Well yeah, but...

This has been accepted as an article for The Mighty. As they edit for length and content, here is the full piece just in case anyone is curious.

Gratitude is a beautiful feeling. It connects us to the people and things in our lives in a way that can be hard to put into words. It allows us to show compassion for those who don’t have the same things to be grateful for, and a little bit of it can go a long way.

Normally, I use Thanksgiving to recount all of the things I’m grateful for. I don’t make an official list or anything, but I look back on the year and give silent thanks for the people and things in my life. This year, though… Well, it has been anything but normal.

It goes without saying that this has been a rough year. Obviously, it has been far harder on some than on others, but I don’t think 2020 will be getting a “Best Year Ever” mug. Certainly not from me (though if anyone knows where I can send a strongly-worded letter to the universe, please feel free to pass that information along).

As manageable as my depression has become over the last few years, this time of the year is always a little extra tough for me. Add to that a global pandemic and an election for the ages, and the last couple of months have not exactly been all rainbows and puppies.

When I sat down with my Thanksgiving meal this year and tried to come up with what I was thankful for, my mind was instead flooded with negativity. Just a few weeks ago I was struggling to find any kind of joy in my life; if joy was barely within reach, how was I supposed to manage gratitude? Maybe if the idea was to list all the things that have helped make this year such a train wreck, that would be far more doable.

So, that’s what I did: I let the negative thoughts and memories fill the space in my head I was trying to save for gratitude. I thought about the things that had caused me pain. I recalled numerous times I had cried and plenty more when I was thisclose to crying. I remembered heartache, grief, frustration, anger… I probably could have gone far into the night if I’d kept at it, but at a certain point, I found myself thinking, “Well yeah, that sucked, but…”

That’s when the light bulb flickered to life. “Hey, wait!” I thought (or likely said aloud to myself, as I am wont to do). “I bet there’s a ‘well, yeah, but…’ for a lot of these things.” As someone who often encourages others to look for silver linings, it seemed like a good time to follow my own advice. 

With this in mind, I came up with a number of “wellyeahbuts” to offset some of the gloom and (plot twist!) they look suspiciously like gratitude. For example…

Negative Thing: My Grampa passed away early in the pandemic. It wasn’t COVID-19, but coronavirus is what kept me from going to see him or my family. I was trying to do the safe thing by staying at home and I lost track of how many times I changed my mind about what to do. I also lost count of the emotions I went through. It wasn’t easy to process.

Well yeah, but… The facility Grampa was in let immediate family visit before he passed, and my mom was able to give him my love for me. Ultimately, he was with people who loved him, which is the most important thing of all. And as for me, I will always have my memories of him and the knowledge that he loved all of us so very much.

Negative Thing: I started seeing someone in January, before the world went crazy, who I fell for. Hard. We had this amazing connection and so much in common, and I felt so good when I was with him. I thought he felt that way, too. Until he decided to move across the country. Even then, I held out some hope, at least for friendship. Two weeks later, he unfriended and unfollowed me, and didn’t even text me to explain himself until my best friend called him out. It all made me question everything he’d ever said and everything I thought I’d felt. We haven’t had contact since May and it still stings to recall.

Well yeah, but… We really did have some amazing times together. (If it hadn’t ended so poorly, those memories would be a lot rosier, but I digress.) Even if the connection wasn’t real to him, it was to me. So, theoretically, I could find a connection like that again with someone for whom it’s mutual and who will respect me and communicate with me. That was also the strongest I’d felt for anyone since my divorce and it’s nice to know that maybe there’s hope for me to feel that in the future.

Negative Thing: Seasonal depression hit especially hard this year. I didn’t really feel it coming on so much as I suddenly realized that I just didn’t care about doing anything and that I would rather nap than anything else. Eventually, it progressed to crying myself to sleep with no idea why I was feeling so awful, breaking down mid-day for no apparent reason, and even more naps.

Well yeah, but… With a little encouragement, I reached out to my doctor to ask if an increase in my antidepressants would be an acceptable path forward. I got the green light and it hasn’t been long, but so far, so good. I also have an awesome therapist who is able to talk me through some of what I’m dealing with and offer some suggestions to help. And I have amazing friends and family who check in on me and have reached out to me when they felt I might need a hand.

Negative Thing: Self-quarantining/staying ‘safer at home.’ I’m introverted to boot, but I used to visit my parents probably once a month (or once every other month, at least) before this; during the pandemic, I have seen my mom twice and have only seen my dad briefly via video chat. I live alone (save for my two dogs) and work from home, so staying home means being alone (as was the case this Thanksgiving). I can count on one hand how many people I’ve hugged since March, and I had to cancel two separate trips to visit my two best friends. Basically, it all sucks.

