Crime Time: Dirt, Shit & Spit

A day late, I know, but hopefully you'll forgive me. :)

An egg was found smashed inside a mailbox in the 9200 block of North Waverley Drive at 11:30 a.m. May 19. No damage was reported.

No damage?? That poor egg is totaled! Have you no heart?

A man was arrested for physical abuse of a child and that child, a male juvenile, ages and residences not released, for disorderly conduct after they got into a fight during a basketball game at Fairy Chasm Park, 5712 Fairy Chasm Road, at 5:15 p.m. April 24. The fight started when the boy blocked the man's shot and then the two began to "trash talk." No major injuries were reported.

When I first started reading this one, I went, "Oh shit, physical abuse of a child... How awful!" And then after reading I was like, well... Maaaaaaybe he had it coming.*


Six boxes of shrimp valued at $180 were taken from Na Na Asian Fusion & Sushi Bar, 4511 N. Oakland Ave., at 3 p.m. May 10. The suspect was a male, about 6-feet tall who entered through a rear door and left with the shrimp.  

Poor shrimp. They were just prawns in his game.

A resident called police after picking up "several pieces of dog feces" from a yard in the 2600 block of East Edgewood Avenue at 7 p.m. May 12. The resident asked the police to do a DNA test so the dog could be located. 

While I understand being upset about the dog shit, asking for a DNA test is not a normal reaction. I'd have set up a camera to see whose dog it was. Then I'd put the shit in a box. Then I'd put that box inside of another box and mail it to myself. And when it arrived, I'd smash it with a hammer! Wait, no. That doesn't get me anywhere good. Scratch that. I'd put it in a bag, set it on fire and leave it at the jackass's house. Much better.

Eleven 55-gallon drums filled with dirt were taken from Burger King, 4555 W. Forest Home Ave., between May 8 and May 14.

Now how will they make their Whoppers?!

An intoxicated male was lying on the ground after he walked into a tree and fell down at 76th Street and Cold Spring Road at 2:30 a.m. May 19. His girlfriend arrived at the scene and picked him up.

He's lucky his girlfriend is so nice. I'd have taken pictures and called him George of the Jungle. At minimum. 

A 24-year-old Milwaukee man was arrested for drunken driving, with a prior conviction, driving with a revoked license, also with a prior conviction, a warrant, refusal to take a breath test and driving west in an eastbound lane on Mequon Road at River Road at 2:15 a.m. May 15. He told police he had not been drinking and was on his way "to my crib." His preliminary blood alcohol content was 0.279, and after a judge issued a warrant he was taken for a blood draw.  

I think this one largely speaks for itself. Moving on.

A small blue spruce tree was stolen from a residential property in the 2600 block of East Oakwood Road between 3:30 p.m. May 14 and 3:30 p.m. May 15. This is the second occurrence of tree theft at the residence in less than one week.

Let me see if I understand this. Someone is coming into this yard and stealing trees, right? So, either they're digging large enough holes to pull the trees out of the ground whole, or they're chopping them down... And no one has witnessed this? Seems shady to me.

Police and firefighters responded to a fire alarm at Tanglewood Apartments, 1785 W. Meyer Lane, at 5:43 a.m. May 16. An officer spoke to a resident who stated his wife accidentally triggered the alarm as she attempted to hit a cockroach that was climbing up the wall near the fire alarm. An officer spoke with the manager, and he confirmed there was a problem with bugs at the building.

For the record, Hubby and I used to live at Tanglewood. All I can say is ewwwwwwwwwwww!

A woman was arrested for spitting in the face of an employee of Hot Topic at Mayfair, 2500 N. Mayfair Road, at 8:53 May 14. She said she was mad at the employee for calling her "ghetto."

In the woman's defense, the employee really shouldn't be insulting customers. In the employee's defense, she was probably pretty ghetto.

And now, because springtime = animals being crazy...

Police responded to a report of a large turtle in the street on Freistadt Road and River Lane at 10:50 a.m. May 14. The turtle was pushed into the ditch so that regular traffic could resume. 

That must've been a big ass turtle. I mean, if I was in the middle of the street, I don't think it would stop traffic... 

A resident in the W143 N9600 block of Amber Drive called police after she found a yellow and black snake in her front yard at 11:55 a.m. May 15. Upon arrival, the responding officer observed a large grass snake, about 21/2 to 3 feet in length, disappear under a group of bushes. The officer advised the resident to call an exterminator or purchase snake repellent.

