Crime Time: Girls Just Want to Be Dumb

So this is clearly turning into a Thursday post. Sorry about that, but some of the reports aren't updated until sometime on Wednesday. 

Anywhoozles, here we go! 

Some of this week's best come to us from some very special ladies...

A woman, age and residence not released, was arrested for fraud after attempting to have a fraudulent prescription filled at Walgreens, 6020 W. Brown Deer Road, at 9 p.m. May 23. She said the prescription for Promethazine with codeine cough syrup was for her nephew. This cough syrup is often mixed with Mountain Dew or Sprite to make "Purple Drank" a drink that causes people to get high. 

Your nephew. Right. Seems legit.

A woman, age and residence not released, was arrested for disorderly conduct after yelling and using profanities at Great Clips, 8689 N. Port Washington Road, at 4:50 p.m. May 23. The woman was angry, she said, because she couldn't get "a perm." She frightened other customers and two young children who were in the salon. She drove away but was stopped.  

Honestly, they were just trying to save her from herself...  

A woman, age and residence not released, was arrested for disorderly conduct after yelling and using profanities while in the drive-thru and inside McDonald's, 8737 N. Port Washington Road, at 2 p.m. May 26. The woman was in the drive-thru while on the phone and when asked either to order or move on yelled "Shut the (expletive) up" to the employee. She then parked her car and went inside where she continued yelling. When another employee asked her to be quiet she said, "I'm a grown person and can speak how I (expletive) want."

What the (expletive), man? This is a grown (expletive) person! How dare you ask her to be quiet, you (expletive)!

A woman, age and residence not released, was cited for disorderly conduct in the 1100 block of East Capitol Drive at 10:15 p.m. May 26. The woman, riding her bicycle on the sidewalk, stopped and started yelling profanities and making obscene gestures.

While it was probably the profanity and obscene gestures that did her in, I think Hubby might argue that worst part of this crime was that she was riding on the sidewalk.

An officer who pulled a vehicle over after observing it had only three functioning tires and was smoking from under the hood arrested the female driver for drunken driving on Main Street and Pilgrim Road at 4:22 a.m. May 29. After taking the woman into custody, the officer found two lorazepam tablets in her possession and she was also arrested for possession of illegally obtained prescription medication. Her blood alcohol content was unavailable.

All kinds of special. ALL kinds.

Now, don't worry, fellas. We've got some for you, too!

A man, age and residence not released, was arrested for disorderly conduct after yelling profanities inside Kopp's, 5373 N. Port Washington Road, at 4:30 p.m. June 1. The man became angry when he tried to order a shake and was told he had to get into another line. He then yelled and screamed with children present and also threatened an employee. He fled on a motor scooter but was stopped telling police he had "anger issues."  

Though they seem fun, and it might sound like a good idea at the time, remember that motor scooters don't make good getaway vehicles. (Though in his defense, if I'd already stood in line and then got told I had to stand in another line just to get my damn shake, I'd be pretty pissed off, too.)

Two unidentified people took several bushes from Aldi, 4615 W. Layton Ave., on May 28 and drove off.

Two weeks ago it was trees and dirt. Last week it was gardening tools. Now it's bushes. Someone's going to have a lovely evil lair when all is said and done!  

A man was arrested for aggravated battery at a home in the 7200 block of South Shepard Avenue after he threw a pair of grass shears at a woman, causing a 2.5-inch cut on her left wrist and a 1-inch cut on her left thumb that required stitches at 8:40 a.m. May 27. The man was angry because the woman told him to clean up food he had left on a patio deck.  

That's a totally normal reaction, right? No? Shit... I've been going about things all wrong then!

A resident at an apartment building at 2613 University Drive called police at 4:47 p.m. May 29 to say his neighbor took his dog's feces from the woods near the complex and put it on his doorstep with a note stating clean up after your dog. The caller said he feels he does not need to clean up the feces because he hasn't for three years and thinks his neighbor is harassing him. Police advised him he does need to clean up after his dog. The neighbor was advised on leaving feces and profane notes.

Admitting you haven't been cleaning up your dog's shit for the past 3 years isn't the best way to start your defense. Honesty is a good policy, but silence is also golden... 

And my favorite one this week: 

A resident reported that a couch she had put outside her home for anyone to take was sitting in Greenlawn Park, in the 7700 block of South Howell Avenue, at 12:50 p.m. May 26. An officer spoke to a man who was sleeping on the couch, who said he didn't think anyone wanted the couch and decided to take it to the park to take a nap. The couch was moved back to the residence so it could be picked up by the Street Department.

