know it. It lies. It hurts. It feeds off insecurity and despair. So stop feeding it! Eat some food, watch some TV, get some energy back, and be YOU. Because YOU are awesome. 

I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point. I was giving myself a pep talk. And it worked, at least a little. I got my pizza, went and watched some TV, and felt a little better. With some energy restored, I was able to get up and make a Target run, and then I felt even better yet! And by the time I got home, I didn't even need the pint of ice cream I'd bought. (Oh, I still had some, but I didn't eat the WHOLE thing. Progress, y'all.)

This might all sound pretty unnecessary to some people. Either because they've never had to get out of a depressive funk or because they think what I was experiencing was too minor to be such an ordeal or because blah blah, whatever logic or reasoning seems sound enough to them to write this off or call me a drama queen. But if you've been in it, if you've experienced that darkness, you know that the amount of evidence and prodding it takes to convince your brain otherwise is frequently disproportionate to the trigger or matter at hand. (You know, like dropping a box of macaroni and crying for an hour.)

In the end, the trigger isn't nearly as significant as the episode itself. That's the nature of depression. Some days, you get lonely and you just go, "Hey. Chin up! It's all good!" Other days you have the same thought and end up crying in bed in the dark with a couple of very confused dogs.

My point (yes, I have one... I think) is that it's a lot harder to get out of a hole than to fall into it. Whether you tripped over your own feet or someone bumped into you or you dove headfirst... It doesn't matter so much how you got in there as it matters how you get OUT. Don't let your focus be on the trigger or the fall; let it be on making it out and moving on. Let it be on your victory in the face of darkness. Let that be your next flashlight.

Why Gary Johnson?

I have a confession to make: My primary news source is Facebook.

Seriously! Scanning my Facebook feed not only shows me what my friends and family consider important enough to share, but also what is being discussed or shared on a bigger scale. I find it's the best of both worlds.

This isn't to say that I don't go to other sources as well. I frequently check the sites for my local news stations and papers. Google News is one of my most visited websites. In my recent browser history, you can find The New York Times, HuffPo, CNN, Slate.com, and others. I don't rely solely on FB.

My preciousssss...

But it is my first stop in the morning. And my most frequent stop throughout the day. I see a TON of political posts all day, every day. It has been this way for months and it will be this way for the next six weeks (at least). There is no escaping it and I've already come to terms with that. The problem is that the majority of them seem to tell me one of the following three things:

1) Why I should not vote for Trump.

2) Why I should not vote for Clinton. 

3) Why I should not vote for a third party candidate.

                                                    

I understand that, to a certain degree, every election is about why you don't want the other person to get elected. Vote for my candidate because the other candidate sucks. It makes sense. 

You know, like this.

I also see my share of "I'm with Her" and "Make America Great Again" posts (more of the former than the latter). These are the posts that usually have a picture of the candidate with some quote or tagline (or, these days, hashtag). These are at least positive, pro-candidate posts, so that's a plus.

What I seem to be missing, though, are the articles telling me why I should vote for one candidate or another. Why should I vote for Trump? Why should I vote for Clinton? Why should I consider a third party candidate? Surely they exist, but my FB feed seems to be void of such links. 

I can explain the lack of pro-Trump shares I see on Facebook the same way Trevor Noah explains why I had no clue who Tomi Lahren was before I watched this clip. Many of my friends, likes, and links are far more closely aligned with the political left, so FB probably thinks I have no interest in Trump-positive posts. And perhaps I can explain the lack of pro-Hillary links as a personal shortcoming. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough. I mean, I've found a few links here and there, but it seems like more often I just see references to voting for Clinton to keep Trump out of the Oval (or vice versa).

I've been posting a bit about third party candidates lately, and I've made it quite clear that I plan to vote for Johnson/Weld in the upcoming election. But I have not shared why I am voting this way. 

Until now.

Why I Am Voting for Gary Johnson & Bill Weld

• Let's start with issues. Feel free to dive in at johnsonweld.com, or you can check sites like isidewith.com or ontheissues.org.



Can't we just squish it?

