Christmastime is Here

Well, I have my Christmas cards sent out, about half of our presents wrapped, and I've been listening to Christmas music (on my own) for about a week now.  Christmas must be a-coming.  

The concept of Christmas itself is sort of conflicting for me.  As we know, I'm completely a-religious, so I don't go to church or get into the whole nativity thing.  In fact, our neighbors across the street have a fairly gaudy plastic nativity decoration out front that drives me crazy.  Not because of the churchiness, but because you could probably land a plane on our street when it's lit up.  Aye yi yi.

I don't have a problem with using the abbreviation X-mas.  I understand the "Keep Christ in Christmas" thing, but personally, I don't think the two are related.  Are people upset when others abbreviate TGIF because they don't actually write out "God"?  Somehow, I think not.  And that's all X-mas is.  It's an abbreviation, not blasphemy.

I think people should wish whatever the hell they want during the holiday season.  I don't care if they wish me a happy holiday, a merry Christmas or just a nice day; I just appreciate the sentiment.  If you're offended because someone mentioned a holiday that you don't celebrate, I can't imagine what else offends you...

That being said, I love Christmas.  Not as much as Halloween, but it's a close second in my book.  I love the smell of a pine tree in my house and I love buying presents for people I love.  The past few years, I've taken to making Christmas crafts, and though I tend to end up with more glue on me than I could've sworn I even had available, I enjoy it.  I love being with my family and eating all the cookies I can shove in my mouth before my stomach registers that it's too much.  Getting Christmas cards in the mail makes me downright giddy, and I look forward to my mom's Christmas Eve prime rib the other 364 days a year.  T'is a wonderful holiday, indeed.

My parents will tell you that I'm a tradition nazi.  Actually, most people who know me would tell you that.  I just happen to think traditions are a integral part of the holiday experience, though, I may take things a bit too far sometimes.  My mom once made little tenderloin medallions instead of prime rib for Christmas Eve and I sort of threw a fit (even though it was actually in my best interest, since I always had an issue with eating too much prime rib and getting horrendous tummy aches).  Another year, Mom decided that she wanted their tree upstairs in the window instead of downstairs where it has ALWAYS been, and I tried really, really hard to talk her out of it, even though it was something she had always wanted to try.  Thankfully, I've gotten past most of those issues, but I still have to have my mug of hot chocolate in order to open presents on Christmas Eve and I have to put certain ornaments on the tree myself or else things don't feel quite right.  

The one thing I'm missing right now is snow.  We've only had one snowfall that stuck, and it was only around for an afternoon.  No one dreams of a grey, rainy Christmas.  No one sings, "Let it sleet, let it sleet, let it sleet."  There's a reason for this.  It sucks.  In my opinion, snow is the only acceptable precipitation this time of year and, as my family's motto goes, it's Christmas, dammit!  

Anywhoozles, here's hoping that you all have a wonderful season, however you plan to enjoy it!  :) 

What's My Motivation?

Well, my lovely readers, my semester ended last Friday night and I ended up with A's in both classes.  Huzzah!!  I do love knowing that all my effort pays off sometimes.  It keeps me motivated to keep working toward my degree, and I can't wait for the day I can say that I'm a college graduate.

Work, however, is an entirely different story.  I feel no motivation whatsoever to get anything accomplished.  My salary is a joke.  My job is mundane at best and a nightmare at worst.  The only positive things I can say about my job are that a) I have one and b) I get to work from home in my pjs.  For the longest time, I thought the perks of working from home kinda evened things out, but these days, I'm less and less sure that's true.  

So how do I get motivated to do work that I'm completely uninspired to do?  I've tried tricking myself into it ("C'mon, Erika!  It's totally worth the paycheck you get!").  I've tried working hard in hopes that it'll pay off (it doesn't).  I've tried slacking, but then I just get bored and restless.  

The obvious answer would be to find a new job, but it's not that easy for me.  And please, spare me the "You're the only thing standing in your way," speech.  I'm already aware.  

Le sigh.

A Letter You'll Never Read

Dear Friend,

It's been awhile, I know.  I'm pretty sure the last conversation we had was just in passing.  Probably something like

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Good, you?"

"Pretty good!"

"Good, good."

The last "real" conversation we had was probably over 10 years ago.  Maybe even closer to 15.  I guess that at a certain point, living next door to someone doesn't necessarily keep a friendship going.  At some point, life gets in the way, what with hobbies and school activities and dates and...  You know.  All that stuff.