Well yeah, but… I’ve managed to stay healthy through this, as have many of the people in my life. Oddly enough, the pandemic has made me more social in some ways. I now have regular video chats with friends and family and have been particularly active in a few Facebook groups. I miss hugging people and spending time with them (especially my parents), but I find some comfort in knowing that I haven’t somehow contributed to the spread of the virus and that I’m doing my part to help keep everyone as safe as possible.

In the end, I came up with a fair number of “wellyeahbuts” to counter the negatives, and I’m pretty grateful for that. Things look more than a little different this year, so to those who have been struggling with gratitude or counting their blessings as I’ve been: try looking for some “wellyeahbuts” to help put a spin on things. You might not be able to come up with much or you may feel afterward it was just a waste of time. Well yeah, but… at least you tried.  

Caring For Your Erika: Depressive Episodes

EDIT: I just wanted to preface this by saying it was meant to be part tongue-in-cheek and part serious, as is kind of my style. I don't expect ANYONE to 'take care of' me when I'm depressed, but should someone want to help out or better understand what I might be going through, here you go.

No two people are the same. I mean, you can be scarily similar to someone else, but there will always be differences. The same goes for mental illness: no two individuals' mental health struggles are the same. Symptoms, triggers, reactions, needs... they all differ based on the person.

Every so often, I find myself bawling and feeling worthless for no known reason. This is part of what I define as a depressive episode, and when it gets to that point, it's really hard to just suck it up and keep on keepin' on. About a month ago, I called into work because I couldn't stop crying and spent the day on the couch with my dogs. I was never in any danger, and I've certainly been through worse, but this one was like a sneak attack and I was completely unprepared for it. As I just went through something similar again, finishing this post seemed like a good idea.

I'm lucky to have a few really excellent friends who have seen me through some really rough times in my life (feel free to go back and read about some of the fun) and continue to be here for me. But even the closest of friends, those who have been through the worst of it with me, sometimes aren't sure what to do when an episode hits, or might not be aware that I'm in the midst of one. So, ladies and gents here is a quick guide!

Caring For Your Erika During a Depressive Episode

Part 1: Identifying A Depressive Episode

How exactly does one know if their Erika is experiencing depression? It's a good question and, unfortunately, there isn't an easy answer. Sometimes your Erika will tell you straight out that it's happening; that's usually a pretty clear indicator that an episode is occurring. But if your Erika is playing a bit coy, here are some things to look for:

• Your Erika may be quieter than usual. Her responses may be shorter and carry less emotion than normal, or she may take much longer to respond in the first place (both when speaking face-to-face and via text/message). This is often an early warning sign, though be sure to rule out sleepiness and 'hanger' as possible causes.
• Your Erika may not be eating. If stressed, Erika has a tendency to overeat, but in the throes of an episode, she is much more likely to skimp on food instead (and what little she eats is unlikely to fall into any major food group).
• Your Erika may be crying. This sign is much easier to read in person but can be a strong sign of a depressive event.
• Other indications may exist and should be reviewed on a case-by-case basis.

Part 2: What To Expect

Once you've determined that your Erika might be having a depressive episode, what can you expect to happen?

• Crying. You may think your Erika's tears have dried up. She may go minutes, even hours, without so much as a drop. Do not assume that this means your Erika is done crying. She's not.
• Neediness. Even more than usual, your Erika may seem to lean on you. She may even come to resemble ClingWrap in her efforts to ensure that you are not leaving her in her time of need. Whilst uncomfortable, rest assured that the effects are usually temporary.
• More crying. See above.
• Pushing. Contrary to the above, you may actually feel your Erika pushing you or your attempts to help away. This does NOT mean she does not want or need your help. In fact, she may need it even more than you know.
• Self-deprecation. Your Erika may begin to doubt her awesomeness during this time. She may feel unworthy, make negative statements, and feel all around bummed about herself. 
• Yet more crying. How many tears can she possibly have?? Only time will tell.

Part 3: How Can You Help?

So, how can you best help your Erika when in the midst of a depressive episode? There's no tried and true method that will work each and every time, but there ARE a few things that are likely to help.