• Environment. Yes, you've probably heard that Gary says the sun will grow and encompass the earth. He also said that's going to happen billions and billions of years in the future, so forget about that for now. Johnson wants to protect our planet and is pro-EPA. He just believes that incentivizing/penalizing companies for their practices is an ineffective way to address environmental issues like global warming. He believes that we need to find ways to protect the environment, just not in that particular way. 
• Civil liberties. The former governors are all about personal freedom. If what you're doing isn't harmful to others, then keep on keeping on. They are pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and pro-legalization, among other things.
• War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Unless we're being attacked first. Then it is ON. (But seriously, Johnson and Weld want to get our troops home, which I am totally behind.) Yes, he plans to cut military spending. No, I don't know how that will affect things. Yes, I still support him on this issue.
• Immigration. No wall. No deportations. No crazy stuff. Gary and Bill want to rework the system to make the immigration process more efficient. It may take some time. And it won't be perfect. But it might be better than what it is now, and it's definitely better than a wall.
• Other. I can't possibly hit every issue (at least, not without spending an unhealthy amount of time finishing this post), so I'll just get a few others in here. I am all for reducing the size of government. I think power should be divided/limited so no one governing body has absolute power. I believe in term limits across the board. I think reducing government spending is a good thing. I don't think we should be so involved in other countries' wars. The war on drugs needs to end NOW. And we'll stop there.
• His character. Yes, at this point I'm speaking just about Gary (though Bill seems like a pretty good guy, too). 





That's not misleading at all!

• Personal responsibility. Gary Johnson is flawed. He has had a few "gaffes" along the campaign trail. Like "What is Aleppo?" and failing to come up with his "favorite foreign leader" (not just ANY world leader, as many people/websites/news sources are suggesting). But he takes responsibility for his flaws. He doesn't try to cover them up or blame someone else. Of the Aleppo moment, he said, "No one to blame but myself for it. And no excuse." He also admitted that yeah, there are going to be a few more of these "moments" along the way. Because, you know, he's human. 
• Humor. He actually has a sense of humor and can laugh at himself. Always a plus, IMO.
• Determination and willpower. Gary has a TON of both. He sets out to do something, and then he does his damnedest to get it done. There's something to be said for that.
• Trustworthiness. Of the major candidates in this race, Gary seems (to me) to be the most trustworthy option. He seems genuine and honest, and so I am putting my faith in him.
• The campaign and supporters. They factor in, too.
• Positivity. The Johnson/Weld campaign has been quite positive overall. That's not to say he hasn't had negative things to say about the other candidates. Of course he has. But he's been largely pro-Gary rather than anti-Trump/Clinton. 
• Funded by people. The funds raised for this campaign have come from individuals (like me) who believe in him as a candidate. That's pretty awesome.
• Still going strong. People started calling for Gary to give up before he even got started, but his campaign is still going and his popularity is still rising. You're not getting rid of us that easily.  

Do I agree with Gary's entire platform? No. I don't think I've agreed 100% with anyone ever. Not even my husband or my best friends. But I agree with him more than I do the other candidates. Is he the most polished, most prepared speaker? Definitely not. But when he speaks, I feel like he means what he's saying, and that's more important to me. Would I have a beer with him? Probably not. But that's just because I'm not terribly fond of beer. If he's ever around, I'd gladly have an old fashioned with him and shoot the shit. 

That's MY voice.

Pokemon Go or Pokemon No?

This was a post I originally made on Facebook (slightly amended), but I figured it should be shared again. Also, sorry about the formatting. Copy/Paste can be a real bitch.

Yes, I am playing Pokemon Go. And yes, I know it's kind of [insert word of choice here - dumb, silly, etc.]. I resisted at first, but I'm enjoying it now that I have given it a chance.

I'm not as intense about it as I could be. Catching Pokemon is not my life goal, nor am I about to spend tons of money on an app that is otherwise free.

What has happened since I started Pokemon Go? A few pretty awesome things.

• I've been getting out to walk a LOT more than I was before. My average steps per day in August is more than twice what it was in June.
• I've been seeing parts of Milwaukee I hadn't really seen before. Hubby and I have driven past these places over and over, but never stopped. I've gotten to see lots of nature (waterfalls, flowers, beaches, just to name a few), as well as beautiful architecture.
• I've been more social than I have been in quite some time. We've been spending time with friends at least 2-3 times per week. And even when it's just Hubby and me, we enjoy the chance to be together outside of home and errands. It's been nice.

A few not-so-awesome things have also happened.

