Election Day Thoughts

Well, here we are. Election Day at last. Seems like it took FOREVER, right? 

No stickers for absentee voters.
I'm pretending this is mine.

Today, "I Voted" stickers will cover the country (or, at minimum, Susan B. Anthony's grave site), social media will take one last look at Ken Bone and his charming red sweater, and we the people will elect the next U.S. president. It's kind of a big deal.

As I've definitely made known, I voted for Gary Johnson. I've explained why I'm voting for him, but one thing I haven't really mentioned is this: I know he won't win. 

I'm not delusional. I've known from the very start that Gary had less than a snowball's chance in Haiti of becoming our next president*. And yet, I voted for him. Proudly so, I might add. 

Do you like your mom's posts
with that finger?

I voted for Gary knowing he wouldn't win. I voted for him knowing that I'm going to continue to hear that my vote was wasted. I voted for him knowing that I'll be blamed by some for the outcome of the election because somehow my vote for a third party candidate gave votes to, or took them away from, Mr. Trump or Ms. Clinton. I voted for him knowing that it was an unpopular position to take among my friends, and that some have chosen to hide my posts or unfriend me as a result. I voted for him knowing some people would get downright hostile about my decision and would probably think less of me because of it. 

 So knowing all of that, why did I do it?

Aleppo-shmaleppo, Gary's my guy!

I voted for Gary because I felt his voice best represented my own. I voted for him because I trusted in him over the other candidates. I voted for him because I believe he has this country's best interests in mind. I voted for him because the system isn't working the way I believe it should. I voted for him because I want him to reach the 5% mark so we are guaranteed more than two options in 2020. I voted for him because I wanted to vote FOR a candidate, not AGAINST one. I voted for him because when all is said and done, I will still feel good about myself and my vote. I voted for him because it was my vote to cast however I wanted, despite what others may think. I voted for him because it felt right for me.

I voted for Mr. Johnson because Ms. Clinton is well-spoken, polished, and prepared for the job, but she is a candidate I cannot trust. I voted for Mr. Johnson because Mr. Trump is bold, business-minded, and not afraid to shake things up, but he is a candidate I cannot respect. 

In the end, it doesn't really matter why I voted for Gary Johnson. Others who voted for him already understand and those who didn't aren't likely to care one way or another. But I have my reasons and I stand behind my decision.

I hope you stand behind yours as well.


*Yes, I meant Haiti, not Hades. The temps in Haiti are almost always in the 70s or 80s. This is not a place Frosty is going on vacation.

Your Vote is Your Voice.

I want to open with something that I said on Facebook over 2 months ago:

I'm not huge on politics or posting about political stuff. Yeah, I post the occasional thing here or there, but mostly I prefer my world of puppies and rainbows. However, I feel like this is important to get out there. Important enough that I'm posting about it. So, you know, pretty damn important (at least to me).

https://youtu.be/HoQLL735QVE

Seems legit.

Before deciding that you "have to" vote for Trump or Clinton in this election - simply because you believe he or she is the lesser of two evils or that you have no other option - PLEASE remember that there are more than two parties out there and, as such, more than two options. A vote for a third party candidate is NOT a wasted vote - it is your chance to speak out!

If you truly want to vote for Donald or Hilary and you truly support him or her as a candidate then please cast your vote accordingly. I would never ask you to NOT vote for someone you believe in! But if you find yourself wishing for a third option, please watch this video and please consider voting for Johnson this fall.

The statement above is absolutely how I feel. If you are truly supportive of a candidate, I believe you should vote for him or her. Your vote is your voice. It's your way of saying, "Yes, I think this is the person who best represents me and my beliefs and who I think will best run this country. I believe in this person and the things for which they stand."

OK, maybe not THIS embarrassed...

Yesterday I wrote about the plethora of presidential candidates in the upcoming election. Prior to researching and writing that post, I really only considered there to be - at most - four candidates: Clinton, Trump, Johnson, and Stein. I already knew about the handful of others on Wisconsin's ballot, but I hadn't been thinking about them (nor the other myriad individuals who will appear on other states' ballots) as "real" candidates. And I have to admit that I'm more than a little embarrassed by that. 

