Christmas 2012 : A Christmas Gripe

I'm not one of those ungrateful a-holes who is going to gripe about their presents. I loved my gifts, and I'm so thankful for each and every one of them! And I'm also not going to gripe about not getting gifts from everyone I've ever known in my entire life. I don't care. If you wanted to get me something and you did, that's awesome. If you didn't, that's cool, too! 

No, my gripe, unfortunately, has to do with my family. Once again, I will say that I love my family. Dearly. I love hanging out with you all and having fun together. I love spending Christmas surrounded by those I love! But you know what I don't love on Christmas? Being pressured to have kids.

I know you all want a baby in the family. I get it. I just became an aunt rather recently, and I have another niece or nephew on the way, and I'm totally psyched about it!! So I feel you. But can you please respect the fact that my husband and I do not want children?

I was nice enough not to get overly sensitive about it on Christmas, but in case you want to know how I feel, here's what I wish I could have said.

Argument 1: "Your mom said the same thing!"
Response: Yes, I know. Allow me to point out that 1) I'm not actually my mother (regardless of how alike we can be) and 2) by my age, my parents had changed their minds. 

Argument 2: "That's what I said, too. You'll change your mind."
Response: Well, I think it's pretty common knowledge that some people's minds are sort of changed for them (unplanned pregnancy has a way of doing that). Just because your situation changed, doesn't mean mine is going to. However, should I someday change my mind, that decision is up to me and my husband. Period. No one else's input is going to play a significant role in that.

Argument 3: "Don't you want your mom to have grandkids?"
Response: Of course I do. But if I did everything in my life because someone else wanted me to, I wouldn't be a very happy person, would I? Besides, my mom has a granddog (that she loves very much) and gets to play with kids as part of her job. I don't think I'm depriving her too badly.

Argument 4: "We need a baby in the family!"
Response: Really? Babies grow up, so even if I decided to have a kid, you'd only have a baby in the family for a short time, because I'm not about to turn into a baby factory. Besides, people all over are having babies. Odds are someone in your life will have one in the foreseeable future, so I think you'll be OK.

Again, I love you all dearly, but whether you're friends, family or complete strangers, your opinions on my reproductive habits are not going to get me to just start popping out kids. I don't want kids. Nor does Hubby. If we change our minds someday, then so be it, but don't assume that we will or try to talk us into it. I know a lot of it's in jest, but it gets really old, really quickly, and can make a fun time turn sour. 

A Letter You'll Never Read

Dear Friend,

It's been awhile, I know.  I'm pretty sure the last conversation we had was just in passing.  Probably something like

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Good, you?"

"Pretty good!"

"Good, good."

The last "real" conversation we had was probably over 10 years ago.  Maybe even closer to 15.  I guess that at a certain point, living next door to someone doesn't necessarily keep a friendship going.  At some point, life gets in the way, what with hobbies and school activities and dates and...  You know.  All that stuff.

I remember being kids together, though.  

I remember spending hours running through the sprinkler and eating Popsicles at the yellow and orange plastic picnic table in my back yard (the same one we used as a platform to climb the tree, before we were tall enough to climb it on our own).  

I remember digging in our parents' gardens, looking for worms.  We'd put them in a bucket and at the end of the day, we'd put them back in the gardens.  We never had a purpose.  We never needed one!

I remember when I got chicken pox in Kindergarten.  You and your sister were younger than I was, and your mom wouldn't let you into my yard to play with me since I was probably contagious.  So instead you both blew bubbles from your yard into my yard so I could run around and try to pop them.

I remember putting two chairs together on my parents' porch, seat to seat, so we could lay down together.  We were playing house and we were married, and even though it was completely innocent (because we were too young for it to be anything else), my parents made us put the chairs back and promise not to do it again.

I remember coming over to your house to play with your sister, and then winding up in the basement playing video games with you for hours.  We were always closer in age anyway, I just think we figured at that age that boys went to play with boys and girls went to play with girls.  