• Hubby and I were walking around the Third Ward when some girl at a restaurant (outdoor seating, on the sidewalk) yelled, "NERDS!" as we walked by. Actually, I wasn't even playing Pokemon Go at that point. I was playing Ingress (different game, same company). But it still counts.
• Another night, when we were at a popular park for Pokemon Goers, some girl in a car yelled something along the lines of, "Look at all of you! Get off your f*cking phones! You're all pathetic!" 
• I have definitely heard a few other things, but I can't remember them right now. Suffice it to say, they weren't kind, encouraging words.

So why post all of this? Well, it's sort of a PSA. Clearly, not everyone is cool with Pokemon Go. I know I have friends who are not fans of the game (vast understatement in some cases). And that's fine! You don't have to like it. You can think it's stupid or lame or whatever. You are entitled to your own opinion about it, good or bad. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! But if you could please think twice before shaming or chastising anyone who is playing, that would be really nice.

You may think we should all be doing something "better" with our time or lives, and hey, maybe we should be. I play and I still think to myself sometimes, "Am I really doing this? Isn't there something better I could be doing?" But then I realize I'm having a good time, getting some exercise and interaction, and I'm not hurting anyone, so I figure it's all good. 

Live and let live, right?

Everybody Hurts Sometimes, But Nobody Should Hurt All the Time

Life has been busy since June 6th's post. Brief recap.

June: I turned 29. Hubby turned 30. K came home for the summer (a drive that I was lucky enough to help with again). Saw Barenaked Ladies at Summerfest.

July: Aside from the traditional July 4th festivities with K, not much in July. We did go camping (which was great) but I forgot batteries for my camera (which was NOT great). Hubby's cherished project car (the '81 Camaro) burned to the ground. Oh, saw Paul McCartney at Miller Park! That was epic.

August: Went to State Fair. Hubby and I went on vacation with the puppers (road trip to/from Medford, OR). Fall semester started at the end of August.

September: Hubby and I celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary (by going to the zoo, of course).

Sprinkle a few Brewers games, a lot of grilling out, and a few more zoo trips and you're pretty much caught up. Ta da!

The real reason I wanted to write today is that it's World Mental Health Day/National Depression Screening Day. Obviously I've written about my depression before, so I (hopefully) won't bore you by repeating myself too much.

Depression blows. Seriously. And it so frequently goes undiagnosed. Sometimes because people think what they're feeling is normal. Sometimes they don't recognize the symptoms. Sometimes they believe that it's something to be ashamed of, which is the saddest of all to me. 

So, let's look at those 3 quick. (Yes, there are other reasons, but this is my blog. Deal.)

1) It's normal to feel like this. Sometimes, yes. Everyone feels sad sometimes. And sometimes we feel so sad, we refer to it as "depressed" (because I think we like to use longer, more complex words for more serious feelings... or maybe that's just me).  If you feel down after an upsetting experience (a loss, maybe), that's "normal." (I usually hate the word normal, but hopefully you can see why i have to use it here.) It's normal to cry and hate the world and want to curl up under the covers until things get better. But what about those times when nothing all that bad has happened and you feel that way? What if it lasts for weeks or months at a time? Does that seem as normal? Doesn't that sound like it warrants looking into?

For example, when Hubby and I lived in our apartment (which now seems like AGES ago), I would have episodes of depression in which really (and I mean really) trivial things made me feel worse. I once dropped a box of macaroni on the floor and wound up sobbing and screaming over it, convinced I was an epic failure and couldn't do anything right. An appropriate reaction might've been swearing or being pissy about cleaning it up, but I had a breakdown. That's not "normal."

2) It's not like I want to kill myself or anything. Suicidal thoughts are only one possible symptom of depression. And you don't even have to want to actively kill yourself... you can want to die without wanting to take the action to do so. But even if you don't have thoughts about your own demise, there are a bunch of other symptoms that could indicate you have some kind of depressive disorder. Sleeping too much or too little. A major change in appetite. Having no energy or interest in doing things you usually enjoy. Feeling like you're worthless. Problems with concentrating and making decisions. Even physical things like unexplained aches and pains.

Right before I went back on fluoxetine in 2008, I was experiencing a lot of these other symptoms. I was sleeping every chance I got and was still exhausted. I wasn't motivated to get out of the apartment to do things, and I usually lacked the energy to do much anyway. I pretty much always thought I was worthless, and I let Hubby make as many decisions as possible; everything else I just kind of ignored. (What should I wear today? Meh. I'll stay in my pajamas.) Even though I didn't want to kill myself, I was definitely experiencing some depression.