It was there for the taking! No one specified WHERE to take it, right? The guy wanted a nap and there was a free couch; who wouldn't take advantage of that sweet deal?!

Wednesday Crime Time: Gone to the Animals

Happy Hump Day! Here we go!

A Shorewood man, age not released, was warned for dogs at large after a woman called police to report his two schnauzers "came at her" as she walked in the 4500 block of North Wilson Drive at 1 p.m. May 7. She told him his dogs should be on a leash and he told her, "You need to be on a leash." He later apologized. 

Personally, I'd like to give him a high five for that quick retort, though I feel like he completely missed a golden opportunity to call her a bitch. (It's a dog joke, son.)

A woman, age and residence not released, was arrested for drunken driving, with a prior conviction, illegal possession of a Schedule II narcotic, driving with a revoked license, defective tail lights, defective brake lights, failure to have insurance and open intoxicants after weaving in traffic in the 4800 block of North Sheffield Avenue about 2:45 a.m. May 7. The woman had three Adderall pills in her purse which she said weren't hers. She admitted knowing her license was revoked. Her BAC was 0.12.

On the plus side... Nope. I got nothin'. 

A 32-year-old Brookfield man was cited for littering after he illegally dumped seven large, empty boxes in the trash at Applebee's, 20101 W. Bluemound Road, before 3:30 p.m. May 4.  

He could have at least dumped them in the recycling bin. Save the planet, dude.

Three men, at least one of them carrying a handgun, robbed Kentucky Fried Chicken, 6311 S. 27th St., at 10 p.m. May 10. The men, two wearing bandanas and one wearing a monkey mask, fled the store on foot with an undisclosed amount of money. Police are investigating.

See, this is what happens when the man in the yellow hat is replaced with two men in bandanas: Curious George Robs a KFC. 

A caller reported two cows running in the road in the 9000 block of West County Line Road about 1:30 p.m. May 11. Police made contact with the owner of the cows, who retrieved them.

I know there's a "Why did the cows cross the road?" joke in here somewhere... In the mean time, anyone who is still partying must immediately stop; the cows have come home.

A staff member at Kindred Transitional Care and Rehab, 5700 W. Layton Ave., called police after two patients began arguing at dinner and one of them threw a sandwich at 7:40 p.m. May 8. 

There are nicer ways of sending your order back that don't result in the police showing up, but where's the fun in that?

About $1 in change was stolen from a home and a television set was disconnected but not stolen during a residential burglary. The back door was forced open, and witnesses said they saw two vehicles in the driveway of the home between 7:30 and 8 p.m. May 4. The home is uninhabited. The location of this burglary was redacted by police.

Worst. Burglars. Ever.


"Man robs Wade gas station of cash, bread and bag of pork skins." 

This one was sent to me for special inclusion in Crime Time from a friend/reader. You can check out the story here, but the headline pretty much says it all. I hope those pork skins were worth it, dirt bag! You are a MENACE to the pork product industry and we will not stand for this injustice!! I mean, what's next? Bacon? Oh NO you do not!!

And now a couple to make you feel a little warm and fuzzy (and possibly restore some of your faith in humanity... but probably not).
 
An officer was flagged down by a bicyclist in the median at 27th Street and Sycamore Avenue to assist a duck and her ducklings across the street at 12:50 p.m. May 1. The officer helped move the ducks to a pond.

Police received a call for assistance about 2:25 p.m. May 11 after a mother duck and her ducklings got stuck in a median while attempting to cross the road in the 7500 block of West Rawson Avenue. The ducks were no longer in the area when an officer arrived.

A resident called police to report a duckling fell into a sewer near the pond behind Pick 'n Save on Sylvan Circle and Squire Drive at 6:55 p.m. May 11. The duckling was removed from the sewer and reunited with ducks that were waiting near the scene.

Poor Maxine McPupperkins or Why My Dog May Never Trust Again

Well, my dears, 2012 has started off less than spectacularly.  

On or just after Christmas, I noticed a tickle in my throat.  For the next week, I'd wake up in the morning with a little pain as well.  Nothing too bad and it went away after breakfast, so whatever.  Just around the 2nd of the month, I started having random coughs.  Then by the 4th, I had some sniffles.  I begged this cold to just manifest itself so we could all move on with our lives.  