• Let her cry. It might make you uncomfortable, but trying to stop the crying is not going to work. Let it happen. If you prefer not to be cried on, sit a safe distance from your Erika and have plenty of tissues handy. Asking or telling her to stop crying is not advised; you've been warned.
• Reassure her. Even if she doesn't ask for it, even if you feel like a broken record, even if you don't understand WHY you're reassurance matters... Give it a try. Remind your Erika that you are there for her - if and when she needs you - and that your friendship is not so fragile as to be broken by this episode. If she pushes too much, give her a break for a bit. She may just need some time to let your affirmation sink in.
• Assist as you are able.
• If you're nearby, you can offer in-person comfort. Does she need to talk? Lend her your ear. Does she need a hug (the answer is almost always yes)? Cuddle up or, if you're not the cuddling type, grab the tiny dog or a stuffed animal and let her hug her heart out. Has she forgone eating? Bring her a bite to eat (she responds especially well to ice cream and chocolate).   
• Not available or close enough to visit? That's fine! Texting helps. So do random memes and videos of adorable and/or funny things. Kindness has many forms and travels long distances with little effort. Just checking in with your Erika can be a major help.

Part 4: After The Episode

Unfortunately, these things do not always disappear as quickly as they have seemingly appeared. A depressive episode can wreak havoc emotionally, mentally, and physically. It may have passed and your Erika may be feeling a bit better, but odds are good she is a bit exhausted in some capacity. She may need a nap or some extra chill time before facing the world again. It's possible that some plans will have to be adjusted or canceled to allow her to fully recover. Sometimes recovery takes a few hours, other times it may take a day or two. Try to be patient with your Erika during this time; she knows it's a pain in the ass and feels bad about it. Trust me, she'd rather just be feeling better. Give it time.

Notes & Tips

These little tidbits didn't really fit in with the above-outlined parts of the episode but may be noteworthy nonetheless.

• Offering help is much appreciated, but your Erika is unlikely to speak up and say what she needs or wants because she feels so undeserving. She may view any offers of help as insincere or as being borne out of pity. Likewise, she will often feel unworthy of requesting anything on her own, assuming it would be a burden or seen as an act of selfishness. 
• Depressive episodes, even within the same person, can vary. Your Erika might get through one episode all on her own, but be nearly incapacitated by the next. Unfortunately, she won't know how it will play out until she's smack in the middle of it. Isn't the unpredictable nature of depression exciting?
• Depression is NOT a choice. And your Erika is doing things regularly to cope with it, such as daily medication and regular therapy sessions. Hell, even writing this all out is a great outlet and coping strategy! 
• Last, but not least, a reminder: No matter how hard it is in the moment, remember that this is temporary. Your Erika has been through a lot, and yet she's still here. She's stronger than she thinks and braver than she knows. She might not see that in the face of darkness, so remind her that she has the tools to get through this. And if all else fails, offer her a flashlight.

Text Anxiety: Why I Overuse LOL, Punctuation, and Emojis (And Secretly Wish Everyone Else Would, Too)

A couple of months ago I wrote a post about texting with anxiety. It felt really good to get it out there, to give some insight into what goes on in the depths of my anxious mind and maybe reach some people, perhaps even people who have experienced text anxiety themselves. If it went over well, I was even going to submit it to The Mighty; maybe I can help heal the world, one post at a time!

It got 4 views.

Eh, better than nothing, right? Nevertheless, here I am, writing another post about my anxiety and texting. Because reaching 4 people is still something.

The last post was largely about sending and receiving texts, which is obviously step one. By no means does the anxiety stop there, though. There's the anxiety of crafting a good message. And the anxiety of waiting for a response. And, for me, the effects of anxiety on my interpretation of a response. This post is going to be about the latter.

As an empath, I'm usually pretty good at reading people in person. There are times when I struggle; if my own emotions are particularly strong in a given moment, they can sometimes taint the 'signal' I'm getting from someone else. For example, if I'm feeling particularly low/sad, and someone I'm with delivers a dry, sarcastic remark (which I'm usually all about), I might mistake their tone as hostile or annoyed instead of joking. Many times, all it takes is a moment to look at them, to absorb facial cues and body language, as well as remind myself that most people are not inherently mean and my mind loves to play tricks on me, and I can usually reassess and figure out that they're kidding. Phew!

The issue with texting then, as you likely already guessed, is that I'm missing all of those clues: tone, expression, body language... all out the window. Imagine an entire conversation in which the person you're speaking to has a blank face, doesn't move, and remains monotone throughout. Would you have any idea what they were feeling? Probably not. So what do you do?

If you're like me, you project. I think of it like watching black and white TV. At a certain point, my brain just kind of fills the color in for me. Not in a conscious way necessarily. I mean, I don't literally start seeing colors in place of grayscale. But my imagination makes suggestions, and if push came to shove, I could tell you what I think the colors are or should be.

