We Are...

Nov. 8 - Today I am thankful for...

Penn State's World Campus (and online education in general)

My first attempt at college wasn't exactly spectacular. I made some fantastic friends and had some great experiences, but in terms of actual education, I didn't gain much ground. 

I left traditional school behind in 2004. It wasn't until 2009 that I really decided to try again, and I figured that this time I'd try something different. I checked into online colleges, did my research and ended up applying to Penn State, hoping to become a part of their World Campus program. I was accepted and started taking classes that fall.

In the past three years, I have learned more than I can possibly share. And it goes beyond the content of the courses. By taking classes online, I've learned how to more successfully manage my time (which is key when you work full time, take classes part time and would still like to sleep occasionally). I've learned which study habits work best for me (like taking LOTS of notes when I read) and which ones don't (like staying up for an all-night cram session when I have work the next day). Most importantly, I've learned that hard work really does pay off; I have a 3.97 GPA, currently have A's in both of my fall courses and will be a second-semester Junior this spring.

Do I think that online learning is best for everyone? No. Nothing is going to be best for everyone. It's like trying to make everyone happy. It's just not possible.

Do I think that online learning is best for me? Absolutely. World Campus not only gave me a second chance to get my degree, but did so in a way that lets me work independently (without too much interruption) without ever feeling like I'm alone.

For that, I really am thankful.

November?

Happy belated Halloween! Hope everyone had a lovely day. :-) I watched Nightmare Before Christmas (of course) and Hubby took me on a "Halloween drive" to see some of the awesome decorating people do around here. We had pumpkin pie blizzards from DQ and we watched the new episode of Criminal Minds. It was a good day indeed!

However, every year I forget (and am abruptly reminded) that there is a down side to Halloween; the next day is November.

While it's true that November does mean good things (Thanksgiving, semester ends next month, etc), it also means that winter is on its way and that another year is quickly coming to an end. I'm not necessarily opposed to this, it just kind of freaks me out. Wasn't it just summer? Weren't we just talking about how hot it was? Didn't I just change my clocks an hour forward!? WHAT KIND OF CRUEL JOKE IS THIS?!

Ahem. Sorry about that.

Anywhoozles, I'm going to try something for this November, to try and keep things positive and forget about the impending madness of winter in Wisconsin. With Thanksgiving in mind, I'm going to try to write a quick post each day about something I'm thankful for. At the end of the month, I should have a nice list of things I'm lucky to have to remind myself of whenever I get down. Or a list of really random things that makes me question my sanity and/or priorities. Seems like a win-win.

And so, here we go.

November 1st - I am thankful for...

Online shopping.

OK, this seems like a weird one to start with, but hear me out. I am, as many of you know, a very shy person. Some might call me anti-social. Some DO call me anti-social. In addition, I pretty much refuse to drive in Milwaukee. I've had my share of getting lost around here, and I am by NO means an aggressive driver (which usually means I'm the one who gets screwed over), so other drivers scare the crap out of me. Add those up and I don't get out much on my own.

While Hubby is great at taking me places and going shopping with me, I don't always want to bug him and he's not always available. Enter online shopping. Amazon has been my savior for years now, and I love my Amazon Prime account. (No, I'm not being paid to say that. I really just freakin' love it!) They don't have everything, of course, but more than enough for this gal. 

Besides, there are so many other sites out there! If I need stuff for the dog, BaxterBoo is amazing. If I need clothes, I head to OneStopPlus (big girls need clothes, too). If I want to browse random stuff, I head to places like Shopko, ThinkGeek, or Disney Store. And whenever I'm struggling with present ideas, gifts.com is awesome. Even if I don't find the perfect present, it never fails to give me some awesome ideas.

The benefits are almost endless. I don't have to go anywhere. I don't have to look presentable or even be fully clothed. If I change my mind, removing something from my cart is as easy as clicking a button. There are always deals to be found. Things get delivered right to my house. And a lot of stores will even let you return things (for free or the price of shipping) with little to no hassle.

So, yes, I am thankful for online shopping. It sounds silly, but it makes my life a lot easier and lot more pleasant. And that's worth a ton to me.

No Closure Here

Closure.  Blech.

So, if you've read my more recent posts, you'll know that I had a not-so grand online relationship (to say the very least).  They weren't all bad, though.  

For example, my friend DS who recently died.  I met him online, and we were pretty good friends for awhile there.  We hung out, watched movies, drove around.  I miss him, but we weren't ever super close.  Don't take that to mean I don't care.  I do.  I'm just stating a fact.  We were definitely friends, and he was good for talking to and advice, as well as a good time, but we weren't the kind of friends who hugged or who cried together, we never had terribly deep conversations, none of the things that make someone a close friend.

But there was another online friend who was a close friend.  For the sake of this post, I'll call him Q.

In my freshman/sophomore year of college, as we've discovered, I lived online.  Chat rooms, forums, dating sites, LiveJournal...  You name it and I probably had an account.  One site in particular that I loved was OKCupid.  I wound up meeting a few local guys through their site, but the meetings never went beyond a first date or an initial meet up.

Then one day (a few months before I turned 20) I got a message from some guy in Minnesota (Q).  My screen name was faygokid, and he asked if I liked Faygo.  Well, trying to be the cool kid that I never was, I said yes and started asking if he was a Juggalo (I know, I know...).  He most definitely wasn't, he just liked the pop (for those who don't know, it's effing cheap and tasty), but somehow we kept messaging.  

Through a lot of guessing and mind games, I finally got to know him.  Q was a college student and was about a year or two younger than I was.  He was an absolute music snob, wore skinny jeans before it was cool, and knew off the bat that he'd never date someone like me.  I think that's what made our friendship work so well.  We both knew it would never be more than that.

