The Follow Up

Well, I'd say I've been missing quite long enough.  Here I am.  Bask in my... here-ness?

So, I wrote these pretty heavy/serious/unhappy posts and then I disappeared.  What gives?  It took a lot out of me to write all of that, and I guess I just needed a break before coming back to explain.

I have 3 main reasons for writing those posts.  The first is completely selfish: it was therapeutic.  My closer friends already knew most of what I went through (or, at least the parts they were around for), but I haven't talked much about any of it in a long time.  When something like that sits inside of you, it feels kind of like a bowling ball sitting in your stomach.  (OK, maybe something smaller, but you get my point.)  Writing about it and getting it all out there felt so good.

The second reason (slightly less selfish) is to share my gratitude.  I was (and still am!) lucky to have people in my life who loved me and cared enough about me to take some action.  Not everyone is so lucky, and I'm utterly grateful to everyone who has touched - and saved - my life.  Without some of you, I couldn't have become who I am today.

The third reason is (I hope) the least selfish and most important.  There are people out there with stories like mine who should know that they aren't alone and that it can get better.  It doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't happen without some effort, but it can happen.

If my story can touch one person, I've achieved more than I could ever hope for.  My pursuit of a degree in Psychology isn't just because I find it interesting, but because I want to use it to change a world.  Not necessarily the world, but a world.  

What's the difference?  The world is a big freakin' place.  It's a whole planet.  With billions upon billions of people, each with his own issues, worries, dreams, regrets, and everything else.  A world is much smaller, more personal.  My world, for example, encompasses me, my friends and family, and the things I cherish most in life.  Many people have helped change my world, and in return, I want to help change some other world.

Maybe I'll help change one person's world.  Maybe I'll help change a community's world.  Maybe I truly will help change THE world.  The best I can do is try.

So with these posts begins an epic journey to change things, one world at a time.  If I've changed your world, thank you.  Thank you for letting me in, thank you for believing in yourself, and thank you for being you.  And if I haven't changed your world, I know someone else out there has.  Be sure to thank them, please. :)

Have a beautiful Memorial Day weekend, lovelies! <3

Brett Who?

As I'm sure any true Packers fan will tell you, last night's game was nothing short of fantastic.  Yes, it started poorly, but we came back strong and didn't back down.  It was beautiful.

My favorite part (aside from the fact that we're headed to the NFC Championship game!) was that during the entire course of the game, I didn't hear the name "Brett Favre" once.  Sure, he got a brief mention during the pre-game and another just after the clock ran out at the end, but during the actual game, there was nothing.

Let me clear up my feelings on this:

• I will always look back and think of Brett Favre fondly as a Packer.  He was an amazing player and a huge part of our Super Bowl XXXI glory, and for that I will always be grateful.  
• Once he decided to screw us over by un-retiring and not wanting to give Aaron Rodgers the chance he'd been promised, I started doubting Brett as a person.  I mean, who does that?  When he went to the Jets, I was disappointed in him, but I vowed to move past it.  It was the beginning of Aaron's era.  Still, every Packers game was riddled with commentary about Brett Favre.
• When he decided to un-retire AGAIN, this time going to the Vikings, I lost all faith in Brett.  It's one thing to go play for another team.  It's another to join the enemy.  Unforgivable.  And yet, there continued to be talk of Favre during Packers games.  It was either comparisons of Rodgers and Favre, or talking about Favre's glory days, or mentions of what the Vikings were up to...  Ugh.  Enough, already!

As I said, I will always look back fondly on Brett as a Packer.  Post-Packers, I refuse to give him ANY credit for ANYTHING he did.  The fact is, he screwed up.  He put himself ahead of the team, and that wasn't something I ever thought he would do.  I thought he was a true Packer, and I'm sad to say I was so horribly wrong.  So yes, it gives me GREAT pleasure that he didn't get a single mention during this Packers game.  Because I'm so over him.  

Brett Favre is like your high school sweetheart (with a few exceptions, of course).  You can look back fondly at the time you were together, because he (or she) was the world to you and he could do no wrong.  You had amazing experiences together and you'll never forget that. 

But once he started screwing around after you went away to college, he lost all credibility.  You two were done and it was time to move on.  Only everyone around you kept mentioning him, and in your mind, you were always comparing other guys to him.

Once you found out he ended up with that popular girl from high school (the bitch everyone hated, who thought she was all that, but was just a classless whore), it was SO done.  She can have your sloppy seconds; you've got a new man.  And he's even MORE amazing.

Brett Who?

That's what I thought.   

My Bad... I Guess?

It's just after 8 and already today has left a bad taste in my mouth.  Fantastic.

You see, I tend to take things very personally, and this morning I have already felt attacked, even though I'm sure it was meant to be anything but an attack.  Let me explain.

I am notoriously pessimistic.  I am Eeyore personified.  Well, at least, I used to be.  You see, I'm on a medication called Fluoxetine, aka generic Prozac.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I don't try to hide it.  In fact, I bring it up sometimes to joke about it or be thankful for it!  

I remember I used to hate that I needed medication to be "normal" and I even tried a few times to live without taking the meds (which, for the record, turned out to be a poor idea - who knew?).  Then my mom and I had (roughly) this conversation:

Mom: What do you dislike about it?
Me: I hate being dependent on something just to be normal.
Mom: I see...  Well, are you dependent on your glasses?

Me: Well, yeah, I guess.  But that's different!

Mom: How?  You need the glasses to see normally, right?  You wouldn't just stop wearing them because you didn't like it.

Me: Uh, no.  That'd be pretty dumb.

Mom: Right.  So why is depending on them to live any different than depending on medication?

Me: Um...  Huh...

In my mind, the meds had been more like crutches, easing me back to recovery.  But in reality, they're just as necessary as my glasses or my inhaler.  I depend on these things to live the best life I can, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Anywhoozles, I digress (or digest, for you Family Guy fans).  My point is I used to be the poster child for depression, pessimism, and anything else moody like that.  People who have known me for awhile remember this and, sometimes, still think of me that way.  Which means when I try to be optimistic, people often think I'm being sarcastic or just plain rude. 

And that...  Ooh, that rubs me the wrong way.  I take it very personally when people think I'm incapable of looking at the positive side of things or being in any way optimistic.  Really?  Do you all think I'm that horrible?  Thanks, that's really reassuring.  I feel awesome now.  Woo.

So, as you can see, things that aren't meant to be attacks can sometimes feel like attacks to me.  I get defensive and my pessimistic former self starts creeping back.  The sarcasm thickens, the mood darkens, and it takes everything I have not to lash out.  

Here's a thought - try giving people the benefit of the doubt. Oddly enough, sometimes they really do change; sometimes for the better!  If a friend or coworker or family member or neighbor does or says something out of character, and it's a GOOD change, go with it.  Don't question it.  Don't assume it's a fluke or that it's meant to mock.  Have a little optimism.  It goes a long way.