3) I can't go to a therapist/doctor. I'm not crazy/sick or That would be so embarrassing. Newsflash: Therapy isn't just for the "crazies" anymore, friends. Even if you are completely free of mental illness, you probably still experience some stress and/or worry (and if you don't, please let me know because I'm pretty sure the scientific community would love to study you). And if this stress, worry, sadness, or whatever is at all impacting your life in a negative way, you could probably benefit from a visit to the doctor or therapist. 

I took myself off of my medication when I was younger because I didn't want to have to rely on it to be myself. And I was (mostly) OK for awhile. But when an episode hit, I wasn't really prepared to handle it. These days, if I drop the macaroni now, I just curse, clean it up, and grab the next box or look for another option. My medication allows me to function like a normal person, and I wouldn't have the meds if I hadn't sought help. And while I'm not in therapy at the moment, I'm definitely not opposed to it! Certain therapies can be more effective than medication, particularly in the long run... it would be nice not to need the antidepressants for the rest of my life, but they work well for now.

So where do you start? Wherever you feel comfortable. You can do some research or take an assessment. You can talk to someone you trust, or make an appointment with your primary doctor. And if you need immediate help and don't know where to turn, don't forget that there's always someone to listen at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255).

Well, I hope I didn't sound too much like a bad PSA, and I hope you took something away from it! If nothing else, please remember this: No matter how you're feeling, who you are, or what you're going through, there is someone out there to offer love and support. You're not alone. Hey, you've got me, right? :)   

Crime Time

For the past few months, I've been checking the local police reports to see what kind of shit goes down in the Milwaukee area. Most of it's pretty standard: theft (apparently women in their later 20s to early 40s really like to shoplift), drunk driving, vandalism, etc. But some of them are too good, bad, or weird to keep to myself.

So allow me to present the first ever Crime Time post. I check these weekly, so expect more goodies to come.

The following are from official police reports in the greater Milwaukee area.

A caller reported a suspicious male was "lingering" around the park in the 10700 block of West Cold Spring Road at about 8:25 p.m. April 25. The caller told police the man, described as a white male about 40 to 50 years old with dark hair, went in the Porta Potty near the back end of the park and when he exited the he had changed from his work clothes into a white dress. The caller further stated that when the man noticed he was being watched by the caller and her family, he "high-tailed it out of there" and was last seen driving eastbound on West Cold Spring Road. Police checked the area but were unable to locate a man wearing a white dress.

You'd think a man in a white dress would stand out. Also, he might've been "lingering" but was he really all that threatening? Maybe he can't be himself at home (sad) and needed a place to change. Or maybe he's a superhero! I mean, phone booths aren't all that prevalent anymore...

A 17-year-old Mequon youth and 16-year-old youth, residence not listed, were cited for disorderly conduct after a caller said there were kids fighting in a parking lot in the 100 block of North Orchard Street at 3:20 p.m. April 14. It appeared other youths were filming the fight, and when officers arrived, the group left the area. Police later identified the fight participants from a YouTube video that was posted online.  

Seriously? Kids, here's a tip. If you're going to be stupid (like, illegal or getting the police involved kind of stupid), maybe wait awhile to Youtube it. I know all your friends want to see, but that's what email is for. Unless you want to get your friends in trouble, in which case, carry on (but watch your backs).

Police were dispatched on a call of a suspicious person at 2:46 p.m. April 16. A caller said two people were panhandling between Arby's and US Bank on Silvernail Road and had a sign that read "Hungry, Hungry, Hippies."

Suspicious? More like awesome.

Two 13-year-old Milwaukee boys were arrested after they got into a fistfight at Whitman Middle School, 11100 W. Center St., at 9:58 a.m. April 25. The two were fighting about a kickball game earlier that day.  

Kickball is serious business. I assume that this started because someone wanted a pitcher, not a belly-itcher.

An Amish buggy, value not listed, was reported taken from a yard in the 8700 block of North 64th Street at 5:45 p.m. April 20. No other information was available.

Stealing from the Amish? I'm pretty sure that's a paddlin'.

A woman, age and residence not released, was arrested for drunken driving, no proof of insurance and lane deviation after she crossed the centerline in the 5000 block of North Lake Drive and stopped on East Circle Drive at 1:10 a.m. April 24. When asked for her driver's license, she handed the officer the window sticker showing the price of the car. When asked again, she searched the glove box and handed over a copy of the same information saying "I think that is what you need." She at first said she had one glass of wine about 7 hours earlier. When told she still smelled of alcohol, she admitted having three wines after dinner and a beer. Her BAC was 0.18.

