Crime Time: S-M-R-T

Because of the long weekend, some of the reports are still behind, so forgive me if this week's post is a little lacking.

A car with two passengers and Hello Kitty stickers on the back windows was observed pulling up and taking mail from a mailbox in the 17000 block of Martha Drive at 11:16 a.m. May 21.

Damn that Hello Kitty! She's clearly a bad influence.

Gardening tools and gloves were stolen from an open garage in the 3700 block of West Dory Drive between 1:45 p.m. and 3 p.m. May 20.

At least they were smart enough to steal the gloves, too. Clearly they have some serious gardening to get done!

Police are seeking a 33-year-old woman who shoplifted a total of $54 worth of groceries at Pick 'n Save, 7780 S. Lovers Lane Road, on three separate occasions between April 23 and May 4. The suspect was identified by her Advantage Card, which she swiped in the self-checkout lanes during each incident.

As a general rule, if you're planning to steal shit, you probably don't need to use your savings card.

Two 69-year-old Franklin men were arrested for disorderly conduct after they had a physical altercation in the 6800 block of South 109th Street at about 11 a.m. May 21. One of the men struck the other in the face with binoculars, and a scuffle ensued, resulting in both men sustaining minor injuries.

This sounds like an awesome sitcom waiting to happen. FOX, I'm looking at you...

A resident in the 5300 block of South 43rd Street called police at 12:10 p.m. May 24 to report she saw a bobcat in her yard during the past several nights. Police responded and saw no evidence of a bobcat in the resident's yard.

I live right around here, and the only bobcat you're likely to see is this kind. (Or possibly this kind, but even that's a long-shot.)

An officer who stopped to assist a disabled vehicle at 108th Street and Edgerton Avenue at 6:30 a.m. May 25 discovered the vehicle was not disabled but that the driver had stopped her car because she was deathly afraid of spiders and believed one was crawling on her hand. The officer assisted the driver by checking for spiders in the vehicle and she was sent on her way.

This sounds like something I would do. Actually, funny/true story for you all. When Hubby and I first started hanging out, we were driving around when a spider dropped down near him. He flipped his shit a little (who wouldn't?) and flung it out the window as fast as he could. That's when I knew I liked him. :)

A 21-year-old Palmyra man was arrested for drunken driving, possession of drug paraphernalia, open intoxicants, suspended registration, not carrying a driver's license, failure to have insurance and unsafe lane deviation in the 14400 block of Interstate 43 at 6:10 a.m. May 19. The man failed to stop for more than 10 minutes while he was followed by a squad car. An open bottle of rum was found in the car along with a pipe and jar both with marijuana residue and an orange pill which is being tested. The man, who admitted the marijuana and paraphernalia were his, said he was "just a pot head." He also told police he had just purchased the pipe and asked if he could have it back. His blood alcohol content was 0.14.

Telling the cops you're "just a pot head" is probably not the best defense after you've been driving under the influence without your license or insurance (and while having a suspended registration), but points for the attempt to get the newly purchased pipe back. I mean, it's never gonna happen, but I like the effort. Go big or go to jail. Or both.

A 76 year-old man and a 73-old woman both of Mequon were cited for disorderly conduct at an apartment complex in the 10800 block of North Port Washington Road about noon May 22. The man said the woman insulted him, saying he needed a bath and should cut his dog's toenails. The woman said he pushed and grabbed her. After they were cited, they were told not to talk to each other. However, later that day about 5 p.m. the man reportedly spoke to the woman and was issued another citation.

Telling someone they need a bath is a legitimate insult, but that his dog's toenails needed to be cut? Leave the dog out of this, ma'am. 

Officers responded to Mainstay Suites, 1001 W. College Ave., after the front desk clerk reported there was a woman in the parking lot who was too drunk to walk at 4:55 a.m. May 18. While officers were enroute to the hotel, the clerk called back and stated that a man just wheeled the woman through the lobby on a luggage cart and went into the elevator. An officer spoke to the man, who stated the woman was too heavy to lift without assistance, so he used a luggage trolley to take her back to the room. The man also told police he had taken the woman to senior prom in 1964 and was reuniting with her for the weekend.

Awww, how... sweet?

Police were dispatched to 725 American Ave. at 3:58 p.m. May 21 on a report of a suspicious package in the parking structure. It turned out to be an abandoned coffeemaker.

Yep. That happened. *facepalm*

A woman called police after someone tried using her debit card in Israel on May 13. She gave her information to set up what she thought would be a new AOL account but was on a site posing as AOL.

"New" and "AOL" shouldn't appear in any sentence together. At least, not since 1995.