Careful what you wish for.  On the 6th, it started going downhill, and I spent the majority of my weekend miserable and/or asleep.  Then, I woke up this morning feeling so shitty, I had to call in sick.  I work from home, so you know it's bad when I have to call in.  I couldn't focus on anything, I was barely coherent, and I'm reasonably certain that even if I managed to function enough to survive the workday, I would probably have to re-do a good portion of it tomorrow anyway (you know, so it would actually make sense).

But enough about me.  This post is primarily about my poor puppers.  As a warning, things are going to get a little gross.  If you don't want to read on, I totally understand.  If you read the rest of this, and then say, "Oh, man!  WTF, Erika?" just remember that you have no one to blame but yourself.

My dog has a hole in her butt.

OK, that seems obvious, but it's not.  Let me rephrase.  My dog has an EXTRA hole in her butt.  Better?

On Thursday the 5th I was giving Maxi her monthly meds (heartworm pill and flea/tick application).  To do the flea/tick stuff, I always sit on the couch, turn her around so her back is to me, and apply the stuff.  (For anyone who doesn't know, this type of flea and tick repellent has to be applied along her back, from her neck down to where her tail meets her body.)  It can take awhile sometimes, depending on how long ago she last visited the groomer's.  She's fairly fluffy right now, but it wasn't too bad.

Anywhoozles, I had noticed her looking a little uncomfortable earlier, and, trying to be a good puppy mama, I lifted up her tail to check out her bum.  Many people are unaware, but dogs (and some other mammals) have these little sacs/glands near their anus.  The cliff's note version goes something like this: 

Dogs produce a secretion that tells other dogs who they are, what they are, etc (thus the whole bum-sniffing ritual).  This same secretion can also be used to mark their territory, warning other dogs to back off.  This secretion comes from the anal glands, which usually empty when a dog does his or her business, but can also empty randomly (like, if the dog's super stressed).  

Unfortunately, sometimes the glands don't empty themselves.  At the very first vet appointment after we adopted Maxine, the vet expressed Maxi's glands for her.  The smell is putrid.  I can't even liken it to anything.  If you've never smelled it, count your lucky stars.  Anyway, that was back in late 2009, and hadn't been an issue since.

Until last week, when I was looking at her bum going, "Huh...  It looks swollen."  So, I told Hubby to make a vet appointment for us asap.  He wasn't working on Friday, so he made her an appointment for the afternoon.  Excellent.  I knew she'd need to be expressed, and I was fairly relieved I wouldn't have to be there.  

After work, it's almost impossible to do anything without letting Maxine out first.  Thursday wasn't like that.  "Outside?" I asked her.  Nothing.  Not good.  "Outside, Maxine?"  She managed to get up and out of her crate, but then scooted her butt all the way from her crate to the kitchen.  This isn't a long distance, mind you, but she has to do a u-turn in the process, so it's a few feet.  She wouldn't listen to me when I told her no, so, fine.  Away we went.  

When she came inside, I decided to be extra careful and I cleaned her up with a baby wipe (she had been getting a rash in the fall, and the vet had suggested baby wipes, so, why not?).  And then I freaked out.  There was blood on the wipe.  I ran to my computer and left Hubby a message.  Then I called him and left a voicemail.  THEN I texted him and left ANOTHER message.  Yes, this was a full-on Riki freakout.    

To Google I went, looking up everything I could possibly think of, reading every page I could find.  Best I could tell, she had an abscess that had burst, but that didn't make me feel any better.  Called Hubby again and finally got a hold of him.  He called the vet and we rescheduled for that evening, just about an hour from our call.  So, I got dressed, poured Maxi some dinner, and waited.  She wouldn't eat.  I tried hand feeding her, and she wouldn't take anything.  Uggggggh.  I was scared out of my mind.

When we finally got to the vet, they tried to tempt her with some canned food (Maxine gets dry food at home) as a treat, but she was completely uninterested.  In fact, she actually turned away from it.  She always takes treats, even at the vet, so this was a new concept for us.  Maxi not hungry?  What?

The vet confirmed my suspicion of an abscess resulting from an impacted anal gland, and walked us through what that meant and what we would have to do to take care of her.  Essentially, all that fluid builds up in the sac, and if it isn't released in the normal way, it finds another way: it bursts through the skin.  Thus, my puppers has an extra hole in her butt.  For now, anyway.