"The price is wrong, bitch!"

A 43-year-old man reported his neighbor, a 52-year-old man, called him a derogatory name and "flipped him the bird" in the 9100 block of West Elm Court about 10:30 a.m. April 27. The neighbor admitted to "flipping him the bird" after the 43-year-old began "staring him down." Police advised both men to avoid contact with each other.

Isn't "flipping the bird" the most natural response when someone is "staring you down"?

A resident reported finding what appeared to be an "established drug site" near Highland and Fieldwood roads at 4:40 p.m. April 21. Police found what appeared to be a former campsite surrounded by bicycle tracks. Also found was a homemade bong.

Bicycles, people. They had BICYCLES!! THE HORROR!!!


So that's it for this week, kids. If you're having a bad week, just remember that you aren't one of these people. (Unless you are one of these people, in which case, sorry about that. But c'mon. It's kind of funny, right? Right??)

I'm So Vain, I Probably Think This Blog Is About Me

I'm 28 and I'm going gray.

For the past few years, I'd occasionally notice a white hair (which, when you have dark brown hair, sticks out like a heathen on Good Friday - why yes, I'll take the biggest, juiciest steak you have! Fish? God, no. I don't want fish...). I'd pull it and be done with it. No harm, no foul. But lately, there are more. And more. And more! I can't keep up.

And truth be told, the problem isn't truly vanity. No, the problem is my OCD. When I catch a glimpse of a white hair, I have to hunt it down. It becomes my sole mission to find that hair and yank it out. But I can't stop there. White hairs are like deer and cop cars; where there's one, there are more. So then I go searching for others to pull. If I didn't have something else to do, or didn't consciously tell myself to walk away, I'd stand in front of the bathroom mirror until every damn one of them was gone. If I wasn't on my pills, I wouldn't be able to control myself at all.

Hubby hates that I do it (probably because I chastise him for similar things), and I know it's unhealthy, but they keep coming. The only option I can really see to prevent it from happening is to start dying my hair. When I was a teen, you couldn't stop me from dying my hair. Black, red, pink, orange, blonde... my poor hair must have had an identity crisis. These days... I really, really don't want to. I actually like the color of my hair (minus the little white bastards), and I hate the idea of being resigned to dying my hair for the rest of my life. (As I told Hubby, "I'm too young to dye!")

I am trying to work on letting it go. Just because I can see it there, doesn't mean it has to come out, right? Deep breaths. Re-focus on something healthy. Move along. Easier said than done. Keep trying.

If anyone out there has any techniques or ideas to offer, I'm all ears. Otherwise, I'll just keep fighting the good fight. For now.

I may regret this...

But I feel like I can't concentrate on anything until I get my feelings out. Eh, who reads this anyway, right?

What's happening in CT is terrible. No, it goes so far beyond terrible that I'm pretty sure a word doesn't exist that adequately describes it. I know that the reports of how many are dead or wounded are all over the board right now, but it doesn't matter. The shooting itself is deplorable and makes this a tragedy. If one child loses a parent or teacher, or one parent loses a child, it's no less tragic than 27 dead (or 14 or 3 or whatever the final count comes to).

That being said, I keep seeing people who are screaming for gun control, declaring that guns should be abolished completely. I love that idea, I really do. I am NOT a gun person. Hubby has one that he keeps in the bedroom; does NOT make me a happy Riki. But really? In what world do you realistically see guns being done away with completely?

Make guns illegal? Sure. Because that works so well for drugs. And stealing. And hate crimes. And murder. These things are all illegal, and all still plague not just this country, but the world.

Get rid of guns all together? OK. Because prohibition worked so well for getting rid of booze. Even if we convinced the rest of the world to join us (which is terribly unlikely), I would imagine it would just create a more aggressive black market for weapons.

Do I think that guns should be handed out to everyone and their mother? Good god, no. Handing everyone a gun is the only thing I can think of that might be worse than getting rid of them all. There have been studies done that show that the mere presence of guns can make people think and/or act more aggressively. Giving guns to people who are already aggressive might make them that much more likely to act on their aggression and then we end up with more of these incidents. No thank you.