After a few weeks of talking nonstop online, we moved to the phone and talked for hours at a time.  Q and I both had some emotional damage and mental illness issues, and that was another reason we clung to each other.  He was the first person I had openly spoken to about cutting and burning who I thought actually understood.  We talked through our demons together on more than one occasion, and this fast, intense friendship just kind of happened.

A few months later things were less intense, but we still spoke on a regular basis. A few months after that is when I ended my first attempt at college and went back home to get a job.  He would call me randomly at night.  We'd talk for hours and then I wouldn't hear from him again for weeks.  That was just how we were.

I went to visit him the summer I turned 21.  I had gotten a hand-me-down car for my birthday, and my first big trip was up to Minneapolis.  I ended up getting lost because the address he'd given me had left out that it was S whatever street and I wound up at N whatever street.  I had to call him and have him figure out where in the world I was and how to get to him.  I was nervous as he helped me park where I needed to and walked me up to his apartment.  But somehow, once I got into his room, everything felt fine.  It's not like Q was the kind of person to put you at ease; quite the opposite.  He was always judging and criticizing.  But something felt right about being there.  

That first trip, I spent 90% of the weekend in his room.  The only times we left were to get food, for me to grab a smoke (which he hated), or for a quick trip to the video game store.  Otherwise, we stayed curled up together, listening to music or watching shows on his laptop.  It wasn't really a sexual thing, just a comfort thing.  We just needed to be close to one another.  

I made a second trip up to see him about 6 months later.  He was actually nice enough to take me out to dinner one of the nights I was there and put up with me taking an obnoxious number of pictures.  We still spent a lot of the weekend laying around together, but it wasn't quite as intense as that first meeting.  

That was about 6 years ago, and I haven't seen him since.  Every few months or so I would get a late-night phone call from him, and we'd talk like we used to, but things were different.  His on/off girlfriend didn't want him to talk to me, so he could only call when she wasn't around.  At a certain point, the calls stopped altogether.

I think about him frequently.  Not obsessively, but I do wonder about him, and I miss talking to him for hours.  A few weeks ago, I did some of my best Facebook stalking and found him, but he didn't return my message.  I'm guessing it has to do with his wife (he appears to be married to her now), but maybe he just has no interest in talking to me again.

I wish I knew.  I wish I had some kind of closure so I could acknowledge that our friendship has passed.  It would suck, sure, but at least I could look back and think about the insane and intense friendship we had instead of wondering if we'll ever speak again or if he remembers me as fondly as I remember him.  

Closure.  I kind of hate that word.  Maybe that's because it's so hard to come across and because I want it so badly.  Maybe it's because I'm scared of what it would bring.  Either way, I don't think I'll be getting it anytime soon.

Love and miss you, Q. 

World Wide Waste of Time

Thank you, Diablo Cody, for that new meaning of WWW (and thank you Kelly for suggesting I read Candy Girl...  I'm really enjoying it so far!).

So, I frequent one of those sites that hosts all sorts of random games (for free, or for paid membership).  I'm a sucker for a good puzzle game.  Or, pretty much any game really...  I like games!

What I don't like is the chat feature on the SIDE of the game.  Yes, I know, I can minimize the chat.  I often do.  But then I can't see the progress I'm making toward certain goals, and then I get sad, etc etc.  

Recently, I saw a conversation between two members where one was seemingly "hurt" because some woman he had been talking to via the site refused to send him a photo of herself.  The other member commented on how "weird" that was, and how this other woman seemed nice, but something was clearly off.

Seriously?  I had to minimize the chat because I had several theories on why someone wouldn't send a photo, and didn't want to get into it at the time.  However, let me offer some of those theories here:

1) Maybe she is self conscious.  This is probably the most over-looked explanation out there.  I know I would be hesitant to send a photo of myself to a stranger.  What if he expected me to be hotter?  Or thinner?  Or have longer hair?  Or whatever?  I'd rather he just keep whatever pleasant image he has of me in his mind and continue talking to me, rather than judging me based on my appearance and throwing everything else out the window because I don't match what he already has imagined me to be.

2) Maybe she lied.  Another obvious reason... People lie on the internet.  Maybe she's not 5'9 and blonde like she said.  Maybe she's 5'2, morbidly obese and has lost all her teeth.  Clearly she wouldn't want to send a picture, as this would give herself away.  Duh.

3) Maybe she's a he.  Along those same lines, maybe SHE isn't a SHE after all.  Maybe HE just wanted some companionship, and knew that (sadly) most men in chat rooms are just looking for female attention.

4) Maybe she doesn't have any recent photos.  Maybe she's lost 30 pounds since the last one and doesn't want you to see her the way she no longer sees herself.  Maybe she doesn't have a good picture from the past 5 years and doesn't want to give you the impression that she's lying about her age.  Just saying; these things happen.

5) Maybe she just doesn't want to send a picture.  Even if she's been perfectly honest, has self esteem up the wazoo, etc...  Doesn't mean she wants to send you a picture.  Maybe she doesn't want to play into your perverted sexual fantasies by sending you a picture so you can get every imagined detail right.  Maybe she was annoyed because you asked so many times for a picture.  Maybe she just doesn't care.  

Many explanations are pretty harmless, really.  They range from the simple to the incredulous, but each has meaning to someone.  The internet has given us all a blank mask.  We can choose who we want to be at any given point.  It's an exciting, but terrifying, reality.  

I won't lie.  I've been duped.  Bad.  So I really, truly understand not wanting to send photos of yourself to someone you'll likely never even meet.  Maybe it's best that we all just live in our imaginations online and ground ourselves more firmly in the reality of the world around us.

Pipe dreams, right?  Oh well.