I remember the time you made up a song about your "thing" and pulled down your pants.  Yep.  Bet you wish I forgot about that one, huh?  

I remember hours of SPUD in the street, playing until the street light came on.  But not the electric hum.  "The light's not on yet!" we'd always argue.  It was only minutes until the light flickered to life, but those extra minutes were precious.

I remember losing my first tooth at your house.  I was showing your sister how loose it was and it just plopped into my hand.  I'm not even sure you were there for that.

I remember when I realized you had gotten really cute, and that's probably about when we stopped hanging out.  I just didn't know how to act anymore, and I knew (thought, anyway) we were getting too old for worm hunting and blowing bubbles at each other.

I remember seeing you at school sometimes.  You were always younger, so we never ran in the same circles, but we at least had the good mind to smile and nod in acknowledgment.

I remember seeing you walking past our house, heading to the park to shoot hoops (because you couldn't use ours anymore; the smiles and nods had mostly stopped).  You'd dribble past the house - sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend - and my parents would wave to you.  You were always so polite about it, greeting them in return.  That was nice.

I remember when your dad died.  A car accident.  I remember being away at college when my parents called to tell me.  I came home for the weekend so I could at least go to the visitation.  Dad and I were never great at handling grief, and we quietly cracked morbid jokes to one another to ease the pain.  We'd never see him as Uncle Sam at the annual 4th of July bike parade again.  He'd never stop by to watch the Packers again.  The concept was unreal.

I'll admit that I haven't given you a whole lot of thought since then.  I heard you went to college, and I'm sure you did great.  You were always popular, so I'm sure you had friends and girlfriends galore.  Our parents still live next door to each other, but we may as well have been on different planets.

I would see you occasionally, out mowing the lawn or heading to the park with a basketball, but as adults, our polite salutations were just something we did.  You could've been any other adult in the neighborhood.  So could I.

Hey.  It happens.

And then yesterday, the memories came flooding back as clearly as if it all happened yesterday.  Funny how that happens, right?  You don't realize what you remember until it just hits you.

Last night, I called my parents to ask if they had heard.  My dad said, "I know we've always told you that life's not fair, but this is pushing it."  My mom and I agreed.  We didn't have adequate words, but we knew it didn't feel fair.

We can't imagine what your brother and sister are going through, but most of all, we cannot fathom what kind of Hell your mom is experiencing.  She already lost her husband to a car accident.  Now, she had lost her son the same way.  Dad said, "If she didn't have two other children, I might have done her a favor and brought her a handgun, because I don't know how you get up the next day, and the day after..."

Your mom is a strong woman.  I won't lie; sometimes, I wasn't a big fan of her.  I'm sure you felt that way about my mom sometimes, too.  It's just the way things go.  But I do know she's strong, because she's been through Hell.  But I can't imagine the strength it will take to get through this.  I hope you help her, because she's going to need it.  Your siblings can only do so much.  Watch out for her, OK?

Well, I just wanted you to know that I'll miss you.  It doesn't matter that we barely spoke anymore, or that it has been years since we were really friends.  I'll miss you anyway.  You gave me some great childhood memories that I will cherish as long as I can.  I hope you recall them as fondly as I do.

Lots of other people will miss you, too, so I'll let them have their turn to tell you.  Take care up there.

With love,

Erika

P.S. Tell your dad I said hi.

Red, White & Drag Queen Bingo

This past weekend was, of course, Independence Day weekend.  And being that K is around, it was full of traditions and fun.

Friday night we did go see our new nephew at the hospital.  He.  Is.  Adorable.  No kidding.  I know I'm biased and all, but he's seriously cute.  I even held him for quite awhile, which is a feat considering I'm normally scared to touch kids before they turn two or so (that fear of breaking them, you know?).  It was a nice experience.  :-)  And no, it didn't make me want kids of my own.  Just made me even happier to be an aunt!