To own a gun, I think people should have to go through lots and lots of training, get background checks, be registered, etc. I know that there is no possible way to make sure that everyone who has a gun is OK to have a gun, even with regulations like 3-day waiting periods and certification for concealed carry. People who are responsible for these shootings are not at all well. They could have rage issues, mental illness, or any number of things, but they are not well. And since no one seems to see the shootings coming, these people were apparently able to hide that fact from others, so I'd imagine they could get a gun without anyone blinking twice.

What is the answer, then? I haven't a damn idea. I am as lost as I could possibly be. It's a scary world, but being over-reactive is not going to make anything better. At the same time, neither is complacency. So I've got nothing.

I know these thoughts aren't well organized, but that's kind of where I'm at right now. My brain's trying to sort out how I feel and what is going on. I'm struggling with it. And to top it all off, I have to get back to studying for finals. 

Come on, brain. Let's go look at some puppies and rainbows.

And so it ends

November, that is. So here we go.

Nov. 26 - I was thankful for...

Hot water.

It seems obvious, but sometimes I forget how lovely hot water can truly be. When it's cold out, and you get in the shower and it feels like a liquid blanket is covering you and you lose track of time and space for a bit... yeah, I love that. 

Nov. 27 - I was thankful for...

My camera.

During the school year, I don't get to play with my camera as much as I'd like, which blows. Hard. But, when I do have time for it, my camera becomes a part of me. If my house was on fire, and I could only save one thing (assuming Maxine was able to get out, or Hubby got her), I'd probably grab my camera (and/or my wedding and engagement rings, assuming I wasn't wearing them). I know it can be replaced, but when it's not around, I feel lost. Even if I don't have a lot of time to use it, I like to know it's there when I have the time. It's like my security blanket with a lens. And I'm definitely thankful for that.

Nov. 28 - I was thankful for...

Comedy/Humor.

If you know me, you know I can have a dry, somewhat twisted sense of humor at times. Or most of the time. Whatever. The point is, I love humor. I love to laugh. I love witty banter and a sharp tongue. I love randomness. I love puns. I love slapstick. I just love it all, from the (mostly) innocent humor of Disney to the wildly inappropriate slams on Tosh.0.

If you've checked out my "That's Entertainment!" page, then you know that I love comedy and comedians, too. I've seen Second City, Capitol Steps, Daniel Tosh, Jeff Dunham, Bill Cosby and the Henson Alternative, and next on my wish list are Gabriel Iglesias (Fluffy) and Lewis Black. I just can't get enough! Laughter is, of course, the best medicine, and for that I'm thankful.

Nov. 29 - I was thankful for...

Delivery.

Sometimes, it's just nice to have your food brought straight to you. Yesterday we found out we won one of the 2 million free Papa John's pizzas, and since we were a bit low on funds (today is payday; woohoo!), we decided it was a sign. We felt bad about just ordering a free pizza, though, so we got some cheese sticks and Mountain Dew to go with it. It took forever to get here, but I figure that's the tradeoff we sometimes make so that we don't have to go out in search of food, leaving the warmth and comfort of our house. 

Whether it's JJ's, pizza, Chinese, or whatever, I love having food delivered. We don't do it frequently, so it's a bit of a treat when food comes to me, instead of me going to it (or me/us having to prepare it). Paper plates and TV trays may not be classy, but there's something satisfying about it anyway. Plus, no dishes to clean. Booya. Definitely thankful for that (as I'm sure Hubby is, too)! 

Nov. 30 - I am thankful for...

Me.

I guess that might sound weird, but I'm coming to like the person that I am. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I still get self conscious pretty easily, but I'm smart and fun, and I'm a fairly capable person when it comes to my job, school, or whatever I really set my mind to. I've struggled a lot with self-esteem issues, so to finally be settling in and accepting who I am is sort of a big deal for me. And it feels a lot better than disliking myself or trying to constantly change to be what I think I should be. I'm thankful for that, and for everyone and everything who has helped me get here. 

So, there you have it. 30 days of things I'm thankful for. Phew! :)

What's Done is Done

The Wisconsin recall elections are over.  Finally.  

And now, I have some things to say.

First - I didn't vote yesterday.  Nope.  Not the first time, probably not the last time.  

My reasons were different this time around.  Rather than feeling under informed, I felt like I'd been beaten to death with information: facts stated as opinions, opinions stated as facts, and mud-slinging to boot.  From both sides.  It was sickening.