Twice a day we have to give her meds and apply ointment in the hole.  Yep.  In it.  Not on it.  IN it.  Assuming it heals properly, we should be done with this in about a week or so.  But if it doesn't heal properly, we're SOL and we get to start the whole thing over again.  Joy.

On the plus side, the vet did say that we were lucky it burst today.  If it hadn't, the only option would've been to put her under and lance it, which would've been way more expensive than just the shot and meds.  I guess that's good, right?  He also said it was really good that we got her in that night, so thank goodness for an awesome hubby and an awesome vet!  

As soon as we got home, she ate her dinner.  Vet said she probably just didn't want to eat because of the pain (and a mild fever), and I don't blame her, but I was so glad she had her appetite back so quickly.  She's still not back to her normal, playful self, but she seems to be getting better every day (or, so we hope).  Sure, there are some blood stains in the back seat of my car (you should've seen the splattering she did at the vet's office!) and on some towels and her sofa bed, but it's a small price to pay for her to feel better.

So, now that you've made it through that lovely story, here's hoping that 2012 gets better in a jiffy! :)

Hump Day - Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

Or, in this case, with a Fucksaw.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I said fucksaw.

Imagine you're in class.  It's Human Sexuality, so you're bound to get some graphic details here and there, right?

Now imagine there's a naked woman in front of the class on whom a sex toy is being demonstrated.  Awkward!

I mean, even if that kind of thing floats your boat, how weird would the whole situation be?  Maybe if it was just you and the naked woman, sure.  Or even you, the naked woman and a third party (sharing is caring?).  But it's you, the naked woman, the demonstrator, a class full of other students, the professor, maybe a TA or two...  Yeah, any chance of that being anything less than exceedingly awkward went right out the window.

If nothing else, you'll never look at a saw the same again.
 

Moronic Monday - If I Could Walk That Way...

"I wouldn't need the talcum powder."

Though, in this gentleman's case, I think he'll need more than talcum powder.  Ice.  Maybe some ibuprofen.  Probably some alcohol to ease the pain and embarrassment.

If you're going to be acting dumb, I suggest you don't do it near exercise machines, especially if they're on.  However, if you decide to do it anyway, make sure someone has a camera so the rest of us can relive it and feel better about ourselves.

It just never gets old.

Moronic Monday - Congrats! You Made The News...

In many of these cases, however, I think most of us would want to avoid the spotlight.  In fact, someone else can gladly have my 15 minutes of fame...

Although they aren't all moronic, many of them are.  And the rest are just plain amusing.

My favorite?

"LAKE BLUFF, Feb. 27 -- A resident of the 500 block of Shore Acres took two days to report finding a 6-foot concrete ostrich on his front porch."

Um...  To whom, exactly, does one report a giant concrete bird?  And what is the standard time-frame for doing so?  I'm not sure I actually would report it.  I think I'd keep it there and track how long it takes for someone to contact ME about it.  And if nothing else, I'd decorate it for the holidays.   

P.S.  The cookies ultimately failed and fell back into their natural state of goo.  Sad.

Cookie Update

Ok, the meringue cookies seem to be hardening as the day goes on.  My hope is that by the end of the day, we can eat them more like cookies and less like pudding.

That is all.

Hump Day - I Have A Vibrator & I'm Not Afraid To Use It!

So, according to this article, a 56-year-old woman had herself a dine and dash evening at the local crab shack, and when the police came her her home, she threatened to assault them with - I kid you not - a sex toy.  

Allow me to point out just why I find this so hilarious.

1) This happened in Gurnee, IL.  Anything that happens in Illinois just makes me laugh.

2) A woman in her mid-50's felt the need to skip out on a bill at Joe's Crab Shack.  Really, lady?

3) They won't identify the actual sex toy used to threaten the cops.  This has led to some fantastic comments on the story, among my favorites being, "The policeman refuses to identify the JoyToy. Her lawyers claims it was assault with a friendly weapon."  

4) They actually charged her with a PUI - Pedestrian Under the Influence.  (Ok, this may be more sad than funny.. or maybe just tragically funny?  Either way, worth pointing out.)

5) This actually happened.  Think about that for a second.  This.  Actually.  Happened. 

Moronic Monday - Warning!

Yes, I know, I missed Moronic Monday again.  Sue me.  

Or, just enjoy this Tuesday edition, chock full of warning signs made for the terminally stupid.  If you find yourself reading them and going, "Uh, duh?" or "Who the hell would do that?!" just remember...  Someone did it.  That's why the warning is there.

Hope you're feeling smarter already! :-)