Is snake repellent a thing? (A Google search indicates that yes, apparently it is.)

A boa constrictor was found in the front yard of a residence in the 12000 block of West Layton Avenue about 11:30 a.m. May 15. By the time police arrived, the resident had the snake in a bag, which officers took to the Milwaukee Area Domestic Animal Control Center.

Sir/Ma'am, I'm not sure how you managed to get the boa in the bag... But well done. Well fucking done.


*I say this only because I imagine it's probably an 18-20 year old who hit a 16 year old, you know? More than likely, it's not like some parent was beating the crap out of their 5 year old... Nothing funny about that shit.

Wednesday Crime Time: Gone to the Animals

Happy Hump Day! Here we go!

A Shorewood man, age not released, was warned for dogs at large after a woman called police to report his two schnauzers "came at her" as she walked in the 4500 block of North Wilson Drive at 1 p.m. May 7. She told him his dogs should be on a leash and he told her, "You need to be on a leash." He later apologized. 

Personally, I'd like to give him a high five for that quick retort, though I feel like he completely missed a golden opportunity to call her a bitch. (It's a dog joke, son.)

A woman, age and residence not released, was arrested for drunken driving, with a prior conviction, illegal possession of a Schedule II narcotic, driving with a revoked license, defective tail lights, defective brake lights, failure to have insurance and open intoxicants after weaving in traffic in the 4800 block of North Sheffield Avenue about 2:45 a.m. May 7. The woman had three Adderall pills in her purse which she said weren't hers. She admitted knowing her license was revoked. Her BAC was 0.12.

On the plus side... Nope. I got nothin'. 

A 32-year-old Brookfield man was cited for littering after he illegally dumped seven large, empty boxes in the trash at Applebee's, 20101 W. Bluemound Road, before 3:30 p.m. May 4.  

He could have at least dumped them in the recycling bin. Save the planet, dude.

Three men, at least one of them carrying a handgun, robbed Kentucky Fried Chicken, 6311 S. 27th St., at 10 p.m. May 10. The men, two wearing bandanas and one wearing a monkey mask, fled the store on foot with an undisclosed amount of money. Police are investigating.

See, this is what happens when the man in the yellow hat is replaced with two men in bandanas: Curious George Robs a KFC. 

A caller reported two cows running in the road in the 9000 block of West County Line Road about 1:30 p.m. May 11. Police made contact with the owner of the cows, who retrieved them.

I know there's a "Why did the cows cross the road?" joke in here somewhere... In the mean time, anyone who is still partying must immediately stop; the cows have come home.

A staff member at Kindred Transitional Care and Rehab, 5700 W. Layton Ave., called police after two patients began arguing at dinner and one of them threw a sandwich at 7:40 p.m. May 8. 

There are nicer ways of sending your order back that don't result in the police showing up, but where's the fun in that?

About $1 in change was stolen from a home and a television set was disconnected but not stolen during a residential burglary. The back door was forced open, and witnesses said they saw two vehicles in the driveway of the home between 7:30 and 8 p.m. May 4. The home is uninhabited. The location of this burglary was redacted by police.

Worst. Burglars. Ever.


"Man robs Wade gas station of cash, bread and bag of pork skins." 

This one was sent to me for special inclusion in Crime Time from a friend/reader. You can check out the story here, but the headline pretty much says it all. I hope those pork skins were worth it, dirt bag! You are a MENACE to the pork product industry and we will not stand for this injustice!! I mean, what's next? Bacon? Oh NO you do not!!

And now a couple to make you feel a little warm and fuzzy (and possibly restore some of your faith in humanity... but probably not).
 
An officer was flagged down by a bicyclist in the median at 27th Street and Sycamore Avenue to assist a duck and her ducklings across the street at 12:50 p.m. May 1. The officer helped move the ducks to a pond.

Police received a call for assistance about 2:25 p.m. May 11 after a mother duck and her ducklings got stuck in a median while attempting to cross the road in the 7500 block of West Rawson Avenue. The ducks were no longer in the area when an officer arrived.

A resident called police to report a duckling fell into a sewer near the pond behind Pick 'n Save on Sylvan Circle and Squire Drive at 6:55 p.m. May 11. The duckling was removed from the sewer and reunited with ducks that were waiting near the scene.