Don't get me wrong.  I tried.  I really, honestly tried to take a side.  It felt like as soon as I was close to making a decision, something new came to light that made me back off and rethink the whole damn thing.  In the end, I couldn't justify voting when I couldn't decide who to vote for.

I managed to remain fairly silent about the whole ordeal.  Many of my friends were dead-set on recalling Walker.  Others stood behind him the whole way.  I kept my mouth shut and stayed out of things.  Why?  Because I was scared.

These days, I'm normally not too afraid to share my opinions, especially on here.  But I took the coward's way out and am writing this post the day after the recall elections.  First, so no one could try to goad me into voting one way or the other.  It's over.  I didn't vote.  Let's move on.  Second, because I saw people lose friends over this insanity.  I saw debates that turned personal and cruel.  I felt like saying the "wrong" thing was going to turn my life into Hell, that I would lose the respect of people that I like or even love.

Quite honestly, I'm still scared.  As soon as I post this, it's out there.  It's beyond my control.  Once I've said it, I can't un-say it.  But I have to believe that my friends will respect and love me enough that they will see beyond this and just keep loving me for who I am.      

That being said...

To Walker supporters: You prevailed.  Congratulations.  Please, though, remember to be kind.  People in this state felt strongly enough to initiate a recall of the man you support.  Winning doesn't give you the right to gloat.  It doesn't mean you should talk down to anyone or feel superior in any way.  Be gracious.  It could have gone the other way; think about how you would like to be treated in that case.  Most of all, if you stand behind Walker, don't be surprised when certain people are shocked or even disgusted by your opinion, but do be respectful and be willing to defend what you believe in.   

To recall supporters:  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry that this happened, that you felt so strongly about something and it didn't work out.  I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt, let down, and angry.  But remember to be proud that you stood up for what you felt was right and stood against what you felt was wrong.  And like the Walker supporters, I ask you to remember that it could have gone the other way.  When your side loses, it's pretty easy to say that you would've been kinder about things (any good sports fan knows how this goes).  I'm not saying you have to take any bullying or that you should let anyone look down on you; no one should have to endure that.  Just remember that the tides will turn, and remember how this feels. 

To everyone: What's done is done.  I know damn near everyone has something to say about the results, and I truly believe you are all entitled to your opinions.  That's part of being human.  But don't shove it down someone's throat.  Don't rub anyone's face in your victory, and don't place blame on someone just because they think differently.  And please, don't throw away friends because they didn't vote the way you did or because they voice a different opinion.  If they're acting like a dick, then fine, only you can make that call.  But think twice before you do anything hasty.

There you have it.  It wasn't eloquent or spectacularly original, but it's me. <3             

Riki's History Part 4: Depressed & Desperate

Even after the past three entries, I know this one is going to be the worst.  I'm reliving some seriously messed up stuff and I honestly look back at my life and wonder how I let it get to that point.  The best I can do is try to learn from the past and keep moving forward.

So, when we left off, I was about to leave college for the second time and had met Shane.  Shane was a 19 year old guy I met online.  He was from Missouri, and we had a few things in common.  At college, I didn't date much (or really at all; I was seeing one girl for awhile, but nothing really came of it), so the attention I got online (AOL, baby... I'm that cool) made me feel special.  There were a few guys I IM'd with frequently, but Shane was my favorite.

After I had gone home, my parents insisted I get a job.  I half-heartedly looked, thinking I'd be back for the spring semester, but it wasn't to be.  For a couple of weeks, I lived with my best friend L and her family because I just couldn't take my own family anymore.  "You're breaking your mother's heart, you know," my dad told me.  I knew.  But at the time, I just needed to get out.  On top of this, I had stopped taking my anti-depressants.

The first time we talked on the phone (January 2005), Shane had told me he would sound funny, something about altering his voice.  It should've been a ginormous flag, but I just figured he was being goofy.  That's what we did!  We had fun and flirted and laughed.  Shortly thereafter, I finally got a part-time job.  A few weeks in, I bought my very first cell phone so I could talk to Shane any time I wanted.  By that summer, I was racking up some hefty phone bills (mostly because of texting).

I considered Shane my boyfriend.  I talked to him more than anyone else I knew, and we had such great conversations.  Most of the time.  Sometimes it felt like he wanted me to do nothing but sit around at home and talk to him or (in his absence) think about him or just do nothing.  One time that bothered me in particular was my 21st birthday.  He didn't want me to go out to drink, but there was no way I was missing out on hitting the bars for the first time.  Between texts and phone calls, he kept bugging me all night until I finally stopped responding.