I remember being kids together, though.  

I remember spending hours running through the sprinkler and eating Popsicles at the yellow and orange plastic picnic table in my back yard (the same one we used as a platform to climb the tree, before we were tall enough to climb it on our own).  

I remember digging in our parents' gardens, looking for worms.  We'd put them in a bucket and at the end of the day, we'd put them back in the gardens.  We never had a purpose.  We never needed one!

I remember when I got chicken pox in Kindergarten.  You and your sister were younger than I was, and your mom wouldn't let you into my yard to play with me since I was probably contagious.  So instead you both blew bubbles from your yard into my yard so I could run around and try to pop them.

I remember putting two chairs together on my parents' porch, seat to seat, so we could lay down together.  We were playing house and we were married, and even though it was completely innocent (because we were too young for it to be anything else), my parents made us put the chairs back and promise not to do it again.

I remember coming over to your house to play with your sister, and then winding up in the basement playing video games with you for hours.  We were always closer in age anyway, I just think we figured at that age that boys went to play with boys and girls went to play with girls.  

I remember the time you made up a song about your "thing" and pulled down your pants.  Yep.  Bet you wish I forgot about that one, huh?  

I remember hours of SPUD in the street, playing until the street light came on.  But not the electric hum.  "The light's not on yet!" we'd always argue.  It was only minutes until the light flickered to life, but those extra minutes were precious.

I remember losing my first tooth at your house.  I was showing your sister how loose it was and it just plopped into my hand.  I'm not even sure you were there for that.

I remember when I realized you had gotten really cute, and that's probably about when we stopped hanging out.  I just didn't know how to act anymore, and I knew (thought, anyway) we were getting too old for worm hunting and blowing bubbles at each other.

I remember seeing you at school sometimes.  You were always younger, so we never ran in the same circles, but we at least had the good mind to smile and nod in acknowledgment.

I remember seeing you walking past our house, heading to the park to shoot hoops (because you couldn't use ours anymore; the smiles and nods had mostly stopped).  You'd dribble past the house - sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend - and my parents would wave to you.  You were always so polite about it, greeting them in return.  That was nice.

I remember when your dad died.  A car accident.  I remember being away at college when my parents called to tell me.  I came home for the weekend so I could at least go to the visitation.  Dad and I were never great at handling grief, and we quietly cracked morbid jokes to one another to ease the pain.  We'd never see him as Uncle Sam at the annual 4th of July bike parade again.  He'd never stop by to watch the Packers again.  The concept was unreal.

I'll admit that I haven't given you a whole lot of thought since then.  I heard you went to college, and I'm sure you did great.  You were always popular, so I'm sure you had friends and girlfriends galore.  Our parents still live next door to each other, but we may as well have been on different planets.

I would see you occasionally, out mowing the lawn or heading to the park with a basketball, but as adults, our polite salutations were just something we did.  You could've been any other adult in the neighborhood.  So could I.

Hey.  It happens.

And then yesterday, the memories came flooding back as clearly as if it all happened yesterday.  Funny how that happens, right?  You don't realize what you remember until it just hits you.

Last night, I called my parents to ask if they had heard.  My dad said, "I know we've always told you that life's not fair, but this is pushing it."  My mom and I agreed.  We didn't have adequate words, but we knew it didn't feel fair.

We can't imagine what your brother and sister are going through, but most of all, we cannot fathom what kind of Hell your mom is experiencing.  She already lost her husband to a car accident.  Now, she had lost her son the same way.  Dad said, "If she didn't have two other children, I might have done her a favor and brought her a handgun, because I don't know how you get up the next day, and the day after..."

Your mom is a strong woman.  I won't lie; sometimes, I wasn't a big fan of her.  I'm sure you felt that way about my mom sometimes, too.  It's just the way things go.  But I do know she's strong, because she's been through Hell.  But I can't imagine the strength it will take to get through this.  I hope you help her, because she's going to need it.  Your siblings can only do so much.  Watch out for her, OK?

Well, I just wanted you to know that I'll miss you.  It doesn't matter that we barely spoke anymore, or that it has been years since we were really friends.  I'll miss you anyway.  You gave me some great childhood memories that I will cherish as long as I can.  I hope you recall them as fondly as I do.

Lots of other people will miss you, too, so I'll let them have their turn to tell you.  Take care up there.

With love,

Erika

P.S. Tell your dad I said hi.