Saturday was the day for Rhythm & Booms, the best fireworks you'll find in the Midwest.  For those not familiar, the fireworks are (loosely at times) set to music.  You just tune in to the local radio station and enjoy the show.  Rather than going to the actual park for the event (which, IMO, is a clusterf*ck and a half), we always go to my old elementary/middle school and sit on the hill.  We can see almost everything (excluding a handful of ground display fireworks that don't make it above the trees), and though it's much busier than when we first started sitting there, it's not nearly as crowded as the park itself.  

Of course, with R&B comes a party with K.  She invites family and friends over to her dad's place for food and fun before the fireworks begin, and then it's just a short walk to the old school from there.  One of K's friends has an adorable 4-year-old son who kept us all pretty well entertained, but it was the adults who played with the bubbles the longest (as the 4 y/o got fed up with a bubble sword contraption he just couldn't make work).  It's just so easy to get caught up in the pure fun that comes with bubbles.

The fireworks were beautiful, if not a bit short this year.  Budget problems would be my guess, as I know they were seeking donations (I gave them $15 - I love those fireworks) and really pushing people to come down to the park to support the vendors there.  I'm hoping next year will be better, particularly because I hope the damn construction surrounding the park is done.  Talk about a mess...  Oi.  Oh, and just to confirm, Maxi handled the fireworks just fine, though she didn't watch with the same intensity as last year.  At least she didn't bark her furry little head off!

On Sunday, hubby dropped me back off at K's dad's place so K and I, along with another friend (P) could go on an Oddball Wisconsin adventure.  See, one of K's friends got her the Oddball Wisconsin book, knowing that she loves all things odd or offbeat that you might find while driving, such as a giant wooden nickel (outside of Iowa City, Iowa) or a buffalo made of chrome bumpers (somewhere in Colorado).  So away we went with the book and a map.

We ended up driving about 314 miles that day.  Starting in Madison, we headed to DeForest to see the pink elephant and its nemesis (or so we're told) from across the street, a cow at a cheese shop.  Then it was off to Spring Green to check out some (not so) acrobatic goats.  There were other things there to keep us entertained while we waited for the goats to wow us, but it just never happened.

After that we headed to Platteville to see the world's largest 'M.'  It's 241 feet tall and 214 feet across.  Trust me; it's a big 'M.'  After a quick stop at Culver's for some cheese curds (nom nom nom) it was on to Dickeyville to see The Grotto, an interesting experience for sure.  Then it was a LONG drive over to Delavan to see the clown-stomping elephant (we skipped the nearby concrete frog since it was getting late), and then it was back to Madison so I could see my puppers.   

On the 4th, K and I headed down to the neighborhood bike parade that we were part of for so many years.  Kids made a good showing this year and actually decorated their bikes with more than a tiny flag.  We gave this year's parade a solid 7.5/10.  After that, it was off to Henry Vilas Zoo and, of course, Ella's Deli!  We can't eat like we used to, I swear, but we still managed to scarf down all our cheese fries.  It's a tradition, after all!  

I spent the rest of my day bumming around at my parents' house.  We eventually ordered Chinese (nothing screams patriotism like ordering sesame beef) and hubby showed up to take me and the puppers back home.  On the drive home, we had to have encountered probably 10 different fireworks displays.  It was nice, and I appreciated being able to see some fireworks on the 4th.

The 5th was no longer the weekend, but K came out so we could go to Drag Queen Bingo at BTW Lounge with her cousins and aunt!  Drag Queen Bingo is pretty much bingo with the balls being read off by drag queens.  But, we also got performances between rounds, so it was pretty awesome.  Of the 5 of us, 3 won prizes!  Sadly, K and I were the only two not to win.  Boooooo-urns.

So, as you can see, the past few days have been pretty exciting for me!  I hope everyone else had a wonderful 4th and hope you all have an excellent rest of the summer!  :-)

It's Official!

I'm an aunt!!  :-D  

Well, I should rephrase that.  I'm a biological* aunt!  If you ask some of my friends, I'm already an aunt to my friend T's son and daughter (and another soon-to-be son) as well as M's pugs (yes, they count).  Though not blood-related, they are still family to me, and I wouldn't want to discount them by saying this is my first chance at aunthood.  