A few times we had broken up (the first time having been a few weeks before my 21st birthday) and then gotten back together.  We were in love, and someday we would get to be together in person.  The drama kept mounting, though.  Hindsight, of course, is 20/20, and looking back, I can't believe how gullible I let myself be.  I believed all kinds of things. 

Want an example?  Once, I believed that he was at a water park and hit his head, giving him some form of amnesia.  I learned this through texts that were supposed to be from his friend telling me this, and warning me that Shane might not remember me.  I was devastated (K probably remembers this; we were over at D's for movie night, I think) and didn't know what to do.  Miraculously enough, everything ended up OK and Shane was fine.

Every day, every week it got harder and harder.  One day we'd be happy and all would be well.  The next we'd be fighting or breaking up and I'd be sure my life was over.  For awhile, we were "engaged" and were planning to get married in a few years.  I even started picking out dresses and rings online (it's the closest I ever got to dreaming of my wedding before I got engaged to Hubby).

For a year this all went on.  My friends thought I would be better off without him.  I know my parents thought so.  But he was the only person I was certain loved me at that point in my life.  I didn't get to go back to school that fall (I hadn't earned enough money for my parents to give the OK), and soon I found out that my sister (K) was moving across the country.  Nothing felt right except for Shane.

So, naturally, that's when my world came crashing down.

In November 2005, more than a year after I'd first "met" him, Shane called to say there was something important we had to talk about.  20-year-old Shane was in fact a 15-year-old girl (we'll call her Girl X).  Her parents had found out about how she had been lying to me (and them) and made her own up to things.  As I talked to her mom and things unraveled, everything started making sense.

The reason "Shane" was always at the local high school ("he" told me he worked there, but Girl X was really a student there).  All the times I heard people call her by her real name (a unisex name).  The extravagant stories meant to force us to break up because she couldn't simply do it.  The excuses for why we couldn't meet (because she wasn't who I thought), and the "altered" voice (in my defense, she had a very gender-neutral sounding voice over the phone). 

Girl X wasn't to contact me anymore, but she did.  She apologized and told me that she really did love me.  And being as depressed and desperate as I was, I kept talking to her because I loved her, too.  I don't care about gender (it's one of the perks to being bisexual, I guess).  A body is just a body; I was in love with the person inside and the body wasn't even a factor.  We secretly kept talking for a day or two until her dad found out.  At that point, it came down to this: Either I stopped contacting Girl X, or they were going to essentially flag me as a child predator and things would've gotten U-G-L-Y.  I opted for the former.

She kept trying, though.  I'd get texts, but I kept ignoring them.  Her or her friends would keep emailing me or IM'ing me.  Within a week, I changed my phone number.  I had blocked her on AOL, along with all her "friends."  At least once she tried to trick me into talking to her.  I had gotten an IM and was chatting with some guy when things started getting weird.  It dawned on me that it must've been her, and I said goodbye and blocked that name, too.  A few years later, I think she might have tried again, but I can't say for sure.  The last time I know I talked to her was 6 and a half years ago.  

This whole thing sounds insane.  I'm aware.  It's hard to believe that I didn't see the signs, right?  You only see what you want to see sometimes, and all I wanted was someone who loved me and made me feel worthwhile.  I sometimes suspected that maybe "Shane" was in high school, but I figured maybe he was a senior and just didn't want me to write him off as being too young.  Never did I suspect he was female, nor that she was only 15. 

At first, I missed her.  Terribly.  My best friend/sister was moving away, I'd lost the person I loved, and I was feeling utterly alone.  But as time went on, I realized that she had lied to me for a year, and instead of being sad, I was just plain old pissed off.  Mostly, I think, at myself for being so trusting, so blind to everything.  I was embarrassed and hurt, and I told very, very few people the truth about what happened.  Now you all know the truth.

My depression and low self-esteem can't take all of the blame for what happened, I know, but they played a pretty major role in things.  Had I been a happier, more confident person, I wouldn't have been spending my entire life online talking to strangers who (at least seemingly) accepted me without question.  I probably would have found more joy in the world around me, I might not have felt like the only way someone could love me was without having to be physically with me, and maybe I could have found happiness in loving myself instead of seeking someone else's love.