In the past, I've written about not voting for one reason or another. I certainly received some criticism about my choices, but eventually, all was forgotten (if not forgiven). This time, things are (obviously) a bit different. I've been paying attention, having discussions, and doing my own research to make sure that I am an informed voter. I am proudly backing a third party candidate for the first time in my life, and I truly feel that he is the right choice for me.

Yet I have received more criticism for my choice of candidate than I ever did for not voting. When trying to advocate for Gary Johnson (because far too many people don't know who he is, or that there are more than two choices), I've been met with less than favorable responses. I have been told I am wasting my vote. I have been told that "a vote for Johnson is a vote for Hillary/Donald" as well as "voting for Johnson is taking away votes from Hillary/Donald." I have heard my candidate mocked for honest mistakes while other candidates are hailed simply for not being the opposition. And in trying to keep a positive attitude and open dialogue about this election, I have been let down again and again.

It's like you're not even listening!

When speaking about voting for Gary Johnson, no one has said to me, "Oh, that's cool!" Hell, no one has even said, "Well, it's your vote!" I haven't really been asked why I'm voting for Johnson or what I believe in politically that makes him the candidate for me. Most people don't say anything at all. Those who do almost never have anything positive to contribute. I have never been excited (or informed) about a presidential candidate before, and now that I'm finally able to join the conversation, no one wants to hear what I have to say. It's disheartening, to say the least.

Third party candidates are getting a raw deal, and so are their supporters. How do you know you don't agree with someone's policies if you aren't willing to listen to them in the first place? The issues we deal with are really complex. If you're just taking an individual's yes or no stance at face value, you aren't getting the full story. Why did they answer in that way? What reasoning do they have (or not have) for it? Do they have something to back up their response? How do they plan to handle the issue despite their response? That's a lot of questions left unanswered if you simply go, "Nope, I don't agree with that one-word answer. Not getting my vote. Done."

If you are set on voting for Clinton or Trump and you really feel that she or he is the right person to lead this country, then go for it! Like I said, I would never discourage you from voting for the person you most believe in. If you're planning to vote for Donald or Hillary but don't feel all that strongly about him or her, get out there and see what other options you have.  I'm not saying that learning about a third party candidate is 100% going to lead to you voting for one. What I am suggesting is that there is a lot to be gained by looking into the other options that may be available to you. You can learn a lot about what others around you are looking for, or about their beliefs and priorities. You might come to appreciate that even if you don't agree with everything he/she says, you actually can find some common ground. And knowing what else is out there might even strengthen your resolve to vote for your candidate, making you even more confident in your decision. None of this is bad!

And to those who are planning to vote for a third party candidate, for someone who has been ignored by the media and is relatively (or completely) unknown by the general public, I am truly sorry if anyone has made you feel like your choice is wrong or bad. If you believe in your candidate, you should absolutely vote for her/him. It doesn't matter if you shout it from the rooftop or quietly cast your vote in anonymity. Your vote is your voice! Make sure you get heard.

You get a vote! You get a vote! Everyone gets a vote!

The Streak Ends

Hubby and I have gone to a decent number of sporting events over the past 7 years. We've seen three Packers games at Lambeau. We've seen 2 or 3 Admirals games and LOTS of Brewers games here in Milwaukee. In Madison, we've been to a UW men's basketball game and a hockey game, as well as a Mallards game or two. We've been to UW-Whitewater (Hubby's alma mater) football games, too! And every game we've been to, the home team won...

Until last night.

The Brewers gave a valiant effort to rally at last night's game against the Cardinals, but they fell short in the end. 

We thought our streak was going to end with an Admirals game a few months ago. Ads were down by two goals with less than 2 minutes on the clock. But then they managed to tie it up and win in OT. That gave me hope last night when the Crew got within a run of the Cards. Maybe they could win this thing! But, alas, it was not to be.

I think it's good that our streak has ended, as a few good things have come of it:

1) I can talk about it now. Yes, I'm one of those silly superstitious sports fans, and talking about the stream out loud was forbidden. Now I can tell you all how amazing it was to be at all those victories! We watched the Crew's only win during the post-season in 2008, and we watched them clinch the division in 2011! We've seen crazy comebacks and absolute waffle-stompings, both equally exciting in their own ways. It's been a great run!

