But How Do You REALLY Feel?

I'm going to assume that most people have asked for reassurance at some point in their lives. Asking a friend if an outfit looks good. Asking a coworker to look over something for you. Asking someone to wish you luck. It's a nice feeling to know that someone else believes in us, no matter how trivial it might seem.

But wanting reassurance from time to time is a lot different than needing constant reassurance. You know that friend or acquaintance that's always asking people things like, "We're friends, right?" or "You're sure you like hanging out with me?" The person that seems to be forever fishing for compliments or positivity; talking about how terrible her singing voice is or how he'll never find a significant other. The person that you really did like once upon a time, but all of the negativity and neediness has just gotten to be too much and you're not as sure anymore.

Yep. That's me. I am that person.

Or maybe it was me. I like to think I've grown past some of that, but I do find myself with that itch for someone to tell me I'm doing a good job or that I'm as funny as I think I am. It's a hard habit to break. And it's a possible risk factor for depression.

Ru Paul is famous for saying, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?" This is more like, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell is anybody else gonna love you?" 

When you have low self-esteem, believing in yourself is pretty much impossible. Or at least it felt that way to me. So I went looking for other people to believe in me. And while I loved the reassurance and praise, the positive feelings I took away never lasted. I was constantly wondering if the reassurance had been genuine. Did they really mean it, or did they say it to be nice? And for that matter, do they even really like me or are they just putting up with me? How could I know for sure?

And so I kept asking. I'm sure to a lot of people it seemed like I was purely fishing for compliments, but it was beyond that. Pardon the cliche, but it's like an addiction in some ways. You go looking for the reassurance. You get some and it feels good. So good! But only for awhile. Then you come down and you feel worse than you did before. You need MORE reassurance. So you go looking for more, and the cycle repeats. 

At a certain point, your questions become ridiculous. Even after someone has reassured you, you ask, "Are you sure? Is that how you REALLY feel?" And my bet is that gets old REALLY fast. Logic told me that if people were willingly hanging out with me, they were friends. If they confided in me, shared things with me, they were good friends. Maybe even best friends. But depression kicks logic to the curb. I would start wondering if particular friends really liked me, or if it was something else. Convenience, maybe. Or just being nice. Or maybe they needed or wanted something from me (though, I couldn't imagine what, since I thought I had nothing to offer). I thought K (yes, my "sister") was only my friend because we've known each other my whole life. I thought Bestie was just being nice to me. Hell, I even thought Hubby was just trying to be a nice guy and cheer me up when we first started dating.

Even now I struggle from time to time. It's impossible to know exactly how someone else feels about you; you can't read minds (much as you might try). Some people are going to lie or sugarcoat things. But for the most part, if you consider someone a good friend and you genuinely like them, there's a good chance the feeling is mutual. I know that my sister doesn't just put up with me. I know that Bestie is one of the best friends I've ever had. And I know that Hubby loves me to no end. I know this because it's how I feel about them. And unless they ever give me a reason to doubt that, I'm going to choose to keep believing it.

So piggybacking on my last post, if you know a habitual reassurance-seeker (or if you are one), don't assume they're just attention whores. Some of them are. It happens. But if you see some other potential symptoms of depression or low self-esteem, they may just need to be reminded that they ARE worth something. And they might need a nudge, push, or shove toward a long-term fix. You can't be there to reassure them 100% of the time, but you can be a friend 100% of the time. 

And so it ends

November, that is. So here we go.

Nov. 26 - I was thankful for...

Hot water.

It seems obvious, but sometimes I forget how lovely hot water can truly be. When it's cold out, and you get in the shower and it feels like a liquid blanket is covering you and you lose track of time and space for a bit... yeah, I love that. 

Nov. 27 - I was thankful for...

My camera.

During the school year, I don't get to play with my camera as much as I'd like, which blows. Hard. But, when I do have time for it, my camera becomes a part of me. If my house was on fire, and I could only save one thing (assuming Maxine was able to get out, or Hubby got her), I'd probably grab my camera (and/or my wedding and engagement rings, assuming I wasn't wearing them). I know it can be replaced, but when it's not around, I feel lost. Even if I don't have a lot of time to use it, I like to know it's there when I have the time. It's like my security blanket with a lens. And I'm definitely thankful for that.

Nov. 28 - I was thankful for...

Comedy/Humor.

If you know me, you know I can have a dry, somewhat twisted sense of humor at times. Or most of the time. Whatever. The point is, I love humor. I love to laugh. I love witty banter and a sharp tongue. I love randomness. I love puns. I love slapstick. I just love it all, from the (mostly) innocent humor of Disney to the wildly inappropriate slams on Tosh.0.

If you've checked out my "That's Entertainment!" page, then you know that I love comedy and comedians, too. I've seen Second City, Capitol Steps, Daniel Tosh, Jeff Dunham, Bill Cosby and the Henson Alternative, and next on my wish list are Gabriel Iglesias (Fluffy) and Lewis Black. I just can't get enough! Laughter is, of course, the best medicine, and for that I'm thankful.

Nov. 29 - I was thankful for...

Delivery.

Sometimes, it's just nice to have your food brought straight to you. Yesterday we found out we won one of the 2 million free Papa John's pizzas, and since we were a bit low on funds (today is payday; woohoo!), we decided it was a sign. We felt bad about just ordering a free pizza, though, so we got some cheese sticks and Mountain Dew to go with it. It took forever to get here, but I figure that's the tradeoff we sometimes make so that we don't have to go out in search of food, leaving the warmth and comfort of our house. 

Whether it's JJ's, pizza, Chinese, or whatever, I love having food delivered. We don't do it frequently, so it's a bit of a treat when food comes to me, instead of me going to it (or me/us having to prepare it). Paper plates and TV trays may not be classy, but there's something satisfying about it anyway. Plus, no dishes to clean. Booya. Definitely thankful for that (as I'm sure Hubby is, too)! 

Nov. 30 - I am thankful for...

Me.

I guess that might sound weird, but I'm coming to like the person that I am. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I still get self conscious pretty easily, but I'm smart and fun, and I'm a fairly capable person when it comes to my job, school, or whatever I really set my mind to. I've struggled a lot with self-esteem issues, so to finally be settling in and accepting who I am is sort of a big deal for me. And it feels a lot better than disliking myself or trying to constantly change to be what I think I should be. I'm thankful for that, and for everyone and everything who has helped me get here. 

So, there you have it. 30 days of things I'm thankful for. Phew! :)