Bugs Are Gross.

I'm not really a girly girl.  Promise.  I have very little tolerance for the color pink.  I don't do lots of ruffles and fluff.  Until I had a place of my own, the only things I "cooked" were Kraft mac & cheese, frozen pizzas and toast.  And I'd rather play with toy trucks than I would with baby dolls.

But bugs and spiders are another story.  This is where my girliness really shines through.  OK, not all bugs are gross.  Ladybugs are cute (as long as they aren't those imposter Asian beetles that bite).  Caterpillars/Butterflies are beautiful and fun.  Lightning bugs are amazing!  I don't mind ants or roly-poly bugs.  And while they suck (literally and figuratively), mosquitoes only succeed in making me yell and itch.

There are two creepy crawlies that I really, truly cannot stand: spiders and silverfish.  

Spiders

I have been afraid of spiders since... Well, since I was born, probably.  I'm one of the most arachnophobic people you'll ever meet.  Once, when I was about 8 or 9, I saw a spider in my room.  I tried to get my dad to kill it, but before he got there, it was gone.  I slept on the couch in the family room for a few nights since I didn't know where it had gone, and I was NOT sleeping with a spider on the loose in such close quarters!  

When I was in my early twenties, I remember sitting on the couch downstairs when I saw a spider booking it across the floor.  I panicked.  I had no clue what to do.  It was headed toward my only escape route, and I was determined to live on the couch in order to avoid it.  I got talked into killing it myself, so I went to the fireplace (it was a safe enough distance from me at that point) and grabbed the little broom that gets kept there.  I got as close as I had to and beat the HELL out of that spider with my broom.  I then grabbed probably 10-15 tissues to pick it's squashed little body up and flushed it down the toilet.  

The very next night, I saw the same flippin' spider, hauling ass across the floor.  I thought I was having a "Groundhog Day" moment!  Repeat the scene from the previous night.  

Third night, SAME DAMN SPIDER.  Turns out there was a nest of those fuckers hiding in the wall and I was just seeing the same type of spider each night (which is only slightly better than a spider that comes back from the dead to haunt you each night).  Dad bombed it and I didn't have the problem again, but it was a less than pleasant experience.

Girl Scout camp actually taught me to deal with most spiders without too much flailing.  If they're on the ceiling or in a dark corner, I give them a name and talk to them a bit.  Ask them to leave before my hubby gets home (though, in all fairness, he hates spiders nearly as much as I do), lest there be consequences.  They never listen, but I keep trying.  If they're outside, I just walk away.  Outside is their domain, and I respect that.  Inside, though, all bets are off.

Silverfish

My first encounter with a silverfish was actually in college.  My college roomie and I had one scurry across our room one night, and I didn't know what the hell it was.  Some kind of small alien?  A science experiment gone terribly awry?  What the HELL kind of creature is that?!

I didn't see one again, I think, until we bought this house.  Since owning this house (not even 2 years yet), I have seen at least 6 of the bastards, and it scares me shitless every damn time.  The first time I saw one I was headed to the basement.  Now, I didn't grow up with a traditional basement (we had a finished lower level in a split ranch), so to this day, basements scare me a bit.  And as I was headed down there, I saw that same scurrying I had seen in college.  I bolted upstairs and didn't go into the basement for a few days.

The next time was while I was working.  I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when I saw movement.  Sure enough, there was a damn silverfish on the curtains.  A-hole.  I grabbed the vacuum, but by the time I got back, it was gone.  I kept the vacuum there for 3 days, just in case.

My most epic battle involving a silverfish had to be today.  I decided to do some laundry on my break, since Hubby and I are going camping this weekend.  I grabbed some stuff from his hamper, and then started grabbing clothes from my hamper when something moved.  I gasped, jumped back, and looked into the hamper.  A G-D silverfish was squirming around in there like it was his own personal pool or something.  I froze for a bit before picking up a shoe (a really nice dress shoe, at that) and hitting it.  I dropped the shoe in the hamper and ran.  

I plugged in the vacuum and got the extender attachment ready.  I used it to pick up my shoe (in case he had decided to infest it next) and, upon seeing it bug-free, put it back on the floor.  Then I used it to gently push my sock out of the way, and there he was.  Not yet dead, but definitely stunned by my hit.  It took two tries (the first time I nearly sucked up a pair of underroos), but I sucked the damn thing into the vacuum.  I left it running, to make sure he got good and sucked up, and then left the room.  The vacuum is still in the bedroom, there's a basket of clothes in the hall, and I'm not about to do anything about it until Hubby is home.  Eff that.

I haven't learned any tricks for dealing with those creeps yet.  They come out of nowhere and are gone just as quickly, but you just know they're waiting for the right time to show up again.  Nowhere is safe.  Nowhere.  Is.  Safe.    

Edit: I've just learned that what I'm encountering are called house centipedes, not actually silverfish.  They're still creepy and I still dislike them in my home.  That is all. 

Hump Day - Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

Or, in this case, with a Fucksaw.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I said fucksaw.

Imagine you're in class.  It's Human Sexuality, so you're bound to get some graphic details here and there, right?

Now imagine there's a naked woman in front of the class on whom a sex toy is being demonstrated.  Awkward!

I mean, even if that kind of thing floats your boat, how weird would the whole situation be?  Maybe if it was just you and the naked woman, sure.  Or even you, the naked woman and a third party (sharing is caring?).  But it's you, the naked woman, the demonstrator, a class full of other students, the professor, maybe a TA or two...  Yeah, any chance of that being anything less than exceedingly awkward went right out the window.

If nothing else, you'll never look at a saw the same again.
 

Hump Day - Doing The Robot

When someone suggests we "do the robot," I usually get prepared to head to the dance floor.  But more and more, it seems, people are heading to the bedroom.  That's right, I'm talking about sex robots.

According to the article, the demand for these robots is growing around the world.  Particularly in the UK.  I guess I'm not totally surprised that the US has carved out a niche in this market, but wouldn't you think Japan would've been the first choice for this?  Just saying. 

The most disturbing part of this to me isn't that people want sex robots that look like celebrities; that's a given (anyone else reminded of that episode of "Futurama" with the Lucy Liu bot?).  It's not that it can talk or fake an orgasm; any woman can do that.  It's not even that people think having a "relationship" with a robot is acceptable.

No, the most disturbing part to me is that these robots have human hair.  Whose hair is it?  Do they do a sex robot hair donation drive?  Do the manufacturers go to salons and ask for leftover hair?  

Also, why is it necessary?  Do some people actually wash or style the robot's hair as part of their fantasy?  Do you think most people would really care if the hair was synthetic?  I mean, really...  The whole idea just seems creepy.