2) I know that a loss isn't the end of the world. I mean, I've seen PLENTY on TV, but this was the first (in a long time, anyway) that I'd seen in person. And you know what? We still had fun! We cheered on our team and played along with the games in between innings, just like we would during a win. The only thing that was really different was the lack of energy from the crowd, and even that picked back up when we got close! 

3) No more pressure. It sounds silly, but I felt this sort of pressure when I went to games, like it depended on us being there. (It's not just me; check out this Cracked.com article... We love to think we have a hand in the outcome of a game!) Now I can go and whatever happens just happens. 

So it was definitely a bummer to lose last night. But as we walked out, they reminded us not to worry, "Cause every little thing gonna be alright..." There's still a lot of baseball left this season... Let's go, Crew!

What's Done is Done

The Wisconsin recall elections are over.  Finally.  

And now, I have some things to say.

First - I didn't vote yesterday.  Nope.  Not the first time, probably not the last time.  

My reasons were different this time around.  Rather than feeling under informed, I felt like I'd been beaten to death with information: facts stated as opinions, opinions stated as facts, and mud-slinging to boot.  From both sides.  It was sickening.

Don't get me wrong.  I tried.  I really, honestly tried to take a side.  It felt like as soon as I was close to making a decision, something new came to light that made me back off and rethink the whole damn thing.  In the end, I couldn't justify voting when I couldn't decide who to vote for.

I managed to remain fairly silent about the whole ordeal.  Many of my friends were dead-set on recalling Walker.  Others stood behind him the whole way.  I kept my mouth shut and stayed out of things.  Why?  Because I was scared.

These days, I'm normally not too afraid to share my opinions, especially on here.  But I took the coward's way out and am writing this post the day after the recall elections.  First, so no one could try to goad me into voting one way or the other.  It's over.  I didn't vote.  Let's move on.  Second, because I saw people lose friends over this insanity.  I saw debates that turned personal and cruel.  I felt like saying the "wrong" thing was going to turn my life into Hell, that I would lose the respect of people that I like or even love.

Quite honestly, I'm still scared.  As soon as I post this, it's out there.  It's beyond my control.  Once I've said it, I can't un-say it.  But I have to believe that my friends will respect and love me enough that they will see beyond this and just keep loving me for who I am.      

That being said...

To Walker supporters: You prevailed.  Congratulations.  Please, though, remember to be kind.  People in this state felt strongly enough to initiate a recall of the man you support.  Winning doesn't give you the right to gloat.  It doesn't mean you should talk down to anyone or feel superior in any way.  Be gracious.  It could have gone the other way; think about how you would like to be treated in that case.  Most of all, if you stand behind Walker, don't be surprised when certain people are shocked or even disgusted by your opinion, but do be respectful and be willing to defend what you believe in.   

To recall supporters:  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry that this happened, that you felt so strongly about something and it didn't work out.  I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt, let down, and angry.  But remember to be proud that you stood up for what you felt was right and stood against what you felt was wrong.  And like the Walker supporters, I ask you to remember that it could have gone the other way.  When your side loses, it's pretty easy to say that you would've been kinder about things (any good sports fan knows how this goes).  I'm not saying you have to take any bullying or that you should let anyone look down on you; no one should have to endure that.  Just remember that the tides will turn, and remember how this feels. 

To everyone: What's done is done.  I know damn near everyone has something to say about the results, and I truly believe you are all entitled to your opinions.  That's part of being human.  But don't shove it down someone's throat.  Don't rub anyone's face in your victory, and don't place blame on someone just because they think differently.  And please, don't throw away friends because they didn't vote the way you did or because they voice a different opinion.  If they're acting like a dick, then fine, only you can make that call.  But think twice before you do anything hasty.

There you have it.  It wasn't eloquent or spectacularly original, but it's me. <3             

The Follow Up

Well, I'd say I've been missing quite long enough.  Here I am.  Bask in my... here-ness?

So, I wrote these pretty heavy/serious/unhappy posts and then I disappeared.  What gives?  It took a lot out of me to write all of that, and I guess I just needed a break before coming back to explain.

I have 3 main reasons for writing those posts.  The first is completely selfish: it was therapeutic.  My closer friends already knew most of what I went through (or, at least the parts they were around for), but I haven't talked much about any of it in a long time.  When something like that sits inside of you, it feels kind of like a bowling ball sitting in your stomach.  (OK, maybe something smaller, but you get my point.)  Writing about it and getting it all out there felt so good.