Reading texts can be similar - without being able to hear the actual tone intended for a statement, my brain comes up with a tone in order to assign additional context and meaning. And often, I imagine it's dead wrong, but short of asking things like "How did you mean that?" or "That was a joke, right?" after every text, there has to be at least a little bit of guesswork on behalf of the recipient.

Likewise, I fear that whoever is reading a text from me is going through the same struggle. What if I don't properly convey my emotional response in this brief interaction? What if they think I'm being a raging bitch-monster when I'm just trying to be my lovable, snarky AF self?! It legitimately makes me anxious just thinking about it.

And I know I'm not alone here. Think about the 'evolution' of LOL. Remember what that actually stands for? Laughing OUT LOUD. Unless we're all a bunch of hysterical hyenas, we are NOT reserving it for just those times. These days its use is, more or less, intended to convey some kind of tone. Sometimes it suggests, "I'm gonna say this thing, but I don't want you to take it too seriously." Or maybe, "I'm just responding positively to your humorous statement/gif/whatever; I don't actually have anything to say but I don't want you to feel ignored." Or my personal favorite, "I don't want shit to get awkward if we're not on the same page here, so I'm using these three letters as my own personal safety net."

It doesn't stop at LOL either; I, personally, have several ways of trying to inject tone or emotion into messages. Punctuation and capitalization are probably the most obvious (which is why I overuse the hell out of exclamation marks), but there are others. Extra letters, for example. If someone tells/shows me something and I like it or am impressed, 'nice' becomes 'niiiiiiiiice.' The more disappointed or displeased I am, the more Os get added to the word 'boo' or 'no.' And when I'm excited, the number of Ss that get tagged onto the end of a 'yes' or an occasional 'yas' can vary from a few extra to "Did her finger get stuck?"

The most polarizing way to establish mood/tone/whatever, though, has to be emojis (or emoticons; yes, I know there's a difference, but shut up). As we all know, some people love the little dudes to the point of overuse. Some people aren't fans of using them at all, except in extreme circumstances. Others find them downright obnoxious. Personally, I think they're pretty helpful, not to mention kind of fun to use.I'm 99% sure that my friends think I'm just an emoji whore, but it's more than just a cute little image to me. Emojis help me express the sentiment of a statement, and they REALLY help me interpret the tone of someone else's, especially when the text is a one-word response. 'Okay' is not a particularly warm word. We know it represents an affirmative response, but that doesn't mean it's always a POSITIVE response. The same goes for words like 'sure' and 'fine' (which many argue almost always means the exact opposite). Check it out.

Person 1: Hey, you wanna catch a movie tonight?
Person 2: Sure

Obviously, the response is affirmative, but the individual doesn't sound super excited. As Person 1, I'd be reading into that WAY too much (because it's what I do). Do they REALLY want to go to the movie, or are they just saying yes for the sake of saying yes? Am I bugging them by asking? Should I back out of it to let them off the hook? The mind races, and inevitably I'm assuming the absolute worst when all they really meant was 'sure.' BUT, add a smile in there, and...

Person 1: Hey, you wanna catch a movie tonight?
Person 2: Sure 😀

As stupid as it might sound, that little yellow dude grinning like an idiot makes me feel immeasurably better about Person 2's response. Like, aha! They're happy to be asked and happy to say yes. This is good and fills me with much happiness of my own. Huzzah!

I'm working on trying NOT to read so much into simple messages, but it can be pretty rough sometimes. If I just used a plethora of smiley faces and exclamation marks but your response ends in a period (dun dun DUN!!), it's hard to redirect my brain from immediately thinking you clearly hate my guts and never want to talk to me again. Or, at the very least, that you're obviously not as jazzed about the topic at hand as I am and probably think I'm kind of a goober.

So, if you don't worry about this kind of stuff, you've probably determined that I am all kinds of certifiable. I'm not saying you're wrong. Maybe I am crazy. But maybe you like me anyway. And maybe you know OTHER people who think/feel similarly (perish the thought!) and want some insight to help you communicate better. On the other hand, if you DO worry about this kind of stuff,  now you can cue up 'You Are Not Alone' and bask in the knowledge that someone else is your brand of crazy! 😊

Blame is Fleeting

You probably knew it was coming, so here it is: my thoughts on the Slenderman stabbing.

I am Wisconsin born and raised. I love my state. I may not love long winters or bordering Illinois, but you put up with the bad to take advantage of all the good. So when something so tragic happens in the place I am proud to call my home, it hurts. I'm not saying it would have been any better or worse if it happened elsewhere, but I think most of us can agree that the closer to home something is (physically or emotionally), the harder it hits you.