Anywhoozles, my nephew was just born today and I can't wait to meet him!  I decided at 17 that I didn't really want kids of my own (and 10 years later, I still don't), but I have ALWAYS wanted nieces and nephews.  (I may not want kids of my own, but other people's kids are just fine.  I can spoil them, play with them, cuddle them... And when they fuss or cry, it's back to Mama they go!  It's a good system if you ask me.)

It dawned on me at some point in my childhood (maybe around 6 or 7) that I was never going to have nieces and nephews on my side of the family.  I'm an only child!  OH NO!!  

My mom pointed out to me that maybe the person I marry would have siblings, and then I could have nieces and nephews.  While true, I countered with, "But what if I marry another only child!?"  Mom didn't really have the heart to tell me that then I was shit out of luck, but she told me not to worry about it for now and somehow that was enough.  

Sure enough, I married someone with two brothers!  Double the chances of aunthood!!  And now, here I am, 20 years after my little freak-out, about to meet my very first nephew.  I am SO excited!!  I only hope I can be as good of an aunt as my aunts were/are to me.  And I hope I can put up with as much as they did...  (There was a period of time where whenever my Aunt C came to babysit me, I'd vom.  Every freakin' time.  I can't believe she still wanted to claim relation to me after all that puke!)

I want to spend time with my nephew.  I want him to grow up and know that he can come here if he needs anything: a break, advice, whatever.  I want him to think his aunt and uncle are pretty cool (for adults, anyway) and I want him to look back later in life and remember having fun with us.  I want to be there for him (and his future siblings and/or cousins).  

So, my dear nephew, welcome to the world.  There are a TON of people here who love you and can't wait to get to know you!  I can only imagine the wonderful things life has in store for you!

Love, 

Aunt Riki  

*Edit: Yes, I know I'm technically not a biological aunt, since it's through marriage, but this is the closest I'm going to get.

To Whom It May Concern

I do not want children.  Before I move on, let that soak in.  I do NOT want children.

That being said, I want to point out a few things:

• Not every married couple wants kids.  Strange, I know.  But I didn't get married with the purpose of starting a family.  I got married because I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  Period.  
• I don't hate children.  On the contrary - I think most kids are great!  I worked in day care when I was younger and was a camp counselor for a number of summers, so I think it's safe to say that I like kids just fine. 
• Just because you see me playing with/holding/talking to a child, doesn't mean I've changed my mind.  Should I assume that everyone who pets my dog wants one?  Because I don't.  I just assume they're enjoying my dog because they can.  Same thing for me with a child.  I'm just enjoying the time with him or her; doesn't mean I'm going to run home and make one of my own.
• Asking a couple when they're going to have kids is just plain rude in my opinion.  
• There are many couples like us who don't want them, and whenever I have to answer that question, things get awkward for someone.  Every time I hear, "You'll change your mind," or "Just wait until you're older," I want to punch someone in the nose.  How the hell do you know what future Erika is about?  I don't even know for sure what future Erika wants!  And I'm Erika!!  
• Also, how do you know that a couple hasn't been trying for kids?  Just because they don't have them yet doesn't mean they don't want them.  No matter what the situation, someone could come away feeling hurt, confused, angry, sad, etc.  There's no need for that.
• Whether you like it or not, my dog is, effectively, my child.  She is my baby girl and I love her with all my heart.  So what if she hates baths, pees on the carpet, and chews on things she shouldn't?  Kids do the same, and much worse!  (Besides, if my dog ever gets away, I can post fliers to get help finding her.  Try that with a missing kid... I'm sure that'll end well.  "Lost: One small child.  Blond hair, green eyes, answers to 'Martha', Call if found.")

This really isn't directed at anyone in particular, but maybe you can relate somehow.  Nonetheless, I feel better now.  Ta ta!