The second reason (slightly less selfish) is to share my gratitude.  I was (and still am!) lucky to have people in my life who loved me and cared enough about me to take some action.  Not everyone is so lucky, and I'm utterly grateful to everyone who has touched - and saved - my life.  Without some of you, I couldn't have become who I am today.

The third reason is (I hope) the least selfish and most important.  There are people out there with stories like mine who should know that they aren't alone and that it can get better.  It doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't happen without some effort, but it can happen.

If my story can touch one person, I've achieved more than I could ever hope for.  My pursuit of a degree in Psychology isn't just because I find it interesting, but because I want to use it to change a world.  Not necessarily the world, but a world.  

What's the difference?  The world is a big freakin' place.  It's a whole planet.  With billions upon billions of people, each with his own issues, worries, dreams, regrets, and everything else.  A world is much smaller, more personal.  My world, for example, encompasses me, my friends and family, and the things I cherish most in life.  Many people have helped change my world, and in return, I want to help change some other world.

Maybe I'll help change one person's world.  Maybe I'll help change a community's world.  Maybe I truly will help change THE world.  The best I can do is try.

So with these posts begins an epic journey to change things, one world at a time.  If I've changed your world, thank you.  Thank you for letting me in, thank you for believing in yourself, and thank you for being you.  And if I haven't changed your world, I know someone else out there has.  Be sure to thank them, please. :)

Have a beautiful Memorial Day weekend, lovelies! <3

Riki's History Part 4: Depressed & Desperate

Even after the past three entries, I know this one is going to be the worst.  I'm reliving some seriously messed up stuff and I honestly look back at my life and wonder how I let it get to that point.  The best I can do is try to learn from the past and keep moving forward.

So, when we left off, I was about to leave college for the second time and had met Shane.  Shane was a 19 year old guy I met online.  He was from Missouri, and we had a few things in common.  At college, I didn't date much (or really at all; I was seeing one girl for awhile, but nothing really came of it), so the attention I got online (AOL, baby... I'm that cool) made me feel special.  There were a few guys I IM'd with frequently, but Shane was my favorite.

After I had gone home, my parents insisted I get a job.  I half-heartedly looked, thinking I'd be back for the spring semester, but it wasn't to be.  For a couple of weeks, I lived with my best friend L and her family because I just couldn't take my own family anymore.  "You're breaking your mother's heart, you know," my dad told me.  I knew.  But at the time, I just needed to get out.  On top of this, I had stopped taking my anti-depressants.

The first time we talked on the phone (January 2005), Shane had told me he would sound funny, something about altering his voice.  It should've been a ginormous flag, but I just figured he was being goofy.  That's what we did!  We had fun and flirted and laughed.  Shortly thereafter, I finally got a part-time job.  A few weeks in, I bought my very first cell phone so I could talk to Shane any time I wanted.  By that summer, I was racking up some hefty phone bills (mostly because of texting).

I considered Shane my boyfriend.  I talked to him more than anyone else I knew, and we had such great conversations.  Most of the time.  Sometimes it felt like he wanted me to do nothing but sit around at home and talk to him or (in his absence) think about him or just do nothing.  One time that bothered me in particular was my 21st birthday.  He didn't want me to go out to drink, but there was no way I was missing out on hitting the bars for the first time.  Between texts and phone calls, he kept bugging me all night until I finally stopped responding.

A few times we had broken up (the first time having been a few weeks before my 21st birthday) and then gotten back together.  We were in love, and someday we would get to be together in person.  The drama kept mounting, though.  Hindsight, of course, is 20/20, and looking back, I can't believe how gullible I let myself be.  I believed all kinds of things. 

Want an example?  Once, I believed that he was at a water park and hit his head, giving him some form of amnesia.  I learned this through texts that were supposed to be from his friend telling me this, and warning me that Shane might not remember me.  I was devastated (K probably remembers this; we were over at D's for movie night, I think) and didn't know what to do.  Miraculously enough, everything ended up OK and Shane was fine.

Every day, every week it got harder and harder.  One day we'd be happy and all would be well.  The next we'd be fighting or breaking up and I'd be sure my life was over.  For awhile, we were "engaged" and were planning to get married in a few years.  I even started picking out dresses and rings online (it's the closest I ever got to dreaming of my wedding before I got engaged to Hubby).