I've read several articles about the incident, and I've read a ton of comments about it, and it seems to me that a lot of people are looking to place blame (duh). Some people are keeping it broad, suggesting that the internet is essentially the downfall of mankind. Others are getting quite specific, aiming their frustration toward the people behind Slenderman and Creepypasta.com. I can write those both off as ridiculous notions. 

The internet is always going to have opponents, largely because people love to have something to argue against, so this is just the most recent brick laid on their never-ending path to nowhere. And blaming the creator of a fictional character, or a site that caters to horror writing (a pretty wicked genre if you ask me), makes about as much sense as using a steak knife to eat pudding. Could you do it? Sure. But your time would be better spent doing something else and you're probably just going to hurt yourself along the way. 

I think it was best said in the statement on creepypasta.com: "...I believe placing blame solely on an interest in reading/writing about horror, paranormal, myths, urban legends, etc for a tragedy would be off the mark. Hundreds of thousands of people read scary stories, play horror video games, watch TV shows about ghost-hunting and all other varieties of the macabre and creepy... and if we could truly blame any violent crimes solely on one specific form of entertainment as the trigger – well, I suppose it would be a relief as we’d be able to expunge said cause and clear the world of such awful happenings."

Also, an unsettling amount of blame is being thrown at the girls' parents. Yes, I understand that it is a parent's responsibility to know what their kids are up to. (In fact, I'm a big fan of people taking responsibility for themselves and their children. That's how it should be!) Monitoring computer and television usage is great. Spending time with your kids is awesome. But let's be realistic: most of us did things that our parents didn't know about. Even if you got caught doing something and were punished, the implication is that you were doing something they didn't know about in the first place. I'm not saying the majority of us were trouble children. It might have been as benign as using a flashlight after lights out to finish reading a chapter (yep, I'm a nerd), but odds are there was something you kept from your parents at one point or another. Does anyone out there truly believe that these girls' parents were aware of their daughters' plans and let it happen anyway?

I'm not excusing the parents completely. There must have been signs that something about these girls was a little off. Too much time online. Overdeveloped interest in horror or fantasy with no visible outlet. Something. I mean, some reports are saying that one girl's brother knew at least something about her obsession, though he admittedly didn't realize that it had gone from fantasy to reality for her and thought she was a "normal" girl. 

I think the hope is that if parents are paying enough attention to their kids, that they will see signs that something is amiss. The reality is that it isn't always possible. Parents don't always have the ability to oversee every part of their kids' lives, and even if they do see something disconcerting, they might not know what to do, or might not get to it in time, or might think they're misreading things. Not every kid who shows an interest in horror stories is disturbed, so at what point do you decide that it's gone from a normal hobby to something that will spark violent behavior? 

And possibly the most important thing here is that no one wants to believe that something is seriously wrong with their child or that their child is capable of something like this. Denial is as strong as it is dangerous, but it's human nature. How many times have you noticed something weird, but just ignored it and hoped it was nothing or that it would resolve itself? Maybe you convinced yourself that a mole you don't remember having has been there your whole life. Or maybe your car started making a funky noise, so you just turned the radio up and kept on driving. And if we don't want to admit that something is potentially wrong with our cars or even ourselves, I can only imagine how hard it would be for a parent to accept that something about their child might not be OK.   

So whom, then, do we blame? The girls? Maybe. They're young, so it seems obvious that their brains aren't yet fully developed. Their understanding of right and wrong is still in the works, as is their capacity for making decisions and moral judgments. This is why younger offenders are typically not tried as adults: they simply don't have the same cognitive abilities as someone 5 or 10 years older. It's also clear that they had trouble distinguishing between works of fiction and the realm of reality, which we can chalk up to youth, mental illness, or a bit of both. But these girls are admitting to feeling little or no remorse. They put aside time and planned this attempted murder. They thought through their actions and they know what they were trying to accomplish. They said that they wanted to become "proxies" of Slenderman, and that they had to kill someone to do so. The key here is that whether or not they believed in Slenderman is far less important than the fact that they were willing to stab someone to death at all.

Honestly, I don't know who's to blame, and I'm not entirely sure it matters anyway. Regardless of the reason these girls tried to murder another girl, someone they called a friend. Whatever the justification, the act was horrendous. So instead of trying to figure out where to point our fingers or direct our anger and sadness, maybe we should just try to focus on what needs to be done moving forward. If mental illness is involved, let's get help for these girls and work on getting help for anyone else who needs it. If they're just sick girls who are OK with stabbing people, let's put them somewhere they can't hurt anyone else. Demonizing a website or the girls' parents isn't going to fix anything. Let's find something that will.