Christmas 2012 : A Christmas Gripe

I'm not one of those ungrateful a-holes who is going to gripe about their presents. I loved my gifts, and I'm so thankful for each and every one of them! And I'm also not going to gripe about not getting gifts from everyone I've ever known in my entire life. I don't care. If you wanted to get me something and you did, that's awesome. If you didn't, that's cool, too! 

No, my gripe, unfortunately, has to do with my family. Once again, I will say that I love my family. Dearly. I love hanging out with you all and having fun together. I love spending Christmas surrounded by those I love! But you know what I don't love on Christmas? Being pressured to have kids.

I know you all want a baby in the family. I get it. I just became an aunt rather recently, and I have another niece or nephew on the way, and I'm totally psyched about it!! So I feel you. But can you please respect the fact that my husband and I do not want children?

I was nice enough not to get overly sensitive about it on Christmas, but in case you want to know how I feel, here's what I wish I could have said.

Argument 1: "Your mom said the same thing!"
Response: Yes, I know. Allow me to point out that 1) I'm not actually my mother (regardless of how alike we can be) and 2) by my age, my parents had changed their minds. 

Argument 2: "That's what I said, too. You'll change your mind."
Response: Well, I think it's pretty common knowledge that some people's minds are sort of changed for them (unplanned pregnancy has a way of doing that). Just because your situation changed, doesn't mean mine is going to. However, should I someday change my mind, that decision is up to me and my husband. Period. No one else's input is going to play a significant role in that.

Argument 3: "Don't you want your mom to have grandkids?"
Response: Of course I do. But if I did everything in my life because someone else wanted me to, I wouldn't be a very happy person, would I? Besides, my mom has a granddog (that she loves very much) and gets to play with kids as part of her job. I don't think I'm depriving her too badly.

Argument 4: "We need a baby in the family!"
Response: Really? Babies grow up, so even if I decided to have a kid, you'd only have a baby in the family for a short time, because I'm not about to turn into a baby factory. Besides, people all over are having babies. Odds are someone in your life will have one in the foreseeable future, so I think you'll be OK.

Again, I love you all dearly, but whether you're friends, family or complete strangers, your opinions on my reproductive habits are not going to get me to just start popping out kids. I don't want kids. Nor does Hubby. If we change our minds someday, then so be it, but don't assume that we will or try to talk us into it. I know a lot of it's in jest, but it gets really old, really quickly, and can make a fun time turn sour. 

To Whom It May Concern

I do not want children.  Before I move on, let that soak in.  I do NOT want children.

That being said, I want to point out a few things:

• Not every married couple wants kids.  Strange, I know.  But I didn't get married with the purpose of starting a family.  I got married because I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  Period.  
• I don't hate children.  On the contrary - I think most kids are great!  I worked in day care when I was younger and was a camp counselor for a number of summers, so I think it's safe to say that I like kids just fine. 
• Just because you see me playing with/holding/talking to a child, doesn't mean I've changed my mind.  Should I assume that everyone who pets my dog wants one?  Because I don't.  I just assume they're enjoying my dog because they can.  Same thing for me with a child.  I'm just enjoying the time with him or her; doesn't mean I'm going to run home and make one of my own.
• Asking a couple when they're going to have kids is just plain rude in my opinion.  
• There are many couples like us who don't want them, and whenever I have to answer that question, things get awkward for someone.  Every time I hear, "You'll change your mind," or "Just wait until you're older," I want to punch someone in the nose.  How the hell do you know what future Erika is about?  I don't even know for sure what future Erika wants!  And I'm Erika!!  
• Also, how do you know that a couple hasn't been trying for kids?  Just because they don't have them yet doesn't mean they don't want them.  No matter what the situation, someone could come away feeling hurt, confused, angry, sad, etc.  There's no need for that.
• Whether you like it or not, my dog is, effectively, my child.  She is my baby girl and I love her with all my heart.  So what if she hates baths, pees on the carpet, and chews on things she shouldn't?  Kids do the same, and much worse!  (Besides, if my dog ever gets away, I can post fliers to get help finding her.  Try that with a missing kid... I'm sure that'll end well.  "Lost: One small child.  Blond hair, green eyes, answers to 'Martha', Call if found.")

This really isn't directed at anyone in particular, but maybe you can relate somehow.  Nonetheless, I feel better now.  Ta ta!

Hump Day - Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

Or, in this case, with a Fucksaw.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I said fucksaw.

Imagine you're in class.  It's Human Sexuality, so you're bound to get some graphic details here and there, right?

Now imagine there's a naked woman in front of the class on whom a sex toy is being demonstrated.  Awkward!

I mean, even if that kind of thing floats your boat, how weird would the whole situation be?  Maybe if it was just you and the naked woman, sure.  Or even you, the naked woman and a third party (sharing is caring?).  But it's you, the naked woman, the demonstrator, a class full of other students, the professor, maybe a TA or two...  Yeah, any chance of that being anything less than exceedingly awkward went right out the window.

If nothing else, you'll never look at a saw the same again.