For a year this all went on.  My friends thought I would be better off without him.  I know my parents thought so.  But he was the only person I was certain loved me at that point in my life.  I didn't get to go back to school that fall (I hadn't earned enough money for my parents to give the OK), and soon I found out that my sister (K) was moving across the country.  Nothing felt right except for Shane.

So, naturally, that's when my world came crashing down.

In November 2005, more than a year after I'd first "met" him, Shane called to say there was something important we had to talk about.  20-year-old Shane was in fact a 15-year-old girl (we'll call her Girl X).  Her parents had found out about how she had been lying to me (and them) and made her own up to things.  As I talked to her mom and things unraveled, everything started making sense.

The reason "Shane" was always at the local high school ("he" told me he worked there, but Girl X was really a student there).  All the times I heard people call her by her real name (a unisex name).  The extravagant stories meant to force us to break up because she couldn't simply do it.  The excuses for why we couldn't meet (because she wasn't who I thought), and the "altered" voice (in my defense, she had a very gender-neutral sounding voice over the phone). 

Girl X wasn't to contact me anymore, but she did.  She apologized and told me that she really did love me.  And being as depressed and desperate as I was, I kept talking to her because I loved her, too.  I don't care about gender (it's one of the perks to being bisexual, I guess).  A body is just a body; I was in love with the person inside and the body wasn't even a factor.  We secretly kept talking for a day or two until her dad found out.  At that point, it came down to this: Either I stopped contacting Girl X, or they were going to essentially flag me as a child predator and things would've gotten U-G-L-Y.  I opted for the former.

She kept trying, though.  I'd get texts, but I kept ignoring them.  Her or her friends would keep emailing me or IM'ing me.  Within a week, I changed my phone number.  I had blocked her on AOL, along with all her "friends."  At least once she tried to trick me into talking to her.  I had gotten an IM and was chatting with some guy when things started getting weird.  It dawned on me that it must've been her, and I said goodbye and blocked that name, too.  A few years later, I think she might have tried again, but I can't say for sure.  The last time I know I talked to her was 6 and a half years ago.  

This whole thing sounds insane.  I'm aware.  It's hard to believe that I didn't see the signs, right?  You only see what you want to see sometimes, and all I wanted was someone who loved me and made me feel worthwhile.  I sometimes suspected that maybe "Shane" was in high school, but I figured maybe he was a senior and just didn't want me to write him off as being too young.  Never did I suspect he was female, nor that she was only 15. 

At first, I missed her.  Terribly.  My best friend/sister was moving away, I'd lost the person I loved, and I was feeling utterly alone.  But as time went on, I realized that she had lied to me for a year, and instead of being sad, I was just plain old pissed off.  Mostly, I think, at myself for being so trusting, so blind to everything.  I was embarrassed and hurt, and I told very, very few people the truth about what happened.  Now you all know the truth.

My depression and low self-esteem can't take all of the blame for what happened, I know, but they played a pretty major role in things.  Had I been a happier, more confident person, I wouldn't have been spending my entire life online talking to strangers who (at least seemingly) accepted me without question.  I probably would have found more joy in the world around me, I might not have felt like the only way someone could love me was without having to be physically with me, and maybe I could have found happiness in loving myself instead of seeking someone else's love.

Aching.

I think everyone should be entitled to one day off a year that doesn't count toward or against anything.  Not a sick day.  Not a vacation day.  No penalties.  No questions.  Just one day (unpaid for all I care) where you can call in and all is forgiven.

The reason shouldn't matter.  Could be that you stayed up way too late the night before and you're exhausted.  Could be a "mental health" day.  Could be that you're just in a funk.  Could be that you're in a fantastic mood and work shouldn't be allowed to bring you down.

And it shouldn't matter what you use that day for, either.  A huge sale at your favorite store.  An event you'd like to attend.  A TV or video game marathon.  A day to get all your errands done.  A day to do nothing.  A day to do whatever.

I think I would've taken that day on Tuesday.  For me, it would have been a day to reflect.  A day to remember.  Cry.  Laugh.  Grieve.  Ache.  I would have slept.  Or zoned out on the couch.  Or maybe gone outside with the dog.  Probably some combination thereof.

But I have no time off available (using it for Disney - definitely NOT complaining about that).  And I don't get "sick" days (all my time off is in one big lump).  So instead, I sat here and tried to work through the pain.  Then tears.  Then laughter.  Then numbness.  By mid-morning, I was emotionally drained.  I got some work done, sure, but staying focused wasn't going to happen.

I was 18 and in my first semester of college (which failed miserably, but that's not the point of this story).  My mental health and stability were so-so, and I didn't have many friends yet.  So, as has been my way of coping for a long time, I turned to the internet.

It was a Yahoo chatroom, I think.  Probably location based.  I'm not sure how it started, but we started talking.  We were both about the same age.  Both from Wisconsin.  Both bored.  So we kept talking.

When we met in person, my hair was red.  BRIGHT red.  Bozo red, you said.  I was easy to find, though.  We hung out, talked, enjoyed one another's company.  I think we knew dating would never happen (in fact, you had a girlfriend at the time, and I had a boyfriend, so it didn't matter anyway), but something made us want to be friends.

Maybe a few days later, we were talking about hair.  You liked long hair.  My hair was probably to my shoulders or a little longer, and you said I'd be prettier with longer hair, so I marched to the dorm bathroom with a pair of scissors and hacked at my hair.  You laughed and thought I was crazy.  I probably was.  Thankfully, it actually looked cute.  I've been cutting my own hair since.

You introduced me to web forums, and somehow made me feel like I belonged, even though I had nothing to do with the game it was associated with and didn't know any of the people there.  

You made me watch Fight Club, on the understanding that I'd have to watch it a second time to actually understand it.  

You took me to the bowling alley and we played pool.

We cruised East Wash together, listening to ICP.  

I was there when you got your first tattoo finished up.  You never did explain it to me; it never really mattered.

Best of all, you never judged me.  You always told me things the way they were, instead of telling me what I wanted to hear.  You listened, and even if you didn't care, you made me feel like you did.  I needed that.

It's been years since we talked.  Even longer since I've seen you.  A few months ago we exchanged brief messages on Facebook, the first time we'd spoken in forever.  It felt good.  

And now you're gone.  And I'm left with this ache because I don't understand.  I don't understand what happened.  I don't understand how it happened.  I don't even understand why it hurts me so much.  We haven't really been friends in a long time, but somehow, knowing you're gone and we'll never be friends again hurts so much worse than I ever would have imagined.

A lot of people will miss you.  People closer to you than I was, for sure.  But it doesn't make my pain any less real.  

RIP, DS.  

wtf, 2012?

From what I can gather via Facebook (the source of all things in my life), a lot of people were really hoping 2012 was going to be a great year.  Personally, I didn't really have a bad 2011.  I got good grades in school.  Had my first anniversary with the hubs.  Had a house, a job, clothing, and food.  Things were pretty good.

But this year has started out with major suckage!  Well, maybe I'm exaggerating, but seriously?  This is lame.

• I've already had a cold this year.  That knocked me down for 3 damn days.  Ugh.
• Puppers had/has her extra butt hole (see previous post).
• Hubby had to work from 9 AM until about 2 AM the other day.  He then had to wake up and go back to work at 9 AM and wound up staying until almost 8 PM.  
• Also, Hubby thinks he's getting my cold, which is not cool.
• Oh, and my classes are already getting the best of me!  Well, Forensic Science is, anyway.  Yikes, man.  Just yikes.
• Bestie's cat is not doing so well, and they think her time is soon to come.  :-(
• K's first week back teaching was, apparently, less than stellar and actually resulted in her singing karaoke.  Sober.  If you knew her, you'd be stunned.
• Annnnd, I just found out that my dad fell down some stairs last Monday and cracked a rib in the process.  He had to take this week off of work (which he said wasn't the worst thing in the world), and he says it hurts to laugh (which he considers the worst part of the whole thing).

That's not to say 2012 is completely without hope.  Hubby got a raise (yay!) and in less than 2 months we'll be at the happiest place on Earth with my bestie and her hubs!!  WOOOO!!!  I also got invited to join Phi Kappa Phi (a national honor society with decently high standards), so that's pretty awesome, too!  

Let's just hope that the year starts producing more good than bad.  After all, if the world really does end in December, I'd rather have fun getting there, wouldn't you?